Unable to move on from ex
I have been really struggling with the end of my first serious relationship at a time when i needed him the most.
So my boyfriend of 2 years went away on a guys holiday with a few of his single friends. While he was away, a family member that I was very close to passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. I rang him from the hospital and he was as supportive as he could be over the phone. That night he went out partying and cheated on me. I was trying to contact him while he was with the other girl. The next day I knew something had happened but didnt know what, he wasnt due to return home for another 2 weeks. eventually he told me what had happened and then for the next two weeks he made me think we could work it out. As hard as it would have been, i knew i loved him with all my heart and would be able to get past what he did. He had never done anything like that before and he was honest with me about what happened.
When he got back, he came around and ended things with me straight away. He told me that he still loved me but just couldn't be with me any more, that he now has a whole new perspective on life. He then said things like he was only with me out of loneliness. I feel so stupid for thinking he loved me. I feel so used, but i cant let go. I still love him and want him back.
I feel like it was all my fault. The last few months had been difficult for me, i don't have anything stable in my life, due to the nature of my work, which can also be very confronting at time. I know i had been down and complaining about things a lot to him and i feel like i drove him away. I know that there is no change of us ever getting back together - he straight up told me that.
Since the break-up i know he hasn't given me a thought, but i cannot stop thinking about him. Ive tried to keep busy, but nothing seems to be working. Its been months and im still as cut up about it as i was at the time.
To make things worse, a family member that had been supporting me through everything, has now been hanging out with him, introducing him to her friends and posting pictures of her in his bed. I dont want to cause any family trouble but I dont know how to deal with any of this.
Would greatly appreciate any advice!
Any breakup normally hurts one person and unfortunately this is you on this ocassion, I know how it feels as I was in exactly the same position so the pain still lingers on for you but not for him.
Talking on the phone can be very difficult, because you can't see the expression on his face, in other words whether he has been genuine or whether he thinks that that's what you should be told, but when he came home he said that it was not going to work out and ended the relationship.
You can still love him if you want to, but he has now seen what can happen outside of any relationship, and it's so easy to put the blame on yourself, but it takes '2 to tango' as they say, where he could have helped you through your difficult times, instead he decided to go away with his mates, so they wasn't any loyality for you and making it even worse is that he is seeing another family member, which is going to make your family situation also difficult.
This is what is going to put a wedge between you and your sibling so I see this as becoming more of a problem. Geoff.x
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. For what it's worth I want you to know that you're not to blame. Men (and women) are capable of thoughtless acts. Some people struggle to express how they feel. Through weakness they hide their feelings. Through weakness they cheat on their partners.
I'm not proud of some of the things I have done in my youth. Now I am older I have learned and have more integrity. Your ex lacks integrity, but unfortunately it's human nature. He's consumed by feel good hormones which have suddenly given him the courage to say to you whatever he likes to you. Things that are very hurtful and make you question your part in all of this.
So don't blame yourself. He's done a pretty crappy thing. At least you know what he's done and he's not hiding it from you. His ongoing actions reveal his poor morals and lack of integrity. The other "family member's" actions are questionable. I'd be cutting off communications with them mainly so you don't have to see those posting's. That's such poor form from someone supposedly proving their support.
I hate it when people say this to me but it's true - time will heal. I know it's been a few months but you've had a lot happening. What is the nature of your work? Is there some way you could get some counseling to help you through this?
Above all please don't blame yourself for this. And agree with Geoff, I'm concerned about this other family member - it's creating another layer of complexity and also prolonging your recovery time and needs to be sorted
Everyone keeps telling me that im young (25) and will meet someone new, but i honestly cant even think of ever loving anyone else, especially when all i want is to hear from him that he has changed his mind. I cant get though a day without tears. It all came out of nowhere, we were planning so many things for the future together and suddenly its all gone.
i work as a temp teacher, so everyday i wake up not knowing if i will have work that day. i have lost all my passion for teaching and have been trying to change careers for a while now, but nothing is just working out.
I feel like i have lost everything and now im alone and unemployed in a city where i don't know many people.
I've been to a GP and everything but nothing seems to be helping. I keep thinking that if i can win him back everything will be ok - even though i know how silly that sounds.
i've tried to speak to my parents about the other family member, but as far as they are concerned all fault is with him and shes not at fault at all, which is making things difficult.
I'm really just feeling so lost and upset.
If you don't mind me asking who is the other family member? I don't think it's cool that your parents have minimised it. I would daresay they have no idea how to handle the situation and have/are handling it poorly.
That leaves how you handle it. You're young, I get it....but it's still real. 2 years is a long time in anyone's books and it's going to take a while to get over it. BUT YOU WILL. It might seem an impossibility now but slowly these intense feelings will fade. You will function better and you will move on. I know that's the last thing you want to here at this point of time, so you know what - if you have a friend removed from all of this catch up with them. Go for walks. Eat icecream and watch...ummm The Devil Wears Prada? Maybe do something you wouldn't normally do like a cooking class. Hell I'm going to do that soon. Just don't let this bring you down too much.
Your work is important. Consider moving where you can find a permanent job. Temping as good is as it is, isn't forever. Teaching is an amazing profession and we need good teachers. So please, for the greater good, go out there and teach those little brats good and proper. There's more to life than a cheating boyfriend. It sucks but it's not the end. Knuckle down and do some good. We'll be here for you, when you need us.
G day Livv
Firstly Im sorry to hear about your situation, its probably the most heartbreaking feeling being broken up with when you truly love someone. I know exactly how u feel as a girl I was and still is in love with has left me twice because I suspect she has mental issues as well as doing a FIFO job which is exacerbating her problems. after suddenly breaking up the first time and ignoring me for 2 months we ended up back together for 3 months only for her to do the same thing again, only days after saying she loved me and missed me etc.
I am also finding it very hard to move on almost 4 months later as I know down the track I will hear from her again,
I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work and you cant help how u feel, but don't ever blame yourself for a break up, never feel like a failure for loving someone, maybe down the track they will look back and realise what they gave up, I don't think a lot of people these days realise how lucky they are to have someone truly love them for them. one day someone will come along who will appreciate what you have to give
small bit of advice I have is if you into your fitness try just going for a run or a walk or do a work out, I find this helps keep the horrible feelings at bay and provides some distraction
looking forward to your reply
I'm so sorry you have also experienced this. It's not something i would ever wish anyone else to go through because its so painful.
I haven't heard from him since he ended things, and i don't think i ever will. I really would like to, just to give it another try. We had never had any problems before, maybe the odd little argument over something small like what to eat lol. I feel so invisible to him and i cant understand how he is finding it all so easy and hasn't once thought about me? it's been 4 months now.
Thank you, hopefully the weather will get better to be able to go for a walk lol
Yeh I can relate to that, we never had any problems either - got on so well, very similar views on things, then all of a sudden all over and 4 months down the track like i never even existed. This has happened twice now last time was 2 months, gut wrenching.
i think the best thing is even though it's bloody hard at times is to work on yourself and become the best person u can be, also then down the track if they ever get in touch again u are strong enough to make the right choice with your head rather than your heart, I know I will if it happens
Where is Aus are you? I'm in Perth and it hasn't stopped raining here either!
hope my post has helped a little
First of all, I would like to say, sorry for your loss, it's horrible to lose a family member you love dearly.
Sorry to hear your boyfriend cheated on you, you seem smart to be a teacher. If it's meant to be, things will work out for you both, if not, eventually you will meet a nice guy who will love you and be your rock always. I say this because it's been a year since I broke up with my girlfriend and still the pain is raw, it was my first relationship and it hurts so much. I had counseling and so many people trying to help me, but not having that special someone there brings an emptiness. I really hope you can cope and think of the bright side of things. It's hurting like he'll now, but this experience will make you wiser and stronger in the future. It's better to have a bitter ending, than be like a life of bitterness with the wrong person. Your worth so much more, value your principles and look forward to meeting many new people in the future.
ALL THE BEST
Your past b/friend and you may have made plans for the future which in hindsight he may have not wanted to do after all, but if by chance you did stay together then you would not be sure of what he would do behind your back, so if you were married and had children the heartbreak would be devastating, ten times worse than what it feels like now, and in saying that your loss still doesn't feel comfortable for you. I'm sorry. Geoff.x