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whats next?

Community Member

just joined online forum and most afraid of being judged online but feel I have nowhere else to turn.

My husband has caught me cheating twice with the same person.The second time was different as I have been trying to distance myself from this person for over a year with no success.I have since filed a police report and left my job in order to make my marriage work.My husband is not sure he can give me another chance and I feel I have no support from my family as they are very traditional and would never ever accept what I have done.

Am struggling with how to live one day at a time after having a full time job for 15years and do not want to leave the house (especially without my husband)

12 Replies 12

Community Member

Hi Persistence.  The last thing I would ever do is 'judge' you.  You are doing that yourself.  By continuing to let your hubby 'call the shots' i.e not sleeping with you, you doing all in your power to make up for past mistakes.  You are becoming a 'battered' wife.  How long is the 'punishment' going to last?  You don't mention what caused you to 'stray' and I'm not going to ask you.  When a spouse 'strays' it's usually because another person gets them when they're most vulnerable.  You said you cheated twice, you must have been feeling very unloved and possibly ignored for that to happen.  There's no individual reason why we stray, it's usually a multitude of reasons.  If you love your hubby and he loves you, you're proving it by changing jobs, filing a police report against this person, doing everything you can to put distance between you and this person.  What's hubby doing to prove he can trust you?  What more do you have to do, yourself?  Love and trust go two ways.  You cheated, twice, what did hubby do to try and stop you.  Did he show you love and support when you needed it?  Was he 'there' for you when you needed him?  When a marriage breaks down, there's always 3 sides to the story, hers, his and the truth.  I think you're doing everything in your power to save your marriage.  It's time hubby did his bit too.  Let the past mistakes go, hanging onto hate, distrust etc, is counter-productive and if it continues, you might be tempted again.  I know he's hurting, but so are you.  You need each other for strength and emotional support.  You've made it clear you only want him, what more does he want? 

Sorry if I sound harsh, not intended. 


you did not sound harsh at all..if anything you have given me some hope in thinking that I am not totally to blame.

Having said that my husband is a very proud man and will not seek help for himself and our marriage.Therefore I believe that it is just going to be a waiting game for myself in seeing if he can stay with me..but..how long do I wait?.. what else can I  do?

Giving up on my marriage is not an option for myself or those around me! (my mum will have a nervous breakdown).

Hi there.  Glad to hear I gave you some hope.  Don't 'walk away' from your marriage, I wouldn't say anything to other family members either (I mean your mum).  It's not really her business what happens between you and hubby.  You say your hubby is proud, he's allowing his pride to get in the way of forgiveness.  I would have a talk with your husband, maybe suggest going away for a while to see if you can recapture what you had.   You said you were prepared to wait to see if he was prepared to stay with you.  You still seem to be judging yourself extremely harshly.  You've tried EVERYTHING.  The boot really is on the other foot now.  I get the impression, he's waiting for you to 'fall' again.  Having an affair was a mistake, but hubby's treatment is hardly fair, either.  As I suggested see how hubby would feel about a trip away.