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Community Member

Hi everyone

I know this is a non-judgemental forum otherwise I wouldn't be posting this but here goes. 

Ive been married for 4 years. For about two and a half of those years, things were great. We had intimacy, trust and security, had fun together and our home was our haven. Yes we had our moments like every relationship but overall I was happy.

Then my husband started a new job and became miserable, day in and day out. Even on holidays or weekends he wasn't able to relax or be happy. He started to drink, then ultimately started to lie to me about where he was and how much he had to drink. There was little to no intimacy left in our relationship. 

Im ashamed to say that when this was at its worst I started an emotional affair with a colleague. There was never any physical cheating, but nevertheless it was the kind of relationship I wouldn't want my husband to know about. That's over now but I still have guilt about it. 

Now, I have serious trust issues with my husband and catch him in a lie every now and then. Nothing major but I just hate that he lies to me. 

In the meantime, my first love has come back into my life and we've struck up a friendship. I find myself falling back in love with him. He's married now too but I can't help fantasising about a life with him. My husband has no idea that I have this friendship.

Of course I see the hypocrisy. I hate that he lies to me and yet I am lying to him too. I don't want to lose the friendship with my ex but I fear that if I tell my husband he won't want me to continue the friendship, or he will notice my feelings for my ex. 

Part of me wants to stop lying because I loathe it and I want the trust back, the other part of me wants to leave my husband. Part of me blames him for the loss of trust and the other part feels so guilty and ashamed.

I am just so confused.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi LFP, welcome to beyond Blue forums

There is an element of "the grass is greener..." here. But I wouldn't feel guilty about that. We all do it. Fantasize about what life would be like with an old flame. Trouble is- it never works that way.

I knew two couple once. The wife of one and the husband of another eloped from their partners. Their fling lasted 4 months before the wife returned to her husbands house only to find her husband and the abandoned wife were together!!!  So the eloping couple were left alone and seemingly destroyed.

Back to you. If you haven't got a happy marriage then you are even more keen to fantasize. Ask yourself....am I being realistic with my thoughts in this regard. Would it ever happen? If not then try to move on with these ideas.

Your case however would likely benefit from a family counsellor. Relationships Australia might be a starting point. Good luck

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Lookingforpeace,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

I agree with what whiteknight has said but I just want to add something further.

If you were to sit down and explore all your options - so one option is doing what you're doing now, another might be focusing on your relationship with your husband, or focusing on your relationship with your ex-  which option is going to make you happiest?  Which option really makes you feel fulfilled in the long run?  Which option is really worth fighting for?

I think that sometimes all of us can try and focus what might make us happy now - but maybe step back and think about what's going to help you really be fulfilled in the future.

Good luck 🙂