FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

To keep trying to help or to move on?

Starry_Night
Community Member

Hi, I was in a relationship with someone and everything was going amazing. Then out of the blue, she asks for a break because she didn't feel like she was capable of being a good partner as she wasn't coping with other aspects of her life (family issues, about to have a break down, uncertainty about the future). I was completely blind-sided. I still offered support via texts once/twice a week for the first 3 weeks after the break. Her replies were always that she's so sorry, that her life has fallen off a cliff, that she's not coping with anything at the moment, etc. One message, I asked if I had done something to upset or annoy her and she said no. After my last text, over a week ago, saying I'm ready to lend her my ears whenever she needs, she ghosted me.

(1) Would you stay patient and keep offering help? Or would you take the ghosting as a sign she wants nothing more to do with you?

(2) We haven't officially broken up but is her lack of interest in communicating a message in itself and I should/can just move on with other people? Or is having a final conversation first the right thing to do?

8 Replies 8

Katyonthehamsterwheel
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there

Sorry you're in this situation. It sounds stressful and confusing. Good on you for being so supportive though. It's hard to know what's going on with someone when they're not willing or able to communicate.

I guess it's a matter of what you want to do, and what you feel is right here. I mean, the only thing she has stated is that she wants a break. The rest is undefinitive (is that a word? lol). If you want to be in a relationship with her then giving her time and space is appropriate. If you think you'd like to move on, then in my opinion the right thing to do is to have that conversation first.

Best, Katy

Hi there, I would give her space, and ask her to check in with you within the next month. Let her know if you don’t hear from her within this time period you will take it as she doesn’t want anything to do with you and you will move on. I’d suggest saying it in a diplomatic, and kind way so that she knows you care but you can’t continue to keep messaging her when you’re not getting anything back.

hope this helps!

good luck

Betternow
Community Member

Hello Starry Night

It takes two people to make a relationship work. From your post, it is obvious there is only one person in your situation making an effort. You.

Your predicament is common. Many people have difficulty ending a relationship honestly and clearly. I agree with Katy and Maricia. Don’t waste your time and energy. Let her know your there for her but if you don’t hear from her, you’ll accept that the relationship is over ( do it nicely). It hurts I know, but getting dragged along not knowing her true feelings is far worse.

Hi Katy, Marcia and Betternow,

Thank you so much to each of you for taking the time to read my post and to respond. I appreciate your insight and advice. Marcia and Betternow, I like the approach you've suggested and will move forward with that.

Starrynight

Thanks so much for writing your thread and reaching out. Also thanks for getting back and giving feedback.

I hope you are looking after yourself. It sounds like your friend is very confused at the moment.

Quirky

MsRufus
Community Member

Hi Starry Night!

I can relate to your post!

My partner recently split up with me and gave me similar reasons "he can't be what I need him to be as he is going through too much".

Although I am still hurting and want to be there for him, I have come to the realisation that I cannot force him to let me in.

So I am trying to give him some space and if he wants support he can reach out!

Its a tricky one if you haven't had a break up talk,

I think it depends on a few things, one being how long you were together?

How long has it been since she asked for the break?

Are you hoping to get back together?

Ending things completely is of course the right thing to do but it sounds like she is not making this easy for you! Or she may be avoiding/ or not emotionally capable of having that conversation.

But from what you have written it does sound like it is 'over'.

Go with your gut,

if you don't think it will work out

or if you are hoping it will.

I appreciate how lonely and hard your situation is and I am still figuring mine out.

I have been rekindling friendships that were neglected during my relationship and this has been really good to keep my head up!

Good luck !

Quirky, I appreciate the time people have spent answering me. This is a great forum and has made a difficult time a little easier.

MsRufus, we were together for only a short time (<3 months) and the break has now been 4 weeks. I am (usually) a logical person and reading those numbers, logic clearly states it's 100% over. But humans aren't always logical. My head says one thing yet my heart still hopes for another.

In saying that, it has gotten a bit easier to listen to logic during the last week as I have rekindled friendships that were neglected (as you are doing) and going to events talking to other women. I'm at the point where I don't really mind if it doesn't work out and I'm ready to move on. I'm still planning on going with the advice given earlier, more so that I don't have regrets.

Do you mind sharing how long you were together and how long you've waited? I know exactly how confused you feel. It's funny actually, how clear things are from the outside. Thinking about your situation (which is really the same as mine), I would say your partner doesn't deserve someone as patient and understanding as you. Their loss really! I hope you are able to figure out your situation too.

Hi again! Sorry for the delayed response!

I am glad you are feeling a bit less down and rekindling some friendships !

Yes it’s definitely a hard one, but I think you will know when it’s ok to move on.

I was with my partner for 6yrs, it’s been about 6 months. I have not been “waiting” per say but more hoping things might work out. But the longer it goes on the more I doubt it can be fixed.

I hope you are still doing well !