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What do I do next?

HayPat
Community Member

I have been with my bf 4 years. Just under 2 years ago we built a house in the country. Everything was great! Pretty much as soon as we moved there is when the problems began. It was a long commute to work (we carpooled every day) and that, plus financial, work/life, job issues got to both of us. The only time we got together was in the car, our days off never coincided.

My partner started getting distant, irritable...he started sleeping in the spare room away from me each nighr. In hindsight we should have talked about it but I don't think I even realised that it was depression seeping in. And if he knew, he didn't say anything. I was just trying to survive the hard times, too. Lack of communication on both sides.

Also he applied for the police force so he could earn more money, it was a long process and he had the final interview in march and passed. He should be getting a call any day now to join the academy. How will he cope there??

3 weeks ago he said he wanted to break up and that he was going to live with his parents. Right after he said that, he shut himself in the spare room and I didn't see him the rest of the night. That is so not him.

Anyway...i am now alone in the house and he is an hour away with his folks. He obviously needs space to think about things and says he'll talk soon just not yet. He is in a very dark place, I think. I think when he thinks of me and saving our relationship it all just seems too daunting for him and too hard. I think deep down he still loves me but he's scared and confused because of how the depression makes him feel. He says he needs to be alone to fix himself and he thinks breaking up is the only way to do that. I think we can do this together. I want to help him and i want to be together again, even if it means baby steps and limited contact for a while so we can both have some space. I know this is not the real him. What do i do? Should i just not contact him? Should i go to his house and offer support in person? I am so broken by this whole thing, i have done a lot of research about depression since he left, and looking back there are so many things we did wrong. Once he is ready to talk to me, how do we save our relationship?? I am trying to respect his space but it's killing me. I just want to tell him it's ok to feel like he does and that I am here for him. I have offered to go to treatment with him. Is there any chance of us saving our relationship? I don't know what to do, help please 😞

1 Reply 1

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Pat, it's awful when a situation like this happens, but depression has the power to try and break you up, that's not what you want and I'm sure he feels the same, although he may not be saying it, because depression takes you to another secret part of your dark side.
To build a house is something to be very proud of, but at the moment it's the last thing on your mind, and to have a long drive to work is not always a good solution, because you could be disagreeing about finances, talk about issues from work which the other person doesn't know what to say or even doesn't want to listen to, so the car ride is unpleasant.
All of these secret issues can cause problems, so in other words living so far away from work may not be the best idea, and there's nothing worse than travelling a long distance without anyone speaking, it becomes very awkward.
Moving in with his parents maybe good, but it can also be bad, this depends on your r/ship with them, because if it's good then they will be trying their best to get you back together, but if the r/ship is strained then the prospects aren't good, I hope it's the former.
At the moment he is confused and lost, but remember all of this may not be related to you, although now he is depressed everything will jump on board, the r/ship, finances, work, travelling etc.
There is absolutely every chance that you will live together again, but he needs to see his doctor, and if he agrees for you to go then that's a great start, and there is no reason why you shouldn't text him saying you love him, and don't worry so much if he doesn't reply, remember he's suffering from depression.
Moving to the country always sounds like a great idea, but perhaps you could consider selling and moving closer to where he can get the help he needs, you can always move later on, but please stay in contact with us. Geoff.