FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Triggered by opinionated SIL

Aria87
Community Member

When my hubby & i first got together, i felt his sister VERY clingy to him,in which took her time to realize he was now in a relationship &soon to be married so she learnt her boundaries etc.

We had a falling out early stages, where she involved herself too much when i fell pregnant with my son. We moved on, but in my heart i knew she was at fault, HOWEVER took it as a lesson learnt with my husband & got over it - my husband did not see the issue.

SIL has since divorced & now in a relationship in which nobody approves & is somewhat a secret due to her religious beliefs (which is also contradicting as the argument we had about was religious views and if this is the case she is doing way worse than my husband & i did which again is non of her business, nor is her choices to me)

My SIL then became distant which my husband knew was something to do with us, i was blind sighted as me & the SIL have been fine (i assumed) but when he asked her what was wrong, so told my husband she was annoyed with me.

Her bday, i had covid, was on my way to negative however still VERY unwell, yet i packed up my family to spend the weekend away for her, had a great time yet still fell very sick & left the next morning as i had work the next day - she stated i acted as if i didnt want to be there & it was her bday & shouldve made more effort.

Same event- i made a comment about a dish cooked, in which i told my son he wouldnt like it, as i know what my son eats and wastes - she complained i was offensive as it was something they prepared.

Her children, have in the past gotten my child into trouble by winding him up etc. - she complained how i am WITH MY OWN SON & told my husband i should let him be around her children.

I was triggered once my husband told her in this chat that he would inform me about how she feels in which she replied "if i knew you would tell her, i wouldn't have told you"

 

THIS is the issue i cannot deal with - SIL wanting to be the center of attention & going out of her way to tell my husband these issues which i think are ridiculous & she expects my husband to not tell me. I believe she shouldn't have said anything to my husband, as i wouldn't put my own brother in this situation & wedge myself between him & his wife. Im trying to be a better & still treating her as normal, yet now she is distant which reminds me of the past where i was originally hurt by their comments.

9 Replies 9

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Aria, your husband has married you and not his sister, so his respect should be with you and not her and that's where trust develops.

You have your own family and that's what your husband needs to be looking after and not what his sister tells him, simply because she does not know everything that goes on in your family and there are on many occasions where she shouldn't be told, it's none of her business.

If he wants to tell her what's going on then his trust has been broken.

Let her cope with her new relationship and cast her aside.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Aria87
Community Member

Hi Geoff, youre a champion this made me giggle.. cast her aside. 🙂

 

My husband was clear to her that he doesnt hind anything from me, so i give him credit for that.

Its more my SIL that continues to want to be the center of attention, i find its draining.
She doesnt have another sister in law to understand how she acts, the other siblings are single and her partner does not have sisters. I dont have sisters either, but i sure know the line and where to draw it.

 

I am glad it came to surface that what i started at the start was true, opened my husbands eyes more.

 

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Aria87

My SIL is a lot like yours.  My husband and I have been married over 30 years and we are close to sixty years of age now.  In all that time my SIL hasn't changed.  I suppose, from her perspective, my husband is her younger brother and in need of her advice to address her many complaints.

Neither one of us can stop what comes out of her mouth, but we both just ignore her comments, roll our eyes and carry on the way we want.  It doesn't matter what she says and it doesn't matter what yours says.  Just be true to yourself and your values, do your best and let the cards fall where they may. Make it her problem.

It's taken time but I actually get on with my SIL now, but I don't let her in my head.

Kind thoughts to you

Hi Summer, thank you for your message..and its so very true, but i guess it does take time. I did go from being triggered and annoyed, to doing my best not to care, it just takes me a little longer i guess.

I sadly had an event with my SIL and her new partner (which i believe slowly is the reason my SIL is becoming more who she is with her out spoken comments..) in which they made it VERY uncomfortable for me, but i didnt allow that to show. 

Her partner came to shake my hand, instead of hug and kiss me hello.. which i laughed off, twice.

her partner spilt drink all over my belongings by accident, and they all sat there and said nothing, so i just walked away quietly to clean up my things, and SIL barely made effort so i just kept to my happy self talking to everyone else. My husband, bless him, noticed how it was for me and could see it wasn't me, and all i need is him recognizing that which helps defuse my annoyance. 

 

Im not sure on the saying.. but i feel as she did wrong, i didnt react and now the truth is unveiled and she looks bad, yet they still make me uncomfortable.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Aria, thanks for getting back to me, because I wouldn't have known under these new forums unless you or anybody else had replied recently.

I'm pleased I tickled your sense of humour but for your SIL's partner to spill a drink over your belongings is an accident that turned out to be deliberate and is unforgivable.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Aria

I’m really sorry that you had such a triggering experience with your SIL and her new partner.

Unfortunately, they were both rude to you. Do you think the spilling of the drink was an accident? 
If it wasn’t an accident, then I agree with Geoff—that crossed a line. And it needs to be addressed. You are not a target for them to freely abuse.

If it was a genuine accident it was still very rude of both of them not to offer to help clean up the mess. I think you showed incredible restraint to keep your cool and keep the peace.

If I were in your shoes, I’d be looking to reduce the time you spend with them. Perhaps, given your husband knows how they make you feel, you could politely decline the next invitation or event. Your SIL might get the message without any confrontation.

Kind thoughts to you

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Geoff

I just want to pop in and say hello to you. I really hope you’re feeling well.

Kind thoughts to you

Aria87
Community Member

Hi Geoff,

I totally agree, with the confirmation from yourself and Summer, its helped me overcome this and i come across to my SIL and all in laws to be honest that i dont give a poo (containing my language haha) .. learning how to react, has definitely back fired to her. She is somewhat awkward, as she knows i know but as i have stayed true to myself she naturally may feels guilty. I do not care. 
Hope youre having a nice day! 

Hello Summer! 

I believe it was an accident, judging how it unfolded.. but i agree, no help or apology or SOMETHING was very rude. My SIL to me after this, is finished. Yes ill stay how i am, see her at events we must be apart of etc. But i 100% will not make the effort how i used to to make sure i always catered for her feelings. 
I have also reduced visiting them all, across the board. As they all have their own annoying issues to deal with, but less is best. I will see them at Easter hahah!

I had asked my husband if she brought up that chat with him again when i was not around, which she hadnt. and my husband wouldnt hide anything from me, so hopefully SIL keeps me out of her mouth and learns herself a little lesson. But, im already now mentally prepared for her if she brings it up, where ill gladly tell her i felt she was out of place even bringing it up.

Have a great day!