Very depressed, suicidal partner I am unsure how to help?

[Tan_ika]

I have been with my partner for 5 years. In the last 12 months his mental health has severely declined he doesn’t talk to anyone about it except for me and doesn’t even open up to much to me. He is having suicidal thoughts and he’s so angry a lot of the time and I’m so scared he’s not going to come home one day. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get him to lean on more people around him, we have really good family and friends.  I told his dad and his boss and he’s really angry at me for that but i honestly don’t know what to do and I am struggling being the only one he has told I feel like I can’t help him enough. Any suggestions on how to talk to him about getting external help or even opening up to his inner circle would be appreciated. Thanks 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Ok, yes you need some help and I can see you are struggling.

Firstly, his faith in you is paramount so, no, I wouldnt betray his trust to discuss anything to family and friends. We know in these pages that many people are simply not aware enough nor trained in dealing with mental illness especially suicidal thoughts. Ok, enough of that.

I'm unaware form your post whether he has a mental health plan with his clinic?? If not then a trip to the doctor is essential for this. Now if he wont go it is a different situation than family and friends. If it needs to be an attendance whereby you go for a physical health check or head cold etc, then attend together. Usually the GP at the end will ask if you have anything else you'd like to talk about, thats your opportunity. Also, good idea is ring the day before and warn the GP about the problem. They will bring the topic up.

Today I posted a thread on suicidal thoughts, have a read-  https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/theories-on-suicidal-thoughts/m-...

Essentially replacing complex stress issues he has with fun and sport/hobbies could turn the tide of his thoughts. Removing toxic people, attend comedies, motivation lectures or even a trip to the beach. Subtle comments form you like "did you enjoy that trip to the beach and fish and chips?" if he did then a monthly visit is in order, you really have to read the room so to speak to identify how to maintain some happiness.

Now recently I had suicidal thoughts and got very upset one day. It was the worst day I'd had for 27 years since a suicide attempt in 1996. So eventually I walked into my clinic extremely upset and they provided me with a lady for company for the 2 hours it took for me to gather myself together. After that I attended a nearby mental health office where I was assessed. With no clear and definite suicide plan in in head I was assessed as low grade risk and therefore given phone numbers of a mental health clinic to allow access to professional help. I was allowed a number of free visits a year (I think 10). I was also given a 24 hour hot line number to ring if ever I felt at risk or my wife felt the need and they have crews that will travel to where ever the person is to assist in helping them. 

I hope I've helped. I'm only too aware of the lack of openness from men and it is a huge issue so we have to find ways to help and persuade them to care for themselves.

TonyWK

So, all this is dependent on him attending a GP clinic and being responsible for himself and you. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Tan_ika

I agree with TonyWK in so far as to getting him to the GP ...

Because expecting you to be his only confident is highly stressful & fearful place for you to be.

With your support & encouragement, you could encourage him to see the GP, who can help him understand what's been going on with his thoughts & feelings.

Maybe write up a mental health care plan, maybe see him more frequently to keep track of where his thinking is at, to offer other supports which will help you both - because you can't do this alone.

While it is a sort of 'betrayal' of the confidentiality your hubby expects, because it's his life at stake, I'm okay with you telling his boss & friends, so they can be aware & get him immediate help, if necessary.

If he is at immediate risk of self-harm or suicide, you may have to call for help for him - you may have to call 000,

I hope you won't, but crossing my fingers & hoping isn't what he needs.

It would be better for him to agree to reach out for help, even to call the GP, if he feels he can't cope anymore.

I think, also, you need support & care for yourself, too. That's why I'd suggest reaching out to people who can support you.

Please don't hesitate to call BB's counsellors: 1300 224 636 or LifeLine: 13 11 14. Or continue talking here.

There is a resource I understand has been very helpful to many people. It's the Suicide safety Plan. Here's a link to where you can find out more on this website:

Do you have a safety plan?

Perhaps you, your hubby & maybe your GP, too, can use this for when your hubby is feeling at his wit's end, or maybe to keep things from getting so bad.

In the meantime, yeah, see if you can get him out, doing something, especially things he has enjoyed doing, or invite a few of his friends over, not too many at a time. I remember my father was helped a lot by me playing chess & his friends, & he did get help too, from a doctor. I was young, so don't know much about that, but when he found a purpose, a goal which made him feel important again, he began to get himself out of his depression.

There is also the Suicide Callback Service: 1300 659 647

I hope this helps.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Tan_ika

You are such a beautiful and loving partner. He is so incredibly blessed you have you as a light in his life. Don't forget to look after that light in you as you use it to guide others. So important.

Having managed the ins and outs of depression over the last few decades (I'm a 53yo gal), I hit on a positively mind altering revelation not too long ago and that is 'Sometimes I just don't know how to do life' and sometimes it can feel impossible to do it on my own, without a guide of some sort. It sounds like maybe this could be what your partner's experiencing, trying to work everything out on his own, with a little help/guidance from you. #1 key, without a doubt, involves finding the right guide/s for the job and sometimes that can involve developing a really reliable circle of people.

While a deeply depressing and hopeless challenge may involve financial struggles, emotional struggles, the struggles that can come with a lost sense of self or not being able to see the way forward, this can actually look like a circle of much needed guidance. Might be comprised of a financial guide, an emotional guide to help make sense of new and old really telling emotions that aren't altogether clear, a guide to help find and develop a really solid sense of self and one who is a seer of some kind (who can see the way forward for us in ways we just can't). You followed guidance and it led you here. Whether you were led here by someone else or whether you were led here by some sage-like part of you, either way I hope such guidance has led you to some answers and relief.

I've found that the mantra 'Everything's okay. I can work this out for myself (some depressing factor/s in my life)' only works until things become completely intolerable and then it no longer works. Do you know of anyone who would act as a brilliant guide in his life when it comes to leading him in the right direction, a direction he'll be able to relate to in some way? Perhaps it might involve leading him away from certain destructive beliefs such as 'You should be able to work this out for yourself' or 'Sensitive people are weak'. Personally I find sensitive people to be people who can sense easily, which is technically an ability as opposed to a 'weakness'. What would you say you can sense in your partner? Maybe it's the feeling of 'being completely and utterly lost in the dark with absolutely no sense of direction'. From my own experience, I would have to say that is one of the worst feelings to try and live with.