very hurt and confused!

[Dags]

hi guys, my first go here.

i am an ex copper from vic who was diagnosed in 2008 with ptsd after several murders i attended.  I was in denial for a few years and hurting the current mother of my 2 kids 4 and 2, now we live apart as of april this year.

i began with out knowing, just struggling to be intimate with her.  I also viewed a website out of curiosity due to mates talking about it which she noticed and immediately left me thinking this was the reason.  I moved back to live with her and so our journey began.  I was grumpy, irrational, indecisive, not into her although i still knew that she was my sole mate but i couldn't understand why i was being so not into her.  She is hot as hell!  i had lied to her in the first few months about cheating on my previous girlfriend which was also what that girlfriend had done to me so we broke up telling each other this.  i later apologised about this lie which i thought she had excused me for.  Anyway, after attending a doctor which she suggested, i was diagnosed.

so began my journey of living with major depression and anxiety.

we conceived our first daughter and although over the moon, very nervous also as my behaviours were very irratic.  I wasn't violent or aggressive, just couldn't confront any disagreements we had, it was easier to walk and say i didn't want the relationship even though i was so in love!  This hurt in a big way.

so we had our second, me working as an apprentice carpenter at this stage, her at home with kids, me running a boxing gym to make payments.  we were both really tired and at each other a bit, my behaviour was not the best at times with the kids.  i started meds which she even commented my behaviours were better.  i then took my self off them.  i went down hill again, no intimacy, sleeping in a different bed, still madly in love though.  she observed porn stuff on my computer again and all there pop ups thinking i was getting it elsewhere again.  so i responded in saying i don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

then i started having suspicions of her with a work colleague, many things happening.  she then moved out and i have just been told by her work friends that there is something going on and has been for sometime.  as she never wanted to attend counselling or anything to try and resolve the situation, before she moved out, and denies everything, i love her so much and want our family together no matter what! any thoughts?

[geoff]

dear Dags, thanks for posting a comment to us, and also for joining the site.

When someone suffers from PTSD it creates problems down the line, which not only affect you but with the person or people you are living with, that's that nature of this illness, and it's by no way your fault.

People can be madly in love with each other, but for some reason this relationship or marriage will not work if they have continual conflicts of interest as well as in their attitude towards how the kids should be raised, who to see and what they can do.

My wife was the dominant one in our marriage, so eventually I just accepted what she said, rather than have an argument, that was far better than disrupting the family, but there were many times when I didn't believe what she said.

When we went on holidays or went sight seeing my sons had to always take their friends, so we had to pay for 4 kids, as these friends never brought any money from their parents, so it became costly, but I still loved her.

My love for her was not strong enough to keep the marriage going and she divorced me, but prior to this I still believe that she was seeing someone behind my back, which I was distraught about.

To love one so deeply means a hell of a lot, but if it's not reciprocated, this then requires a great deal to win her back, which is what you dearly want and I'm sure the kids want this, so there would have to be a compromise, not only by you but also by her.

If you start taking your meds again then is this going to get the marriage back together again.

My wife wouldn't get any professional help and she stopped taking her AD's, but if I can say is that she was much better when taking them, even while I was struggling with my own demons.

I would really like your opinion so that we can talk. Geoff.

[AGrace]

Hi Dags,

We haven't heard back from you, so I wanted to check in and see how you are travelling?

From reading your post there are a few things that seem to need tending to. I hope you don't mind me offering some advice, do with it what you will.

1. You've recognised that you are suffering from PTSD. Sadly an illness like this does need ongoing care. Are you back on medication again? Are you seeing a Psychologist/Psychiatrist? Both of these formats of treatment will be of benefit to you, as mental health has both biological and environmental contributing factors.

2. Your relationship with your wife suffered a lot due to poor communication and confusion. Where are you at with the relationship now? It sounds like you are still in love with this woman, and just like every relationship it will need some work if you want it to heal. Working on yourself is the first step. You want to have your whole and healthy self to give if the relationship is to stand a chance. Being open with one another is the second step. It sounds as though you and her have both said a lot of things that you didn't mean. Talk and most importantly listen to one another. Find out what you both want and need and work on how you can provide this to one another. Some relationship counselling could be beneficial if you are both in agreeance on this. If you do decide to get back together then the third step is to keep your communication open, neither of you are mind readers, so express how you are feeling. In terms of intimacy, this will need to be developed again. There's no point in just aiming for mindless sex if you want to be together long term. Start from the beginning again, and learn about one another.

3. Involve your wife in your mental health. There is no point taking medications, seeing a therapist, and learning all new skills without sharing with your wife how you are coping. This is not being a burden, this is being vulnerable and giving her a chance to support you.

4. Your children are your biggest priority, regardless of what happens with the relationship. What plans do you have in place for them at the moment?

I hope that we will hear back from you. Your story is not uncommon, as Geoff mentioned, mental illness plays a part on the sufferer and their carers.

AGrace