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Was my partner unfaithful? Yet I want her back..

Fada
Community Member

I brought my partner from another country and has been looking after her like my eyes...giving her everything...emotionally, physically, and financially...

a few months after her arrival to Australia and living with me, she started to meet up with different guys from her own country, and she was calling them friends...at first it looked fine for me..though I became suspicious when once she said “let’s get married on the paper though I go and do whatever I like”...and I told her, I’m happy to have a real marriage with you and make you live a life lots of girls dream of...though no fake marriage...and if that’s your approach, think about it and if you don’t like me, you can go back To your country

since then, she started to meet more and more guys or say group of guys and girls and couples...though, I’ve been always absent in her social life...and things got awkward when she started to stay at men’s places overnight and telling me that she’s been staying in a seperate room with girls!! And off course sometime we ended up in arguments because of these boys and her social life...though she was doing even worse and worse to the point that I was feeling like a trash ...yet, “I loved her and I still love her”

things were getting worse to the point that one night after I asked her where she’s going, she showed me her middle finger and disappeared for 20 hours...later I realised that she went to a hotel and stayed there...though she claims it was a birthday party and that she stayed with females in a separate room,,as usual.

that was the point that I asked her to leave my place and rented her an apartment while I was not obliged and told her, now we broke up and you’re free to do whatever you like...

and of course because the financial helps cut off, she started to struggle and thus went to the police to open a false domestic violence against me which all the charges dropped after I presented my evidences.

I understand she’s suffering and struggling with her life now and even if she goes back to her country she’ll have no money, no job, no home, and nobody that can help her...so she’s vary vulnerable....and it’s killing me...I can’t even sleep now for an hour

i wanted her to be back, though I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea or I’ll be abused again... on the other hand, there’s a provisional AVO in place that limits our communication

was I unreasonable in the relationship? Should I let her back or I may end up in even a worse situation In future if I do it?

 

9 Replies 9

Guest909
Community Member

G'day Fada

This woman sounds like trouble. From what you have said, the best thing that you can do is walk away. You may still love her but that means nothing if she is just using you as a meal ticket. She obviously has little respect for you. The AVO and the "middle finger" should leave you in no doubt about how she feels about you.

To make matters worse, if she claims that you were in a de facto relationship, she will probable come after you for whatever you own; she sounds like a user. The sooner you cut all ties with her the better off you will be.

At the very least, you should get some legal advice about any claim she might have over your hard earned property.

As to your question, it would be unwise to let her back into your life. Her attitude towards you will only worsen over time.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome.

To answer your questions at the end of your email... did you talk to anyone of your friends about what happened and what did they say?

From the way you posted, it does sound a little like you both went into the relationship with different expectations. It sounds like you have been giving your all to her and receiving little in return. Your concern for her also shows how much you care about others.

if that was my story ... what would you tell me?

Tim

Fada
Community Member

Thanks Tim & Mr Paul,

I brought here on a non-restricted long-term tourist visa..so currently she’s got no entitlement to anything as police and legal aid also told her...

first I was afraid to talk to friends about it...couldn’t see anyone judge her...but then I talked to them and they said you’re blind because of love...and that you should cut her immediately...when I went to police to present my evidences to defend myself, they were shocked and said “you must have loved this girl a lot”. And that they even couldn’t understand based on what the AVO was issued!!

I gave her everything, and even to make her feel secure and forget her harsh childhood, I made her reunion with her dad...wired cash to her account In Russia every month over the last 18 months, because she had no job and no home and her family couldn’t afford to help her. And also kept her in Sydney under my roof and took her to luxury travels around world...and bought expensive things for her....emotionally I was always making sure she’s fine and she’s valued..I always told her that she’s the best incident of my entire life..I always treated her like a queen.. but all these emotional and financial investments returned nothing....

and to your point that I care about others, I’ve done counselling sessions for a long time for this a few years ago, to learn I should also care about myself and that I shouldn’t put others needs above mine or in the psychologist words “not sacrificing myself for others”...

I’m stuck and feel guilty that I’m not helping her and she’ll soon have a miserable life ....I’m struggling to move on too... and I’m afraid that I may lose everything I built in my life through 20 years of hard work and sometime tough time if I let her back...

Guest909
Community Member

You can't build a life with someone that treats you like a doormat.

Deep down, you know what you have to do. You are not responsible for her, or her bad behaviour.

Let your head do the thinking!

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Fada,

Welcome to the forums

I think the main concern is that you feel responsible for her wellbeing... we often feel like this, trying so hard to please someone, when in realiy we don't have the power to fully be responsible for anothers happiness.

I don't believe that if you leave her, she will have a bad life, I don't thnk one person can have the affect on another to make their life good or bad. She may struggle temporarily but then find strength and sort out her stuff. Who knows... It may help to realise that she has to take responsibility for herself to some degree, and I believe if you leave her she will find other ways to get the support she needs.

Wishing you luck

Fada
Community Member

Thank Mr Paul & Sleepy21

Agree...

I used my head instead of my heart for a few moments...and I remember once she told me I’m her pet....yes like that doormat ..

it’s hard , though I have to completely cut her off and move on...I know I’ll have hard time going through grieving cycle...but I have to... when even police told me “do you really want a relationship with someone like her?!!”

I’m done ..

and I did one big mistake...”watering a flower with the whole ocean..and it’s doomed!!!!” And I’m asking why?!!!

Guest909
Community Member

I think you have made the right decision.

That being said, it might not be over. If she claims that you were in a de facto relationship she will start legal action in the family court. She has two years to start legal action.

You should get some legal advice if you have not already done so. Her legal status in this country is complicated.

There is no point in watering a dead flower.

Fada
Community Member

Thanks Mr Paul,

you brought a very important point to my attention that I was no thinking about at all.

I arranged a legal advise for that.

Guest909
Community Member

I'm glad I could help!

Be very careful about being alone with her. Sadly, you will need witnesses for your own personal protection. The false AVO may only be the start.

Plan for the worst; hope for the best!