Tired, worn out, sick of being expected to do everything and not being respected.

[CMF]

Well not a good day for me. I am so down and out and sick of everything. My 2 older kids went interstate with their dad (my ex husband) last week for a few days as his new GF lives there. My eldest daughter cam home sick, coughing, sneezing etc. She has ben sick for a week and still not better. My little one is now also coughing and sneezy. My ex husband has gone back interstate of course as he is renting an apartment there and goes back and forth every week. It frustrates me that his life just goes on like one big holiday while I am stuck looking after sick kids. He is a selfish liar, doesn't think he should have to do anything. Does not think about anyone but himself and putting on a show to impress people. He works for himself, always used the excuse of work to get out of things but clearly its just another lie as he can work from interstate while he visits his GF without any problem. I am so tired, not much sleep as the girls are coughing at night. My little ones dad does all his things first and I feel worries about us last and i'm so sick of it. I feel they both just expect me to deal with everything, making excuses to get out of any responsibility. I don't ask much of anyone but when I do I always have to be let down. Selfish, selfish, selfish liars. Am I that worthless to everyone? I mean seriously do they really expect me to just do everything? I feel like telling them both to go to hell and packing up and moving. It is so cold today. I cant take much more of everyone being sick and the cold weather.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi cmf,

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Thanks for pointing me here from your other thread too. I didn't know you had this one. I didn't know that you had to deal with him yelling at you too.

We talked recently about your loneliness and need to be able to make other connections.

Have you considered formalising the visitations of him to his daughter? I know he helps you out at times and cooks occassionally but it seems to be that he makes you feel less worthy a lot. This can be for choosing something that he disagrees with (the phone) or as you mentioned, his parenting versus yours.

What if he had regular visitations at regular times? Do you need to be there? Could you drop her off and have a break? What if he had her every second weekend, dropped off Fri night and returned Sun night? This would let you do markets every second week.

Formal visits means you can begin to distance yourself more. Build self-confidence in your choices and your parenting, stop him acting like he has control over your life.

Things would be different if you were aiming for a relationship reconciliation with him but you're not. You can formalise the arrangement and take control if you want. You don't even have to be there when he sees her.

You are an intelligent, creative woman making the best decisions you can for your children. Keep that faith in yourself. As for the sign, I am not religious but I believe very strongly that we have someone looking after us and guiding us through life, in good and bad times. Perhaps you can ask yourself what would your Dad want for you? Would he be happy with you putting up with this treatment?

I think you deserve better lovely. While your daughter needs access to her Dad. He needs to realise that you control yourself, you can set the rules and limitations. Perhaps you can write down how you want the visits to work and the rules (e.g. no yelling at you or her)

All just suggestions. They may come across strong, it's because I am quite passionate about how I am treated having been in situations of verbal abuse before.

You're a really nice person who deserves to be treated with respect by your daughter's father.

Carol xx

[CMF]

Hi carol,

He works Saturdays, lives with his parents and has no car. The thought of leaving her with him for the weekend makes me sick. He argue with his mum. at lunch yesterday he mentioned again to his sister that he wanted to move out by xmas. it's the same story every year. He did say he was sick of going home and arguing all the time with his parents. I do feel for him here, his mum is full on. His mum always wants to give the little one chips and biscuits which we don't want her to have so it would be a battlefield.

The day was going ok yesterday, I was crying on our way out and he was understanding but on the way home he just lost it. I don't know how he cannot see that the car accident would have been his fault. He had a give way sign. Hi argument was that the other car was on his side of the street but it is a narrow street with parked cars so it had no choice. Even if the car stopped to let us turn we would have had to turn quite sharply to fit the turn in. You cannot fit cars going both ways where there are parked cars. The other car was going straight, we had give way. He did not even consider a car coming from the other direction. He has done this before and almost hit another car. He apologises to the other driver so he knows he is at fault but when I actually said it to him as I was quite shaken up he blew up at me, said I must be on drugs. If we did hit I would have been with no car, 3 kids to drop off and pick up from school. This as of no importance to him as it doesn't affect him. I mentioned that I would have to pay the other guys repairs and he said don't worry your insurance would pay for it. So he knows he was at fault. I would have had to pay the excess on my insurance too. My car is already smashed a little on the side because he hit a pole and I have been waiting almost a year now for him to get it fixed as I am not paying for it. He wont pay the excess wants to find the part and get someone to fit it. My hands are tied as I have to wait for him. I don't even feel safe him driving with the little one in the car. He looks up things on his phone while he is driving, doesn't watch the road properly, its scary. He almost hit a guy crossing the road once as we turned right. yes the guys crossed in a bad spot but as a driver you need to be looking at what's around you. Another time he collected a guy on a skateboard as he pulled onto a car space.

He is just irresponsible and careless, how can I trust him with my child.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey CMF,

It does sound like you've got your hands pretty full. Though I don't have kids, and thankfully no contact with any exes to speak of, I do know very well what it's like to be undervalued and treated like absolutely everything is my responsibility. It's crap, and unfortunately, when you're the sort of person who is strong and just gets on with what needs doing, you can attract weak people who just opt out and keep expecting you to do it all. Sounds like recognising the warning signs of that sort of person is what you need to look out for in future relationships (any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones).

I agree with Carol that formalising visitation is probably the way to go. Whether or not you have to be there, setting specific times and rules would be worth doing, from the sounds of it. Maybe even with a mediator if you're feeling like you can't trust him with her (i.e. when driving, for picking her up on time, for exposing her to a verbally abusive environment with his mother). I don't think you're over-reacting on that stuff, it's not on and neither you nor your daughter should be putting up with it. And maybe keep him out of the driver's seat of your car, I wouldn't let him anywhere near it after the bingle with the pole and not getting it fixed. All well and good for him, it's not his property. Not okay at all.

Take care of yourself, CMF, and don't let this guy bully you, or the other one walk all over you. You deserve better, and so do your kids.

Blue.

[CMF]

Thx Blue,

having a better day. Was a depressed this morning but the fog lifted and my mind cleared which was a welcome break and relief.

I hope it lasts a while.

being angry is a waste of energy and it means he wins. It's so frustrating because Friday night we went out for dinner, it went well and he put petrol in the car for me. I can't remember what happened but when I dropped I'm off he just got out and left without a goodbye. Every time we do something it ends in a disagreement, even if the outing had been good. I don't get it.

oh well. I'm grateful for feeling a bit better. I have no idea what happened to me. My head was in a fog, I couldn't focus my eyes, I was depressed and crying. It was strange.

hope you are well Blue. I like the banter between yourself and Paul. It's entertaining.

cmf

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Cmf,

It does sound scary and you are right for not leaving her. Blue had a good suggestion with formalising the times and having supervised visits.

Making sure you don't let him drive your car should stop you feeling scared and endangering yourself and your daughter.

I know he does things to help out, as you mentioned he paid for petrol so I assume there is some financial help too at times. Perhaps you should write a list of all the positives and negatives of the current arrangement. If the negatives are not acceptable consider changing the situation and consider Blue's suggestions.

I hope you are still feeling a bit better.

[Touille]

Hey CMF,

I hope you are ok, I agree with things said by others on here.

Your ex seems to act in a radical manner, he doesn't think, you need to protect the daughter of yours and avoid letting him drive your car. Cars can be costly to fix and maintain.

Your stress needs to be minimized, not maximized, you need to stay away from disruptive people as much as you can, otherwise you will have a very messed up daughter.

I stepfather was crazy like your ex, so I know what selfish people can be like.

Anyway, I hope you can sort the matter out and be in full control, you don't want to have a nervous breakdown, your children need their mother.

Anyway, I better try and sleep.

Goodnight

Hugs

Touille​

[CMF]

Thanks Touille x

[CMF]

Well I'm feeling a little flat today. I had a great 3 or 4 days where I felt on top of the world. Got out into to the garden, caught up on housework. I haven't heard from him for a week, since the last blow up. That's ok, I'm used to it but as usual after a week or so I start to feel sad about everything. I think about the good times and the bad, I wish I had realised(or accepted) earlier that things were not normal with him, well, not my kind if normal. I guess its easier to see things in hindsight. I should be booking another market this weekend but not sure if I want to as it means I need to contact him as he will have to look after little miss and the last 2 I did he picked me up 1 hour late. It just ruins the experience for me. I'm tired by the end of the market and to sit and wait an hour because he couldn't give a shit about making people wait makes me so angry. Of course he manipulates everything to make me look like the one at fault. He is extremely good at twisting things in his favour. I need to do 1 more market before November or I cannot book November/December. That is their criteria.

I know a lot of the problem is that I cannot forgive the past. I will NEVER forgive him for all he put me through. I still question who he is and what sort of person he is. I cannot comprehend the things he finds acceptable or funny. It is just not normal. He obviously can't stand me either, the way he treats me at times. At least I can admit I can't stand him. He denies it and says he has no bad thoughts or feelings. Always trying to look like the good guy. I think he can't stand that he know I'm on to him. I know how he ticks and how he manipulates things. He gets his back up when he realises this and twists it so he is the victim. I'm wide awake to that now.

Oh, I'm overthinking again. I was worried this morning my anxiety was on its way back, but it could be hormonal. I am trying to focus on how good I felt the last few days, where I could handle everything and I was able to think clearly. I need to remember this because today little things are upsetting me again. I also did not sleep well so I guess that doesn't help.

I'm all over the place today. I hope it goes away soon.

cmf

[Touille]

Hi Cmf,

I'm sorry you are not feeling well today, it's good that you have had some good days.

Your ex seems like he doesn't have a conscience, some people don't, they just use others and than move on to the next person. By what I read on your posts, this guy really humiliated you during your pregnancy and even now. It's wise you have limited contact with him.

Do you have a good friend or relative who good mind your child while you go to the market?

Unfortunately, when we experience traumatic events in our life, our bodies really suffer mentally.

Have you considered taking your little child to the park or coffee shop you like to be outside?

We all have to try and focus on positive things, try listening to music you like, it can increase the mood.

I know what you say about sleeping, I haven't slept properly for months due to bad anxiety, so I finally decided to see a doctor.

I hope you feel better soon, your ex isn't worth thinking about, try and not let him dominate your thoughts.

Take Care

Touille

[CMF]

Hey Touille,

You're right. I need to focus my thoughts on positive things. I need to be at the market by 7.30am so its hard to expect someone else to look after her. I do see it as an opportunity for him to have time with her but I'm stubborn and don't want to contact him. I'll see how i feel next few days. Obviously he doesn't care.

My little one and I go to our local coffee shop every day. If the weathers good she takes her bike and I walk very briskly to keep up with her lol. Sometimes we go to a park afterward then head home which we did today. I do feel better when we do that.

I managed to get some food shopping done and tidy the house today too so it's all good.

cmf