What does this mean , wth is wrong with me, is anyone else like this ? l need so much space.

[Guest_1584]

Hi bb .

Really hoping for some insight and feedback here because l can't afford to see someone.

My partner is down again from her city , been down a few wks now and can stay indefinitely right now as she's had legal business up home but it looks like that could be done for at least this yr now.

We've always lived really well together she's easy to be around , does nothing to make me the way l am no one ever has really although my ex w def' use to get a bit much which also made me head for solitude but at least there was a reason . Thing is , with my partner bow , friends or people around , even my daughter , l just become in desperate need alone time after awhile. lt doresn't matter who it is or how much l enjoy them around , l can only take so much of it but then l just have to get away for some time to myself.

My partner doesn't understand how l'm like this or why and she does nothing to bring it on , being around anyone after a certain amount of time just does and if l don go off and hide out alone for awhile l just gt exhausted and in filthy moods.. l'm talking daily. Even her or say my daughter who is the easiest person you'd get to be around , and she likes her space too , yet even with her.

l mean l'm a fun person and do love some fun and social time , but then ok , l've had enough now l have to go. With my partner if we're both around all day night which l work at home and she only works pt so that's quite often. l'll need a few hours to myself before she gets up , then a few more later in the afternoon and even after that l like if l can get it an hour or so before l go to bed , just alone time. Because although we do sleep beautifully together , l just don't feel like being ion bed bside someone all night without another bit of a break first.

l'm bloody weird , l've always been like this but it is a bit worse now as l'm older and since divorce l've either lived alone or spent a lot of time alone, Wth can't l cope and just enjoy relationships and being with special people like everyone else. My gf can be around me 24 7 , so could my ex w , so can my daughter , wth is wrong with me,

Any feed back appreciated . rx

[Guest_1584]

Hi T, sorry l put L before but it was meant to be T , and so thanks again for the thoughts.

Just to add to earlier , oh yeah , all of that happens , did with my ex too until she got sick of it and we divorced. So it also brings in many problems and from all angles . But one of the other biggies and it is a biggie , it becomes huge over time, is that even if she does understand or more so l'd say excepts, that l have this crazy need for just so much of my own time , that can't change the fact that she on the opposite scale just needs much more or us and togetherness . And so you can end up with one very unhappy partner long term and sadly l understand that , 99% of people would need far far more us time than l do , lt's basically like beeing married to someone that's never home.

[CMF]

Hey my friend,

If you had to break up your day how would it look? How many hours would you need/allocate to;

Sleep
Work
Together time
Alone time?

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm , how are you doin.

Tbh , we'd be around each other more than most working couples or say you and m because l work at home and she does to atm , both only part time. We'd see each other 2=3 hours through the day , a few at night tea and some shows or wandering about, she often comes out to yack through the day at work too. Usually at night though l need to depart 8 or 9, just gotta be alone awhile, which is a terrible time that's when most people are together so that doesn't go down well.

l'd probably be quite happy with say 30% of the day night together . Weird really because again l suppose that's all a lot of going out to work working couples would see of each other anyway by the time they all do other things after work and what have you. But believe me it's different for me l literally need to escape and be alone. Crawl into bad late later and just not talk .

l dunno it's hard to explain without getting into too a personal detail.

rx

[tranzcrybe]

No worries, rx, what's in a name?

Just a note on your last post to CMF - covid has really brought this home to roost with couples being forced to be with each other for extended periods (the horror!). An interesting correlation was the distinct decline in the national birth rate! See, I don't think you are alone in your needs for space - it's only healthy!

The danger of feeling second in line or intermittent, however, is a worry. You are well aware of your needs and the impact it has on your partner. I guess the question to you is "Are you prepared to lose this one?" and what sacrifices/adjustments are you willing to make knowing this prospect?

Sometimes you can see the value in changing your behaviours for the sake of your partner and also yourself (you need your space, but are you happy with your inability to control it?), although it means stepping out of your comfort zone. The price for togetherness is a long term investment - a little sacrifice along the way for a lifetime return.

The ultimate question: "What wouldn't you do for your partner?"

-t.

[Guest_1584]

Hi T .

Yep sadly that is me compromising and making huge changes , it'd be a few days not hours if l had my way. But your right about being in a marriage or serious thing , it's about togetherness , a life , just makes me even weirder spent 20yrs married thinking l just can't do this. As much as l admire other couples that are happy but have wondered a 1000 times , that's them , that's him , he enjoys it , as l say talking happy couple l know , but for me it's just plain hard , very hard .

Yep , l've thought many times about just staying out of it , live out life single. TBH ideal for me would be her house my house , forever. l do love being a couple , but a part time is what l need. They'd be around but someone like that that also pushes all the right buttons as well is another matter .

My brother l envy , he's got it made , my dream setup . They've been together long distance well over 20yrs they live 3hours apart. She comes up to his for a wk or two or he goes down to hers they probably spend about 6mths a yr together rest of the time they're at their own places doing their thing separately . Ahhhhhh.

The covid thing on couples yeah read all about it but this is just our normal living covid hasn't changed a thing for us Although we've only been together 50% of this yr though as she's been coming to and from Sydney . l actually liked it like that but she can't keep doing that and wants together. l feel terrible she does have legal dramas up home so has had to be there but for now they're done and natuaral she just wants to get stable again. us , life.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi rx,

Despite all your problems, I think you're extremely fortunate to have such a loving partner - I feel you are both making huge sacrifices for the sake of the other. This may be as close to 'middle ground' as either can expect - your own personal DMZ full of acceptance for each others' self restraint.

But I tell you this: If you are rich, buy her lots of jewellery; If you are poor, buy her even more! I think you know this one's a keeper.

Thanks for being so forthcoming and precise with your observations.

Kind regards,

t.

[Guest_1584]

Hey t.

Nice of you and anyone else to bother with thoughts because l feel ridiculous trying to talk about this now TBH With all our problems round here wee all have sort of expected others around with similar problems so it's actually really surprised me that really , no one else has popped up as yet with the same issues. Strange but l would've thought space and alone need woud've been a fairly common thing round here,

Yeah she'd be a keepr if things could fit butttttt, my thing , as usual , isn't fitting too well at all lately and that brings on cause and effects , reactions to reactions, and l'm actually starting to feel pressured and smothered truth be told soooo - which maks me back away even more. Unfortunately it's a familiar pattern that l know very well and right now , not sure if l can do it tbh.. She deserves someone that can be all in and thoroughly enjoy it as sh would love to be doing too.

[ecomama]

Hey rx

I wanted to talk with you about the dream thing you shared on previous page but later if that's okay.....

I'm so sorry that things are becoming more difficult in your relationship.

Is gf saying this "time alone" thing is a deal breaker?

That'd be really crappy, if that's the case rx.

You know if my BF was allowed to join BB (he's in the U.S.), I think he'd share your need for a lot of alone time also.

We've talked alot about it since you posted this thread... happenchance really.
He's also an incredibly intelligent man like you.
His mind is a million miles per hour also.

He doesn't really like "social" gatherings and on his first and only trip to Australia didn't want to meet ANY of my friends! It wasn't a biggie for me.

He just wanted to really get to know my family IRL.

I could see he was challenged spending alot of time with a BUNCH of ppl at my house.
He had a motel room so I could drive him back there whenever he wanted.

The thing he has (and really HAS to have) is rituals.... (he reminds me of Poirot and his necessary "toilette" ritual every morning and many other ppl too like C.S. Lewis the famous author was quite the same)....

my BF MUST do a set of things every morning in his own way and his own time and same at night... we call it his "wind down".
These are alone.
He doesn't mind me being around but no talking too! lol. (He likes me singing though which is sweet, he makes me happy so I sing alot when we're together).

Last weekend he said he would rather not attend any of my friend get togethers (we have yearly and 5 yearly huge reunions)... this made me really sad. But that's really up to him, I have to respect that. I hope that once he met this group, he'd see how cool they are and relax alot more.

Now he's lived alone for the past 4y, he said he actually likes living alone. (Ugh red flag for us).
But we agreed that once all the kids leave home, this house is huge enough for him to have his own spaces for his hobbies and me to get on with all my interests too.

I'm becoming more like my old self - an extrovert and he's clearly an introvert and always has been.

Interesting times ahead lol!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear rx

I saw what you wrote on another thread and it struck some deep chords in me, maybe even a connection somehow to your thread topic here??

I'd love you to give feedback tho, don't want to get off the track lol.

Re: the "Italian love" you speak of, did you feel you needed as much time out from her too?

You've given me introspection and reflection food for thought with what you're sharing.

You know how you said you think you'd feel numb if you saw her again?
I thought so too... then like in a movie... I was sitting in a restaurant with my first baby and family... he was jogging on the other side of the road and exactly at the point he would've HAD to cross the road to see me, he did.

I didn't even know he was back in the country. The last he knew, I was living interstate!

He jogged across the road dodging traffic then saw me through the huge window.
He jolted and just stared open mouthed in shock.
I stared back.
Felt like minutes went past before he looked at my baby, my husband and family and his face went into shock.
He lifted his arms and said "Why?". I started to cry, he started to cry too.

Then he wiped his tears and jogged away.

A few years later he married.

I wasn't prepared for that reaction from either of us.

It's the same when his sisters see me but they talk and talk about how much they hate his W and how much they love me. It's so freaking sad.

I needed "time out" from relationships to daydream about him. To feel those feelings I had with him. Esp when things were awful in my marriages.

I could never talk to my Hs about him, they could Google search him and one did when he began working with dream man's sister and SHE told H about us.
H seriously freaked.

I can talk to BF about him and he with me about any past loves.
We seldom feel the need to nowadays.

But I think being able to do this with each other may have been part of why we could love each other more fully. Maybe, maybe not.

IDK.

Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em , and thanks for the kind words and for talking about the bf he sounds pretty heavy duty. l'm a crazy mix , l don't know if l'd call me an introvert , or just my weird self. He sounds more extreme he's dodging anything social where as myself l'm actually very social matter of fact l may have too much fun if you get my drift haha. But when it suits me, and if it doesn't then l'm also the master of exits think l might've invented the word in another life actually . Your so lucky to have a beautiful herd around you that you feel that way about and enjoy so much by the way, such a nic thing to have in life l'd imagine.

l have my rituals too one of my biggest problems actually bc they're weird , to anyone else , the hours are weird, the rituals are weird , so they've always created their own set of drama for someone else but eh, l need them and lovem haha so unfortunately she just has to learn to work around them. Buttttt, l also have extreme fun and very very talky spats too and a great sense of humor so it's not like l'm all mr solemn . Trouble is l'm a lot of fun when l am yeah but then l'm not anymore and it can be very hard for someone else because for most it's like moreso one steady them even if they're moody but my things different , l need complete shutdown when l'm done so to speak like turning of a light , tap , done, off.

l know it's very unfair , and probably just as much so in that when l feel like fun or just talking it's like wth are you l need some action , l know , it's all messed up. Meanwhile she's trying to lay low and give me my space. But she actually works with it quite well these days and unbeadmitted to herself , she actually likes a bit of space too truth b told . But she's far more consistent and steady, patterned than me , she's more normal .

There's another one of those words huh , deal breakers. Yep you've got some fun times ahead with that one y, for sure , especially with you being so social , not sure how that works out . My ex w was far more social like friendy than l was , but l was far more partying than she was , well later , early days she gave me a run for my money for sure haha.

rx