Cheated

[SizzleW]

A month ago I made the decision to sleep with someone else other than my husband. This guy that I slept with is 11 years younger than me and has a child (single dad whom I met through work). I loved the excitement, the fun, the naughtiness of it and many of times I have wanted to do it again. I feel no affection from my husband even when I have tried to initiate things. I don't know what to do, my feelings are mixed I love my husband but am starting to develop feelings for the other guy. 

[Bob_22]

Hi SizzleW,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post. It sounds like you're in a bit of a tricky situation. My best advice would be to have an open discussion with your husband (including your decision to sleep with your coworker). It is best to disclose the cheating as soon as you can as these things generally come out sooner or later. It would be good to chat about the state of your relationship and whether you guys need any assistance (e.g. relationship counselling) or if it would be best to separate. 

Hope that helps.

Bob

[Dadmeister]

Hi Sizzlew, i was in the position of your husband, i.e. my wife was the one that cheated. Being cheated on is the most gut wrenching experience of my life. All i can urge you to do is be truthful to him. My ex denied and lied about it for 3 years until she confessed. Those 3 years of being gaslighted nearly finished me. The day she confessed I felt the biggest weight come off my shoulders. I am not here to judge you but simply remind you "that the truth will set you free" Good luck

[therising]

Hi SizzleW

Excitement is definitely a must in life, otherwise life can become unexciting, unadventurous, unfulfilling and even depressing. 'How we gain or experience all these things?' is the question, so as not to feel a soul destroying sense of emptiness.

I look at marriage as a contract of sorts, with an agreement in the beginning. Is the contract or agreement based on monogamy or an open marriage, good or poor communication, evolution or stagnation etc etc? Personally, I've been married for almost 21 years. I can't verbally re-sign my marriage contract on my own, based on it being a mutual contract with my husband. Giving your husband the opportunity to verbally re-sign means giving him the opportunity to state what new contract he wants, under the circumstances. Could involve re-signing to

• another marriage contract down the track with someone who also chooses monogamy (aka leaving his current marriage to do so)
• an open marriage for both of you
• working on gaining a better understanding of each others needs and feelings
• including more adventure, excitement, energy/emotion
• a different type of intimacy or sex life together
• a greater sense of mental, physical and soulful well being and exploring all the ways that involve you raising yourselves and each other through different strategies

and so on.

He should be given the choice, something Dadmeister and Bob point to, which involves you being honest with him. Of course this is going to be hard to do as it may involve great heartbreak and hurt for your husband or maybe he'll feel differently. Maybe he's been looking for a reason to leave and will see this as some sort of relief. That's something only you or he knows. I understand such honesty will be a hard challenge to face, even a fearful challenge in a lot of ways.

At the end of the day, with an empty and unhappy marriage, there's the push to either end it or reform it. Finding excitement with someone else is about ignoring the push to do what needs to be done. As I reform a depressing and empty marriage, I can say it's far from easy, that's for sure.

[geoff]

Hello SizzleW, there are many different forms of loving someone, such as, you love your sister or brother, but that's a complete type of love than being with a partner where it is exciting, venturous and loads of fun, the same applies to when you are married where your love for your spouse could be transformed into caring because of what you have been through, however it could have lost the intimacy and affection you so much crave for.

When this suddenly happens with another person you attach yourself to them and that's what has happened with this new 'friend', unlike with your husband, so you keep pursuing this adventure.

To be honest to yourself you need to mention something to your husband, with a possible suggestion of either getting help together or perhaps separating, as the ball is in your court.

Geoff.

Life Member.