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What do I do about toxic mother

Community Member
Less than a month ago my Dad passed away.
My mum and dad split up when I was 2. They weren't really all that close.

I haven't had any time to grieve properly because ever since he passed my mum has been creating issues.
My whole life she's constantly criticising me, calling me selfish, always talking down to me and never able to accept when she's done wrong. And I've kinda just dealt with it and apologised even when I know I shouldn't have but j just wanted to keep the peace.
We've constantly been arguing again since he died. And the other night we had the biggest fight and she said she no longer wants to talk to me.

Now, I was living in QLD with her at the time and came temporarily to my home state SA to be with and care for my dad. All of my belongings are still in QLD at the house we were sharing together.
She sent me a text the morning after our fight saying I was no longer welcome in QLD and that she would pack all my belongings and tell me the size of it all so I can organise to get it brought down but I am very uncomfortable with the idea of her packing my stuff for me. Not to mention I have a lot of delicate sentimental stuff like crystal wear from my late Poppy. I don't know that she's going to pack it well enough for transport.
She's essentially closed the door and when I tried to ask previously if I could get the house key so I can fly to QLD while she's in SA and pack my things and get it out of her hair asap she tells me that she's not jumping to cater for what I want and saying I'm being selfish again

I just don't know what to do.
I just want to sort it asap so I can start processing my father's death and not be stressed about her like I always am.
1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear QuietLily~

I'm sorry at the loss of your dad and aim glad you had the chance to be with him before he passed away,something I'd personally find important and consoling.

Now your mother. Fromyou account it looks like you have lead a life where she has always put you down, probavly with the word 'selfish' used and reused constantly. Apologizing to keep the peace has placed you in the position your mother wants.

For one reason or another I was divorced frm my parents at around 20, and that had many ramifications, one of which was possessions. I just has to write them off. It was a bargain.

So I'd like to ask if you wish to maintain a relationship wiht your mother at this stage?

If not then the following:

I know you would like to be able to pack your own stuff, and just as importantly select it - by no means a given. There is absolutely no reason why you should not have a key, it is simply another measure of control, and maybe spite too. Similarly disagreements over waht is yours may well arise.

I guess you have three choices, the first being just to write everything off and see if matters change in the future

The second is to appease your mother to the extent she cooperates

The third, which applies if you are a resident in the Qld house (you would have to supply proof) , is simply travel there, obtain the services of a locksmith, pack your gear quickly and leave the house locked. You might even leave a note saying what you had done.

If you go this third path do you have a freind who can help you quickly remove everything into proper packed containers?

What do your think?