Want to separate from my husband
Hi,I want to separate from my husband. I feel he is floundering and not supporting me or our family but thinks everything is just fine.
We are in extreme financial distress- he lost his job in April and he makes little effort to find work other than his first choice of jobs. He’s had a few interviews and had no luck. He said he would look at other types of work like cleaning but has done nothing. This has happened before and this is why we have so much debt.
All our bills are in my name and it affects my credit rating as we are unable to pay them.
He is irresponsible with money. He spent over $1000 this week when I was away for work. He won’t give any explanation for it.
He does little to help at home. I work full time yet do all the housework, shopping and cooking and take our child to school Rachel day while he sleeps in.
He has had depression and has chronic back pain. We are both recovering alcoholics for many years. I attend 12 step meetings he no longer does and won’t. It’s a shame as he would receive so much support.
He won’t communicate like an adult with me.
I’ve had enough. I want him to leave but we have no money and he has nowhere to go.
What do I do to get him to realise I’m done and I want him to leave? Where could he even go? We have no family where we live and he has no close friends he could stay with.
I'd like to welcome you here and say i can understand the problems you are facing. I get the feeling you are a strong person -to keep the household running, look after your daughter, go to work and still attend a 12 steps meet is a pretty extraordinary thing.
I think it is a real blessing you have a job and thus have your own source of income.
To have everything reduced to being in your name, plus such wild spending is realy terrible. You seem to have, though love and concern become a support system for someone who is simply taking advantage of you. Even without a job there are an awful lot of things from washing to cooking that can be done around the house, and if reality is that there are not jobs one likes, then one takes what's going.
It sounds like your current situation cannot last much longer anyway.
I'd suggest you need to find professional help with people that are used to this sort of situation, and at the same time ensure your own health does not suffer. You have to be able to cope, both for yourself and your daughter, and so your welfare is terribly important. I'd suggest seeing your GP and explaining the situation may be a start.
For the rest I'll offer three starting points, though they are only starting points and you may need to follow up suggestions
- 1800Respect - 1800 737 732
- Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277
- Our own Beyond Blue 24/7 Help Line 1300 22 4636
Please let us know how you get on
Thanks for your reply.
I asked him yesterday to leave and then we played happy families in front of our child for the rest of the night and things died down.
Today things were calm as we had social / sporting things on for our child but tonight when I asked him again about the money he said he didn’t want to talk about it as he was playing a game, and that I know what’s it is like when playing a game. He refused to tell me where it went and when I suggested he go stay with his sister for a while to sort himself out he got angry and defensive - he was incredulous.
I am a strong person and I don’t want to live this way anymore but he won’t even be honest with me or talk. Also any time I’ve told him in the past that we are through I always back down so he knows I don’t mean it. So I guess I’m not that strong when it comes to standing up for myself.
This pattern of financial irresponsibility and not working has happened before a couple of times in the past so it’s nothing new. I am tired of it. I’m not great with money either but have been taking steps to change and be more disciplined but he won’t get on board unless I am really strict.
When he takes care of himself mentally and emotionally things are good, but it never lasts.
I think there’s a combo of him being extremely manipulative to get what he wants - which is to not be confronted about his laziness and likely untreated depression - and him being in some sort of denial.
Maybe I will have to leave the family home if I want to separate? I can’t afford to do that though. Or I could call his sister and tell her what’s been happening and see if she and her husband can talk sense into him?
Thanks for the phone numbers I may give one a call.
Hello Cbk, and a warm welcome to the forums.
Croix has provided some good information and I also understand the situation you are in and realise that it's not ideal because you can't keep pretending in front of your daughter that's only bottling up your frustration and certainly not good for your health.
Your daughter must sense that the relationship between you and your husband isn't amicable so this could be affecting how she actually feels and may need some counselling herself, which she can do by contacting Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800.
Have you thought about contacting a debt agency, people who can handle or help you resolve your debt and take control, this may overcome your extreme financial distress, so another $1000 won't disappear.
They may also help you with moving out, and can I suggest you see your doctor and get them to organise a 'mental health plan', which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to visit a psychologist.
From your posts I get the impression that no matter waht you say thngs will not improve, in fact they will get worse as out of desperation to keep everyone afloat you try harder and harder. You are not an inexhaustible well of effort, housework and money.
Saying $1000 went on a game!. Do you think there is possibility of a gambling habit as well as everything else?
I thing Geoff may have a point, this situation -even 'playing' happy families- could be having an effect on your daughter.
As to if you can afford to leave the home or not, or what is for the best, all I can do is say get advice from those who are used to these situations and the practical ways of dealing with them.
Of course you are strong, that does not mean you do not weary, or that care cannot sneak back in.