Tired of caring anymore

Speckonaclover · ‎28-03-2018

I'm finding it hard to express what's going on in my head, I know what's there, but actually communicating it is a sense of failure, that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a father to 2 kids and husband to my wife. I don't feel I fit into my family anymore. To cut it short, I'm tired of caring. More and more days go by where I have more internal rage, and more thoughts of "I just don't give a F anymore". And I never thought I'd be experiencing days of loneliness or coming home to a family that just expects me to do stuff. I feel like I'm on a road to an eventual end, that will end much sooner than it should, and frankly I don't care. I feel so lost

MsPurple · ‎28-03-2018

hi Speckonaclover and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you are a bit frustrated and tired. I know a lot of people who struggle to express themselves can get angry and a bit short with those around them because they can't fully understand you. Well I have had experience with that as my housemate struggled with anger due to not being able to express what he was feeling. He decided to talk to his gp about his feelings, about his anger and stress. He then went to see a psychologist. There he talked out all his feelings and was taught how to express himself so others could understand. Now may sound a bit weird me talking about my housemate, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone with these feelings. I suggest you talk to your gp and maybe consider seeing a psychologist or counselor and discuss how you have been feeling. I also know when I am struggling with my mental health I just can't be bothered ding anything. I don't have a drive and just want to be alone. I have found with therapy I am able to communicate better and I feel better in myself. I feel like I can hang with friends and family without getting short with them,

Hope this lets you feel less alone.

smallwolf · ‎29-03-2018

Welcome. Such a sad story.

I also have a wife and 2 kids. For a long time I felt similar to you. Over the years what I felt became less and less until I broke down. I would internalize my anger and frustration, not good. A visit to the GP and now regular visits to the psych things are slowly improving. That is the short version.

There are lots of things that I don't know about your situation. Like... When did it start? Do you feel empty? Do you feel frustrated? How is your work?

Everyone's battle with a mental illness is different. And no two are alike, and at the same time some parts will overlap.

I agree with mspurple suggestions about checking in with a GP. It will help give you some clarity as to how you feel. Our health and relationships are the most important things we have. Also, does your wife know how you feel? If not, are you able to discuss how you feel with her. Communication is important. Maybe if she needs what you are going through, she might also be able to help you. Maybe find things to do together?

Hope you have some success in resolving the problems you mentioned.

Speckonaclover · ‎21-12-2021

Almost 3 years ago, not much has changed. Tried the GP, that felt impersonal, tried meds but stopped coz it didn't feel right, tried talking with a professional, really didn't help. I think I'm done with talking, it never works. Angry, tired, unappreciated, disappointed, ashamed, unhappy, lost, alone, and I think there's nothing more to say. I feel so done with everything. I just had to get that off my chest and dump it to the ether. Nothing more to say, I need to go

Sophie_M · ‎21-12-2021

Hi Speckonaclover. We're so sorry to hear how hopeless and alone you feel right now. We understand that feeling unsupported during difficult times like these can be quite painful. Sometimes the process of finding what works for you can be frustrating, but we would encourage you to keep trying to find the right treatment and support.

We can hear that you're feeling really low at the moment. You mentioned that you're not sure what you more you could say but if you did want to speak with someone about how you're feeling, please know that counsellors are always available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include:

Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am)
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467

And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero). Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. Pease know that we are all here to support you.

WaterFront · ‎21-12-2021

Hi Speckonaclover,

I'm sorry you have been feeling this way and for a long time too. That's a tough thing to be going through.

This is a safe place to discuss these feelings and maybe if you want to, and feel able, you could try to communicate here the things that you think might be making you feel this way and that you have struggled to talk about with others.

Just writing things down can sometimes help and there are lots of good listeners on BB who might be able to offer advice and insights and relate their own experiences which might help.

I hope you come back and talk to us some more.

WF

Speckonaclover · ‎25-12-2021

I'll just make this plain & simpe, I keep having more occuring thoughts to end my life. I am more and more losing the will to live. There is nothing that makes me happy or excites me anymore, everything has become a chore. I started to feel better a day ago, but tonight on Christmas Eve my 13 yr old daughter just ticked me off. I was quietly sitting on the couch watching something on youtube (11pm), it wasn't too loud, yet she came in and asked me to turn it down because it was too loud. I told her it wasn't loud and she should just close the door between the living room (where I was) and the hallway where the bedroom are. She didn't like that, so she slammed the door on me. My other daughter then comes rushing in to where I am still sitting on the couch and proceeds to ask me why I slammed the door. I said go speak to your sister. I have little respect. I'm a father of 2 girls (13 & 18) and I'm always being told of things I'm not doing right. Some of it is correct, like I yell and I have a short temper, but what always gets dismissed is the things that tick me off, the things they all do, that they keep on doing, that never changes, that just tick me off. So when some small happens, like some backchat, I tend to go from 0 to 100 in a heartbeat, coz I no longer have any patience.

It's Christmas Eve, everyone has gone to bed, and tonight I'm back thinking of calling it all quits. My work has been an immense pressure lately, and while it's been full on, it's about the only thing I am clinging to. I am in a well paid but very stressful job, but it's not the main reason I feel the way I feel. My home life is the majority of why I feel so worthless. I'm the guy that brings in most of the money into this household, and I'm treated less than I should be.

Speckonaclover · ‎25-12-2021

I couldn't post everything in the one post, so I might repeat myself:

It's Christmas Eve, everyone has gone to bed, and tonight I'm back thinking of calling it all quits. My work has been an immense pressure lately, and while it's been full on, it's about the only thing I am clinging to. I am in a well paid but very stressful job, but it's not the main reason I feel the way I feel. My home life is the majority of why I feel so worthless. I'm the guy that brings in most of the money into this household, and I'm treated less than I should be.

Speckonaclover · ‎25-12-2021

As a father, as a parent, I feel like I have failed. Why do my girls, and my wife, just blame me for everything. I know I have a short wick, but I don't believe they have any empathy. They never see things from me side. I am bit by bit, feeling like I no longer belong in thid household. I no longer feel like I will grow old, that I will just one day say enough is enough, and I'll just close out my life on my own terms. I'm at a point where I really no longer care. However there are people in my extended family and friends that have stopped me from doing anything drastic, like my parents, my 13 year old nephew who has big anxiety issues and at a young age wanted to kill himself, and another more recent friend who some 15 odd years ago lost his Dad to suicide. They are the only ones that have had me rethink suicide, because I don't want to hurt them. But as for my immediate family, my wife and two daughters, I don't think they really would miss me, they'd get over it, and they'd end up with a big insurance payout and my super, and they can spend it however they want, whatever makes them happy. I just don't care.
I have a close friend in Victoria, we catch up almost daily, either over zoom with a few beers, or we just exchange messages. I know I would hurt him, and he's the only one I've partially explained how I'm feeling.

Speckonaclover · ‎25-12-2021

The more I try to not let sh!t tick me off, the more it makes it feels obsolete and redundant in this household. I don't know if you or anyone else can relate to that. I just don't feel valued here. So many other families I see (friends on Facebook) that have families where there kids & family seem much happier than mine. I place blame on myself, I must have done something wrong at some point.
So I am safe tonight, I'm not about to do anything drastic, but internally I'm feeling more and more like this can't continue. Thoughts that run through my head; start planning my exit strategy, getting my finances and affairs in order, removing myself from social interactions, stop communication on social media, pretend to everyone that I'm ok but meanwhile I'm planning an exit. I never thought I would ever think like this, but this is where I'm at.

Thank you for your messages and concerns