Unhappy about separation

[Guest_598]

Hello All,

I have posted here before and after all the issues and sadness my husband and I have gone through, we have decided amicably to separate. This is mainly so that my husband can explore whether he really wants children (which I do not and never will) and also because I am planning to move overseas which he cannot see himself doing anymore at the moment. We fought a lot in the end, which wasn't us. It was probably all the frustration about the difficult situation paired with a lot of historical issues we have been carrying around. We are still seeing a counsellor and we want to clean out the historical issues to make our peace with it and also because these things should not have become so big in our, otherwise very loving, relationship. So in the end, once we work through all those issues, we will only separate because of the kids and overseas questions.

Although we both know that that is probably the only option at the moment because we otherwise cannot "find ourselves", especially him who is extremely torn, we are struggling with the idea of separating. I am driving it further because I believe it will be the best option for him to finally realise what he wants in life (which will be good for him and I want him to be happy) and also so I can see what I really want and what I may have left unsatisfied for a while now (not physically but emotionally). So it is probably really the best but at the same time, there is so much love which hurts when we realise that soon, we will not share all those lovely little things together anymore - like cooking together, movie nights, travelling etc. I know it's only small things in the grand scheme of things but it just hurts and we are both scared of making a mistake. At the same time, I feel at the moment like it would be a mistake to stay together because these matters will never be dealt with properly simply because we're too scared to lose each other as life partners. We said that nothing is lost yet and if we find out what we want and that that is each other more than anything, we can give it another shot. But I am not sure that will happen. I know everything will be for the best but do you have any experience with similar cases where people love each other but other external factors require them to go separate ways because life goals may be diverging. And do you have experience with people coming back together after separation? Did that work and how?

Any advice would be wonderful, thank you!

[geoff]

Hello AussieGal81, thanks for posting your comment, however I'm a little confused you say that you don't want to have children, but we will only separate because of the kids and overseas questions, maybe I've missed something, sorry.

Is it possible to separate when you're not so far away because you seem to love each other but have problems you need to overcome.

Maybe ask your counsellor because to me the further you are apart the more difficult it could be to get together again.

My thoughts'.

Geoff.

[Guest_598]

Hi Geoff,

thanks for your message and sorry, I think I should have clarified. I always said that I don't want to have children and I would like to live overseas again (flexible on location) in the future. We spoke about that several times before we got married because I said that if he had differing views on this, we should probably not get married because I did not believe my feelings would change and I could not promise him anything. He was fine with the path forward at that time and for me, my views on children and overseas (closer to my family) did not change. However, my husband's view changed last year and he felt this strong urge to have kids and he felt settled here and that he no longer wanted to go overseas. He has been all over the place not knowing what he wants. It caused him a lot of depression or sadness and a lot of confusion, frustration and pain for the two of us. So after months of to-ing and fro-ing and our relationship being really strained, we decided that we need to separate to have the time and space to find out what we really want. In particular him. However, now he is becoming more and more uncertain that he wants to separate. I think it is partly because he loves me too much (as he says) but also partly because he is scared of the pain and the uncertainty that may follow (i.e. will he find a new woman or if he realises he wants me more than kids, will I still want to get back together).

For me, it is hard as well because I will miss all the beautiful little things but at the same time, I have huge fears that nothing will ever change without gaining real clarity. We have had difficult times every year so far and although some of the things can be worked through, I do not believe that we will ever really have a healthy relationship as long as he doesn't figure out where he wants his life to go. And maybe I will learn new things about myself, too. In the past nine and a half years, we have been shaped by our relationship, a part of me thinks that we may need some time to find back to ourselves and be just that, our real true selves. But at the same time I struggle with it all because the love is there. But love cannot conquer all, at least I no longer believe it can. There has been a fair amount of damage done. I just wonder whether there would be a chance of success if we ever decided to come back together after some time apart. And what do I do if he now changes his mind about separating?

[Guest_598]

Hi All,
after a lot of heartache and trying, my husband and I separated. There were a lot of different reasons and for me in the end, the main reason was that it was simply not good and healthy anymore. I was dreaming of a life where things are not always hard and following a recurring pattern. We separated amicably and want to be best friends, however, obviously, as long as the separation is fresh, it is difficult. We worked slowly towards the separation to get our lives in order and look after each other. I feel I took that time very seriously to cope with the pain of the past and the future changes that were to come. I think I already went through a lot of the grieving cycle before we even split. I moved out and since then am actually going ok. Of course, I have bad times but I always find back to my positive angle towards life. However, I think my husband shut all these things out and now that I am gone, it is hitting him hard. He has been in touch every day - not in an annoying way but it shows me he cannot let go. I think we would need some more definitive time to ourselves so he can start to accept the new life. He is very down and hoping we will reconcile. I told him that I consider that very unlikely but that i want to be friends one day when we have accepted fully that we are no longer a couple. I fear that he gives in to false hopes and therefore doesn't move on with his life. I am not sure what to do. I am very blunt with him in a nice way because I want him to be fully aware of how I feel about coming back together. I told him it is not going to happen. Yet, he struggles with the notion. I feel torn because I hate knowing that he is going so badly while I am further along the road but at the same time, he is quite responsible for our situation (of course, we both are and made a mutual decision). I do not want to hang him out to dry and I have to manage the relationship because we own investments together and of course, I don't want bad blood. But this is not healthy for him and his sadness causes me grief that shouldn't be my responsibility anymore. What should I do? How do I best help him without further breaking his heart but also while keeping my own heart safe from someone else's pain and responsibilities. He is a grown-up, and this is his life and his grief to go through just like I went through mine for a long time while we were still together. He only focuses on the good, not the bad we had. Thank you.