Unsolved relationship issues

[Worried_Mother]

Hi, mother 2 and 1 on the way. I'm having difficulty trying to get the father of my kids to support the idea of having time to spend with the kids while we are seperated. We've tried to make the relationship work, for us, then for the kids. But it never seems to get any better. I've come to the realisation that we would never work, but the kids father just can't live with the idea that he just gets "visits" with the kids. He has literally told me, he would rather die then just get visits with his kids. I am in no way stopping him from seeing the kids or having any time with them. I've asked him to get help and speak to some professionally, but he brushes it off. How does one deal with this situation? I don't even know what I do. On one hand I don't want him to hurt himself and shut himself out of the kids lives because I know he loves them, but then I don't want to have to sacrifice my happiness to diffuse the situation.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Worried_Mother,

You sound as though you’re feeling very conflicted, frustrated & exhausted. In particular, as you said, you’re feeling torn between caring about your ex and caring about your own happiness/wellbeing. I feel for the difficult position you are in...

I agree with you that it does seem like your ex could benefit from professional help. But sadly, he doesn’t sound very open to the idea. I get that he is struggling and hurting, and that he must be in a difficult place for him (and for you).

I wonder if perhaps you might like to consider couples counselling, not to bring you back together as a couple, but to help both of you (especially him) transition out of a relationship/adapt to a new co-parenting situation. Although, I would suggest making it clear to him (and the therapist) that it’s not to fix the relationship, but it’s to adapt to a different future e.g. co-parenting, having a respectful relationship while not being together, etc.

It’s just a little suggestion, so you can see if you like that idea or not. I wonder how you would feel about something like that...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[CKS]

Hi Worried-Mother

I am no counselor but I think you should not place too much weight on his statement 'he would rather die then just get visits with his kids'. If he loves them so much then he will appreciate any contact he has with them. You must not sacrifice your own happiness! It may take a little time for him to get used to the situation... but don't give up.

Best Wishes and take care

CKS

[geoff]

Hello Worried_Mother, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry I've been sitting on this comment as I had to go out.

Trying to adapt from being with the children all the time to then a couple of times a week or even less can be heartbreaking, however, you have another baby due soon and the amount of work required by you will be enormous, but if you and the father can't get on then it's pointless living together.

The friction will not be good for the kids and certainly not for you when you are expecting, you need to keep yourself as relaxed as possible, and that's not easy with a young family.

The father will eventually be missing the children and will slowly accept the fact that he can only see the children as per the arrangement.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[paddyanne]

Hi Worried_Mother. Your husband's obviously having difficulty coming to terms with this parting and not being with the kids as he was. He's trying to accept everything, separation, access etc and he's having issues with most of the changes to his life. I knew a chap many years ago who had left his wife and child and he often remarked that he would 'crawl over burning rocks for his daughter'. Your husband obviously adores his kids and is hurt by the separation. I doubt he will hurt himself, he's lashing out threatening, but it's mainly just the intense pain of the separation causing his statement. Perhaps think about arranging for a neutral meeting place where he could spend time with the kids on his own or with a 3rd party (depending on the age of the kids). If the kids themselves are old enough to see him alone, this would be beneficial to him. Having to see you while seeing the kids could be adding to his depression. He obviously still wants the 'family unit' and seeing the kids with you is building hopes that this could still occur. You need to know you can move on with your life and this constant battle isn't helping any of you.