Tolerance of other people

[white knight]

Hi,

This and future threads is devoted to how we, with mental illness, can or cannot tolerate other people.

 I'd like to talk about family traits. As individuals and family units we all have our negative traits, some tolerable, others not so. Here is one example:

A lovely female non blood relative of mine has what I'd describe as a intolerable trait. In fact I've identified this trait in her mother too, so it is something she has inherited. I call it "unintended rudeness" and because it is unintended I should have more tolerance for it...but I dont.

While talking to either of them , having a good conversation, they get distracted easily...very easily. Whatever distracts them takes immediate priority over whatever I'm talking about. The things that distract them is - anything! Eg talking away if the postman delivers mail "I wonder if my telstra bill just arrived". Or "have I taken my blood pressure tablet this morning"? "What's the time" and so forth.

If I object eg "You're interrupting me" I always get "but I'm listening" or "I'm a woman I can do more than two things at once" however neither person can repeat what I just said leading me to conclude they are not actually listening. This leads to me reacting but not in an argumentive sense...what I do is stop talking immediately and walk away and bury my mind in my interests. Bascially as this problem has been ongoing for a long time I cant be bothered making it a dispute.

My point here is that when a problem like this initially arises it is natural to highlight the core of the issue eg Please, if you interupt me or get distracted it's like I'm talking to myself, cant you wait 15 seconds until my sentence is finished"? and an argument begins. At some point down the track you must accept that the trait/flaw cannot be overcome by the person and to prevent any personal damage to your relationship, you need to move on.

The intolerable trait might well do permanent damage. Eg My closeness to my relative and her mother is no longer there. I exchange niceties and listen to them when they address me but I know that if I participate in any meaningful discussion the above will occur...100% of the time.

It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over matters that you have no control over. But it would also be unwise to categorize all of their character based on one intolerable trait...these people you find hard to mix with are good people, so treat them with love and affection but have an exit strategy.

TonyWK

[CMF]

Hi Tony,

In my case definitely easily distracted and possibly familiarity. I do try to make a point of It at times.

[white knight]

Hi CMF,

Google

Beyondblue topic distraction and variety

Geoff,

I do agree, walk away if you are ignored.

Cheers

TonyWK

[CMF]

Hi Geoff,

If I'm at their house and it happens i get up and come home. It's funny, his sis bf is the only one who says ' oh you're going. No one else even bats an eyelid lol.

[MaybeNut]

Wow, TonyWK this particular issue really hits a sore spot with me.

I think I've actually become a bit hyper-sensitive to it and am acutely aware of the moment someone's attention goes elsewhere. I used to say something like, "You're not listening to me anymore are you?", but I'm so tired of it now that I'll often just stop talking mid-sentence abruptly. As soon as they stop listening, I'll just stop talking. So often then don't even notice. And I'm left to walk away thinking I have zero value at all. They didn't even care. So why bother even trying to talk to people? It's impacted my motivation to socialise and interact with people, I've withdrawn and live a very isolated life. I'm single, live alone, no kids, no family, barely socialise at all. I'm a 41 year old female that's given up on people. People are exhausting, I often feel like I don't have the energy to try and build friendships and relationships because of the negative effects on my self-esteem when I get "tuned out". All of my energy is used to interact for the purpose of my job and that leaves me spent.

I feel like it's gotten worse recently with smartphones, people's attention spans seem to be getting less and less.

The irony of this is that I know it's just a human thing, and I know that I myself been guilty of doing it to others. I like to think that I usually notice and acknowledge my mistake and apologise straight away and try to re-start the convo like "so you were saying your mum is going away..?". But I'm sure there have been times when I haven't. Doesn't change how bloody over-sensitive I am about it though.

Thanks for writing about this, it does help to know that others struggle with this the same way that I do.

[white knight]

Hi Maybenut

A great reply thankyou.

I understand your decision in withdrawing from people. However, in my 20's I did that a lot and with sheer determination decided it's better to re-evaluate my thoughts. I decided my filters needed a fine tune.

Please Google

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival

Also, it's true that 20% of the population is classed as "hyper sensitive". So try as you may your sensitivity isn't going to change.

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity a connection?

TonyWK

[Kant]

I agree, It's getting harder to communicate with people to keep them interested in what I'm saying. Also starting up a friendship feels like it's in the too hard basket now being older. Being rejected or being taken advantage of many times over the years has left it's scars. I know that there is nothing wrong with me personally, I'm a nice, kind, generous person but the majority of people have a me first, self-centered attitude. I use to always give 100% to past friendships. I realized my mistake was I didn't let them meet me half way. I was doing all the work. Friendship is 50 / 50. Unless a person wants to give and take, it will never work.

You are not alone in your thinking. Creative intellegent people are usually misunderstood or passed over. Don't worry about being overlooked. It doesn't mean your not worth it especially at work. It just means everyone else is selfish and probably really really insecure deep down.

[CMF]

Hi Tony & all,

I posted on this thread a year ago. Over this time I've had discussions with my partner re his sister & how she controls/takes over/crowds us. I have to say he had taken note & now when she tries to interrupt us he ignores her & focusses on what I'm saying to him. It's a positive start.

Hopefully she'll move out & on one day & someone else can 'tolerate ' her 😊

[white knight]

Hi CMF

Interruption is a pet hate of mine. It means the interrupter is more interested in what they want to say than listening to the talker.

Also, relatives even friends sharing a house rarely works. Years ago my sister, her hubby and two toddlers came to stay with us for a "short time" as their house was sold. She told me she would cook (rather than ask) and ran the show. We felt like boarders. The short stay was way too long.

TonyWK