What to do

[Bizzybee]

Hi, I'm lost and looking for some direction. My hubby and I live in a city where we have friends (who are all busy with their own lives mind you) but zero family support. We have a 4yo daughter and we tag team with work. I work a few days a week and then he works the rest of the week, weekends included. We have done this since my daughter came along so 4 years going on 5. Hopefully it will change a bit when she starts school 5 days a week. But anyway, I do this thing every now and then and it seems to be when I've been with her for 2 weeks or more in a row (generally over a holiday period like right now) and my husband is working extra and because he earns more I'm at home running the household. Anyway... my daughter can be in a mood or overtired every now and then and she becomes a real battle for me. It's not in my nature to raise my voice but when I do she starts saying things like how I hate her and maybe she should go live with another family. Then she proceeds to have a meltdown. Like a tantrum because I'm trying to enforce some kind of rule or say no to something she's begging for. Anyway I struggle with it and the first thing I always do is I message my husband and ask him to come home early. This causes a huge problem because then if he does come home early it's usually dealt with and sorted by then. He gets really frustrated because in that moment he thinks I'm panicking and stressing (which I guess I am) and then I'm stressing him out whilst he's at work (trying to work). It obviously appears like I can't handle my parenting duties at home. I don't know what else to do and I guess he's the one person I feel I can reach out to for support or help but really I know he can't help when he's at work. I keep repeating this pattern and it's really getting to him and then I end up apologising because I know it wasn't the right thing to do but in that moment I'm having such a hard time with my daughter that I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions would be welcomed. Today I did it for probably the 4th time this year and I ended up using the TV to just calm her down. My husband said "why didn't you just do that in the first place?" I actually had no answer. I don't know why he's always my first point of call. It's like I need him to know how much I'm struggling. But that doesn't help in any way. He said I should talk to my Mum about moving here for more support if I'm struggling at home this much but I know she won't move country's nor can I expect her to do that for me when she has other kids where she lives.

[white knight]

Hi welcome

There is several good signs that can be identified by your situation. 

• You are aware that ringing your husband at work isn't the correct decision
• You eventually find a solution in calming your child down
• You care, means overall you're a good mum

But you have some deficiencies needing guidance. 

• Couples counselling would be great value
• Lack of tolerance for your child's tantrums could mean anxiety is present so a GP appointment is worthwhile
• Kids threaten to leave home often, it's normal!
• Review your lifestyle to consider one without the busy work schedule,  maybe a regional move?
• Research on parenting of the issues you face with your child. Google is your friend.

There seems to be an element of panic in your actions and reactions. That could be anxiety related in my experience. I used to feel that way when 30 years ago my daughter would cry non stop. My GP put me at ease "I've never seen a child be injured or pass away be crying".

Google- beyondblue worry worry worry

TonyWK 

[Croix]

Dear Bizzybee!

I'd like to join Tony W K in welcoming you here to the forum. Actually I think Tony has set things out very well and I'll not repeat it all again.

When trying ot cope wiht a child who wants her own way and resorts to tantrums when something is forbidden is highly stressful. It is buried deep in our natures to feel bad when a child appears to be in distress and many children are not above playing on that instinct to get their own way.

Frankly you are already stressed wiht both you and your husband working all the time, and this is made worse if you have your litle girl for extended periods without relief. As a result if she becomes difficult it is harder for you to take it in your stride.

It is true that partners have each other's backs and can be expected to answer if called upon in times of trouble. However that works both ways, and looking after you husband may mean not calling, even if you feel you have to.

After all you say yourself that by the time he gets home you have sorted the matter out - so you do not lack capability to do so.

Also as you say it makes life difficult for your husband when you ring, but you do in fact have need, perhaps it is only to talk wiht someone sensible right at moment moment and assure you that you are coping wiht your child as well as any parent can.

It may be better to have a plan in place for the next time htere is a meltdown that you can carry out wihtout causing yourself undue distress. You can do it, the TV episode shows you can.

I"d suggest you give our 24/7 councilors  a ring and discuss the matter wiht them, see what they suggest

I realize your mum may live elswhere however can you contact her via a free video call and talk the matter over wiht her and see how she handled tantrums?

Children stress everyone at times

Croix