UPDATED: My partner who is suffering from depression has told me 'I feel nothing for you but have feelings for a one time mutual friend'

[Sally2325]

Hi everyone, I'm new to these forums. I have been with my husband for 20 years and I on reflection I can see several instances in that time that my husband has been suffering depression. However, in the past 12 months he has become very depressed. It started on the lead up to him turning 40. The depression has put significant pressure on our marriage and in January he told me that he thought that we should seperate as we don't get along. My reaction surprised him I think (I was very upset and was plainly obvious that I was) - initially once I was over the surprise I recognised that it may be the depression clouding his view on our relationship. When I look back I can see "coldness" setting in and lessening intimacy as time went on. It took several months for me to be able to get through to him but I finally got him to visit the GP with me. The good news is that he is now on medication and visiting a psychologist. I've done lots of reading and recognise that the coldness and talk of splitting may be a result of the depression. However, I feel alone. I'm happy that he is getting treatment for our his and my daughters sake but I'm really missing my best friend & to be honest my lover. I'm finding that I'm feeling more anxious than normal and that I'm paranoid about comments / actions that I would normally not even thing twice about. Does it get easier? I want to provide as much support as needed with the hope we can save our marriage in the end. Thanks for listening.

[JessF]

Hello Sally,

I am sorry no one has replied toy ou before now, hopefully you are still coming back and checking. What a year of heartbreak it has been for you. It sounds like you have done everything possible to not only support your husband to seek help for his depression, but to try and keep the marriage and your family together.

You mention above that you came to the realisation recently that maybe your husband's depression couldn't be blamed for his desire to separate. This is something that I have seen very often here on these forums, sadly. A mental health condition does not give you a free pass to treat your loved ones poorly. Infidelity, emotional or otherwise, is not a primary symptom of depression and even if it were, the effect on you is the same: devastation, and an unstable home environment for your daughter.

Perhaps the next stage of thinking is around your desire to make "it" work for your daughter, and yourself. What does "it" look like? What are the building blocks of a respectful marriage, a happy home, for you and your daughter? If youa re able to answer those questions, then the next step is to ask yourself howlikely it is that your husband is able to meet those needs, and whether he is likely to in the future.

20 years is a huge chunk of your life. The rug has been pulled out from under you with all this, and it might also do some good to reflect a little on your sense of self. There is a strong strain of self-sacrifice coming through in all your posts: you seem to feel guilty for expressing any kind of emotion that might make your husband feel uncomfortable, and have high expectations that his needs should come first. Where is your support in all this? What do you feel that you deserve?

I hope you will post sagain soon.