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Told her i needed space, actually stuck to my guns this time.

Apollo86
Community Member

3rd time retyping this, i will try to keep it short.

I snapped last night and asked my gf to leave to her aunties as i needed space, felt i was drowning and her berating me that day over the phone was the last straw.

She has cheated on me while drunk and over medicating, attacked and tried to really hurt me while i was driving due to an alcohol induced psychosis episode, been to a psych ward for 3 days and lied to get out, had to be taken to hospital from taking too many bipolar meds - 24 hours of us sitting waiting to be admitted to a mental health ward- and 3 days after she still couldnt remember for more than 10 seconds.

So much heartbreak i have endured for this beautiful broken soul but the addict in her is a liar an manipulator. I am no saint but my mental health and self esteem has declined so much since the start of our realtionship, and even worse after she cheated. So much devistation seeing someone i love self destruct and i am helpless to do a thing to heal her or am not a good enough man to give her a reason not to.

I feel like have been walking through wet cement for 4 months and told i am being dramatic and over reacting as i try to say- i see you are over medicating please stop- 2 nights ago she was talking gibberish all night and i knew she was over medicating i was so scared i called her aunt and mum and said i dont know what to do its happening again. Next day she called to tell me im so dramatic and who cares if her memory is failing again (the first sign of relapse to me- red alert) and im a bitch for being dramatic.

Years of being put down and controlled through anger and threats and i still feel so horrible and scared for her out there without me, it took me this long to stand up for myself and say i matter too and so does my mental health. I feel so guilty and she was so angry and i dont know what to say to her i am the bad guy i betrayed you and i ruined your life and wasted 3 years of your life and gave you fake dreams is what she will say and im terrified she will hurt herself or me or try to ruin what little life i have left.

Thank you for reading this i could not write all of what happened in the past 3 years but i know i am not perfect i am flawed man and not that motivated in life i thought trying to be there for someone in need would give me purpose and redeem me for not being a good friend and family member to people, but it only got worse. Feeling lost and hopeless and stupid for typing all this. Sorry this is so long.

3 Replies 3

jess334
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Apollo,

I am so sorry no one has replied to your post yet. Welcome tot he forums. It can be hard to write down your feelings and admit that you need help, so well done.

It sounds like you have made a smart decision. Being in a relationship with an addict is possible, but when they are refusing help or making things worse for themselves it becomes almost impossible.

I ended up leaving a long term relationship because my partner was an alcoholic and refused to get help. My situation was a lot less stressful than yours - there was no hospitalization or abuse, but I do understand how helpless and guilty you feel.

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself? It might help to get another objective opinion that you can trust. For what it's worth, I don't think you should blame yourself because she isnt able to stay stable. It's impossible to make an addict get clean or make someone get help for their mental health - they will only get better once they decide to do so.

Kind thoughts, Jess

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Apollo

Hello and welcome. It's good that you are able to post in here and my apologies that you waited so long for an answer. Jess has made a good suggestion to manage your mental health. Sometimes we need to tell our story and be validated. I think you have been more than patient with your GF during the past few years.

It is hard to know someone who you care for and who uses and abuses you. We all have our reasons for leaving or staying with a partner. Jess has explained her reason and my reason is the bullying I endured along with emotional and physical violence. It's most definitely not nice.

The reality with some people is that they don't want to get well. While they can find someone to believe them, even if further down the track that person realises the truth, the game is still worthwhile playing. The really sad part is your GF can be charming and has all the attributes you have learned to love and has chosen to return to her default mechanism rather than make the effort to heal and live a good life with you. I am sorry you have experienced this and more so for any future GF who make longer to get to know you because of your potential suspicions.

I see a psychiatrist and I was telling her at my last appointment about a friend who is not interested in anyone else, although the pretence is there. Has had a rough couple of years but makes no effort to climb out and live a better life. I too find myself feeling guilty because I cannot give her the support I was giving when matters were bad.

My psych asked me what was my role in all this and of course I said it was to look after myself and my mental health. Correct answer. This applies to you as well. You must look after your health and if this is going well you can help someone else, but not at your expense. If the GF will see a mental professional that's great. I suspect she knows she is foolish with meds etc but cannot, for whatever reason, try to get on her feet. And you cannot continually pull her up. We can only make decisions for ourselves. Others must make their own decisions.

I would love to say don't be scared the GF will not harm herself. She may have a better sense of preservation but no matter what she chooses it is not in any way your fault. If someone wants to end their life all you can do is call 000. The experts can then take over.

I take it you have now separated. Try to not let the past impinge on the present. You have done the right thing. Post in as often as you wish.

Mary

Thank you both so much for replying it has been a difficult weekend.

Feeling very guilty at the moment she does see it as i kicked her out and abandoned her, says she did nothing wrong and refuses to aknowledge the terrible past few months i have been having. Its so hard to not take her back but i know in my heart when she says she wants support and to accept her for who she is it really means sit by and watch her decline into relapse if she feels she needs to.

Through my panic and worry i became controlling and harsh and i read a message she sent to someone labelling me as abusive and i fear she is right and i dont think i could stop demanding she follow the rules of rehab if i did take her back, which leaves her to her own devices now, which is agonising for me.

I know i am not responsible for her seeing as she is an adult but its just so heartbreaking seeing her vunerable. Thank you for listening.