Unsure on whether it will get better

[Sam145]

My boyfriend has severe depression and has being struggling heaps over the past 2 weeks. We have been together on and off for about 3 years. It stopped being smooth sailing after the first year. I moved to Melbourne and we did long distance; 4 hours away. He never made the effort to come and see me I was always the one going to him. It has been a rocky relationship ever since. The longest we have spent apart, broken up has been a month. He has hurt me so much, he has lied, been unloyal although he hasn’t cheated (that I know of) he has done some similar stuff. We recently broke up and I didn’t talk to him for a month, he wrote me a letter and asked for a second chance I accepted. It has been 6 months and he had been lying from the start. I found out 5 months in that he still had tinder people on Snapchat and was talking to girls he was saying he wasn’t. I have been on edge ever since I found that out. He said he was talking to other girls for support because I wasn’t listening to how he was feeling. I have always tried my best to support him through his tough times. It takes a huge toll on me and I don’t think I can handle it anymore, I’m a happy person and like to have fun. We are very different people. I love him to bits and I’m scared to leave. I don’t like being alone. Recently he has been getting bad. He says he can’t talk to anyone about his problems. He is keeping someone else’s secret and has sworn to secrecy and won’t tell me and he said it is affecting him greatly. He isn’t coping and idk what to do. He isn’t sure if it will get better and I’m not sure how much more I can take and if it is worth it. Idk if it will be the same. Part of me really wants to support him through it and then work us out later but the other part wants to focus solely on me. I’m not happy but I don’t want to be without him. I really want us to work out but I’m not getting my needs satisfied. Do I help him through his problems, put my needs aside help him get better then try work us out or do I just focus on myself and my own happiness? All I really want from him is to be able to spend regular time with him, we both work full time at the same workplace in fast food so we work different shifts. We live in the same town now. I just want to get back to us. He wants me to be happy and to focus on myself and said if that means moving on from him so be it. He doesn’t know if it will get better. I just want to be happy but I don’t want to break up with him. He wants to get better

[JessF]

Hello Sam145, there are a lot of ifs buts and maybes in your post. It sounds like you have been putting up with a lot for a long time and are finally beginning to wonder whether it's all worth it.

The key for me is in the middle of your post where you say "I love him to bits and I’m scared to leave. I don’t like being alone."

The fear of being alone is not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. In fact, the fear of being alone is likely to lead you into bad relationships time and time again until you work through that fear and conquer it.

From what you are describing, you have effectively been alone for much of the three years you have known your boyfriend, either through physical distancing or emotional.

I think you are right that your time is best spent focusing on your needs.

[PamelaR]

Hi Sam

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. It is good you've found your way here. People are caring, friendly, supportive and have experience with mental health.

Do you mind as we go through if I ask you a few questions? It just helps to get the conversation going.

I'm assuming you are both in your late teens or early twenties. So you have a whole life ahead of you. Supporting someone with depression and anxiety is hard work and takes commitment. It can be done, however, you must also be aware of your own mental health as you go on such a journey. You need to take care of yourself as well. You are the priority. So if things aren't going well for you, you do have to think first about your own welfare.

When we have anxiety and depression, it is so important to have someone to talk to, as well as seeing a health professional/s on a regular basis. I talk with my hubby and see my gp and psychologist monthly. Talking through issues helps to identify the underlying cause. You say something has upset him recently but won't talk to you about it. Does he see a gp or a counsellor? He needs to think about talking to them. They have to respect his privacy unless what he tells them endangers himself or anyone else. Then they are bound to report the matter.

If he wants to talk annonymously, he could call one of the support services, e.g.

• Beyond Blue Support Services 1300 224 636
• Lifeline 13 11 14
• If aged 12-25 eHeadspace 1800 650 890

You are doing really well and it's so good of you to want to support him. To help you do this think about whether you would also benefit from talking with someone about your relationship and helping someone with depression. As I'm not a counsellor, think about other services you can contact, e.g. - Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 or the Beyond Blue Support Services 1300 224 636.

Let us know how you get on.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Hang10]

Hi Sam145

Welcome to the B.B. Forum too, such wonderful advice form both JessF and PamelaR. Their words of wisdom are very helpful in your time of need.

I think you not fully shore or ready to leave. You no doubt love him and have always been loyal to him which is wonderful in any relationship. He confused I think about what he wants, How he feels and what he needs. I think for him. He needs help as PamelaR has kindly provided. For you, beening alone is what you fear if the relationship don’t work is a bit worrying, totally agree with JessF. Lot of people will take advantage of that and you be at a higher risk of bad relationships. You are strong and you can achieve anything. Believe in yourself Sam

All the very best

Hang 10

[Doolhof]

Hi Sam145,

Welcome to the community here. You have already received some great responses.

It might help you to take out pen and paper and make two columns, one for the pros and one for the cons. Write down reasons for staying with your boyfriend than consider reasons for leaving him.

Take a look at the lists, maybe put it aside for a day or two than reconsider what you have written. It might help you to clarify what you want to do.

Cheers from Dools

[Sam145]

We are both 21. He sees a psychologist. He saw his on Monday.

I am considering seeing one myself

[blondguy]

Hi Sam145

The support and advice above is excellent and focuses on you as your well being and happiness is paramount.

I really hope you can place yourself first. It may take some time for your partner to recover from his depression as there is no quick fix unfortunately. I have had depression for some years now and even with super regular treatment it still lingers

Being with a partner that has diagnosed depression is hard work. You are proactive by mentioning to see a counselor yourself....even a GP would be a huge help!

Please be gentle to yourself Sam145

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Sam145]

I talked with him today to see where we were at. It’s still the same. He needs to focus on getting better and I need to focus on myself and my management training that I’m doing atm. He wants me to move on because he thinks he is holding me back. He thinks we are going on separate paths and said what’s the point. He still doesn’t know what he wants. He said he wants to fix himself so we can be better, but my gut is telling me we won’t make it through. I think the inevitable is that we break up

[Sam145]

We broke up. He cheated on me. He told me 3 weeks after it happened, he was struggling mentally because of what he has done to me. When we broke up he said it was because he wasn’t happy and he didn’t tell me he cheated, he told me a week later. Then he was begging for another chance on multiple occasions, I said no and have him blocked on everything. He now has a new girlfriend. I hate how he can cheat on me with his ‘best friend’ and his best friend can cheat on her boyfriend with mine and then they get everything and I get nothing. She is back with her ex and I’m left to suffer. I have to see both of them every day at work and it hurts, I have to deal with the pain everyday.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sam145,

This situation certainly sounds difficult. Is it possible for you to find a counsellor to talk with regarding how you are feeling? You are certainly welcome to share more here, I can imagine it is hard to see both of these people at work.

Do you have to work on the same shift as your ex boyfriend, can you talk tot he person who does the rosters and ask if you can be scheduled to work different times?

Do you have people there who can help and support you through this?

It is important to try and look after yourself despite how you are feeling. Keep up looking after yourself and being aware of your needs right now.

Do you have something planned for the weekend? do you have friends you can go out with?

Cheers from Dools