UPDATED: Finding it hard to cope after breakup

[Moongoddess]

Im 25 years old and have battled with depression most of my life but its been particularly hard lately. Ive not long gone through a break up with the man i thought was my soulmate. I was with him over 6 years and lived with him about 5.. im lost with how to live now.. and i actually wrote a poem today about how i feel thought i would share here im sure many feel the same.. anyways enjoy my poem:

my heart all cracks, fractures and splinters,

feels like a thousand winters,
cold and all alone,
no one to call my own.

my heart does wither and decay,
nothing to keep the pain at bay,
so many restless nights,
all my dreams filled with frights,

no one to hear the screaming in my brain,
the pressure is so much i feel i could go insane,
hopelessness and despair,
are what follow me everywhere.

my eyes fill with tears,
these feelings i feel ive had for years,
shut down, broken and lost,
to scared to pay the cost.

how do i learn to live again...

[geoff]

dear Moongoddess, I know how you feel about losing someone you love, mine was after 25 years of being married, but I'm sure that after 6 years it feels exactly the same.
Your poem is lovely but sad and just wonder if there is anything you are doing at the moment to help you overcome all of this, would love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[TheSteve]

Hi Moongoddess,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Relationship breakups, especially after several years of being together, are particularly hard times. As you've mentioned, they throw your once-steady life into disarray and can at times convince you (albeit falsely) that the pain simply won't end, that happy times will not return, and that we are stranded without our other half.

As painful as this is, all of these thoughts and the feelings that accompany them are incorrect. The pain does end and time does heal wounds; happy times can and will return; and we are not less whole - we were born into this world alone and we are going out that way, we do not require anything or anybody to make us whole, we are already whole, complete, and intact.

There is much kindness and many sympathetic ears on this site, so use us as well as the BB resources as much and as often as you need to in order to help you through this period.

There are steps you will go through natural to the healing process here, that mimic the grief recovery process - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If you are currently in the phase of sadness, then you are part of the way through this process. In a relationship, each of the three first phases (denial, anger, bargaining) can happen while the relationship is still intact (or at least we believe it to be intact), but we are all different. To heal is to accept, and to accept is to create a whole new you and a new life for you.

Build your support network during this time - friends, family, colleagues, medical professionals, support groups (like this one) and so forth. Fill your days with activities as opposed to thoughts - exercise, a new diet, a new activity/hobby/sport etc, read about topics you did not have time for prior, learn a language, do new things. You are in the chrysalis right now, what you do determines how you come out the other side. But make no mistake - you do not NEED nor DEPEND on your ex to determine who or what you will be when you emerge.

Life has a funny way of giving us what we need and what we want. Sometimes we have to walk through hell to get to our destination. When you are walking through hell, the best thing is to keep walking.

We are here for you anytime, please come back and talk to us. All the best.

Steve

[pipsy]

Hi Moongoddess. May I say what a lovely name. Losing anyone either through death or breakup is hard. When we commit and it goes pear-shaped we often wonder where did we go wrong? Your bf obviously wasn't as fully committed as you were, that's sad too. Re-building life after a breakup means small steps. Can I ask if there was any warning he wanted 'out'? When I left my ex last year, I tried to tell him why and he simply refused to accept my reason. His response was anger, how dare I leave? The grieving process can be painful, it can also be a learning for you. Try keeping a journal about you, your journey from this point forward. Write down your inner most feelings, anger, rejection (that's a very important part of the grieving from a break-up). He broke the relationship, your feelings of rejection would be very real. Keep notes of when you're happy, what's made you happy. The feelings you write about are your learning to accept and believe in yourself. Try to accept he may not have been the 'right' one for you. This is another learning for you.

Lynda

[Moongoddess]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have my good days and bad days and lately there have been more bad days. My appetite is pretty much not there and my sleeping is so screwed up. I feel so useless and and pathetic. I would even let him see and sleep with other women if he would be with me again. And i know i deserve more than that and am better than that but still i love him and miss him so much i would do it. Depression is something i have always had to deal with but its different this time. I truly and absolutely feel like my heart is shattered beyond repair.. i hurt every day and i hate life and living at this point. Even though its been 5 months on i still feel like barely a person 😞

[TheSteve]

Hi Moongoddess,

Sorry to hear you are still going through a tough time. But while that is the case, we will still be here for you. Let me ask, have you been getting help (seeing a counselor, sharing your feelings with family/friends, making efforts in changing your lifestyle and thinking habits etc.)? If not, then this is a key reason you still feel the way you do.

It is not a good life - taking someone back unconditionally because you think they will fill a "gap" that somehow, can not be filled otherwise. This will guarantee a life of misery. Getting help now will ensure your misery ends, and life can begin again.

Listen and listen good - you are not irrepairable, and you do not need this person to make you whole or happy. What you need is help, guidance, and more time to heal and navigate through this maze of pain and confusion. You were born into this world without this person, and trust me when I say we are all going out alone. The best we can do is make good of the days in between, with people that will care for us, respect us, cherish us, and expect this and nothing more in return. You can't find your path if you keep pining for the road you think will deliver you (temporarily) from pain.

Go and get help, please. There are numbers to call on this site, you can get a referral from your GP. It is time Moongoddess came out of the chrysalis and grew wings. We must go through this stage in life, often times it hurts, and all the time we are completely transformed. Just like the butterfly. It is your time.

We are here for you all the time. Come back and chat if you need to. All my best to you.

Steve

[IAmJonDavid]

Hi,

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this.

Remember, you are strong!

[TheSteve]

Hi Moongoddess,

Just checking in to see how you are traveling? Come back and chat with us if you get a minute, all the best.

Steve