They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[Guest909]

When it comes to intelligence, we each have our strengths and weaknesses. I think the "awareness" you are talking about is part of "intrapersonal intelligence (7)" - one of the eight forms of intelligence. Some have it, some don't; that's just a part of the tapestry of life.

Known a few people like your ex , might even be considered a bit slower than some but those considering that are usually too lacking to see that between the lines she's actually smarter than most in many any real sense.

You are 100% correct, in her area of expertise, she is extremely smart. Much smarter than me, that is for sure.

l also notice many so called intelligent people pick up on really silly totally irrelevant things but totally miss the real stuff.

I guess that is because we all have our strengths and weaknesses. We all have a different idea, or perception of what the "real stuff" is. One man's trash, is another man's treasure. The real stuff will depend on each person's point of view.

Little in this world is black and white; just shades of grey. That what makes it interesting, frustrating and unpredictable.

Paul

[Guest_1584]

lt's always gob smacking how so many counselors will literally need the writing all over the wall in big block letters before they grasp even part of what your saying.

l obviously expect too much but someone in those fields should if anything have a natural and way above typical awareness and perception .

[Guest_1643]

some counsellors i feel just don't have the personality for it

studying and practise are so different

how can u be a therapist/support without empathy?

And yet i've had a doctor who had no empathy. Also so petty lol

When I said that I was thinking I benefit more from being out in nature, walking, then sitting in the stuffy office talking abot my problems, he had a hissy fit and said then why don't i just leave right now and go for a walk instead of wasting his time.
lol.

Ego.

Empathy for a vulnerable person is crucial.

[Guest_1584]

lt's funny , and irritating , in sales. l'm not a salesman but unfortunately it is a small part of my job though none the less , the part l really don't like either , nother story.

But 9.9% of the time you know who's gonna buy who's gonna be impossible who's gonna waste a lot of your time on petty bs , you know what they're gonna say n ask , you know what they're buying style if they are a buyer and bargaining will be. But in most cases in my business you still have to go through the motions , because every now and then one of those will turn around and actually buy, in the end. So you have to bother with their emails and texts and repeated questions with spelt out answers 10x and deal with all their caution and worries. You know the ones that will text you 5 or 10 times later while finally on their way out here to look at the job and the ones that will just be bang , they're here , and you'll be doing the deal.

You feel like saying to the others look l know what you'll ask how much of my time you'll waste and that you probably won't even come out anyway let alone buy after messing me around for a wk and you''ll just worry yourself out of the deal . Had exactly one of those just tonight actually.

You'll see the look in the odd RE agent or car salesmen now and then , and they'll be right , l will only be tyre or brick kickin at the time. But every now and then you'll meet one that picks it in the first second , the rest will waste their time trying to sell you something.

Funny old world the world of people isn't it. Thank the Gods though l only sell 5 or 6 times a yr now these days.

rx

[white knight]

Imo counsellors and many other profesdions, you only attend to receive the knowledge they have learned through the education they obtained to get them there. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

I had a GP in 1984 that fancied himself for his therapeutic abilities. He was robotic, cold and had zero people skills.. his only benefit to me was what he learned in uni.

An occupational therapist in 1987 changed the way I thought. My behaviour was extreme in some areas- he tamed that. He had the character and fortitude to correct, guide, care and nurture me until we parted 12 months later. Such people I remember their names other are just figurehead that skills don't cut the mustard.

Hence I promote changing therapists whenever you want.

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Ahh sleepy , it also may not have been a real choice moment to admit that one either especially with him , but the end result would've been the same anyway l guess.

When l was going through divorce most doctors were useless unless l was physically sick. when people suggest talk to your gp it really depends on how good the gp actually is and a special one will take some digging to find. l really don't think most of them wanna get into the other side of things just wanna throw you a script and get you out there for the next one.

Your exactly right , unfortunately yeah anyone can do the courses but a very rare few actually have any heart for it , feel , or natural ability .

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , it's pretty sad tony when they just repeat their books and line parrot fashion l feel like sayin can't we skip the bs you gonna actually help me out here or what.

Speaking of empathy though l do try to be a little grateful even if l'm thinking how useless they were as l'm already presaying in my head what they're gonna be saying next. But bc really , what a hard job , don't you think ? lt's draining and hard enough helping one person you care for , but imagine having to listen to it and trying to help all day long with dozens of total strangers .

l also found one like him Tony , an older German man. The most gifted counselor l've ever come across in my life . Unfortunately we only managed two sessions and he was transferred, l'll never forget our talks though.

rx

[Guest_1584]

PS.

For what it's worth too, sorry btw way if l've sounded as if l think all highly educated people are this or that bc no not at all, l've really admired and liked for all kinds of reasons some that l've met . But all l was getting at is that l've also just noticed too that with others, it dosn't always mean that much in some.

rx

[Guest_1643]

hi Tony

i've seen robotic therapists as well

I agree ppl should change therapists whenever you want... and not feel bad.
I thin we should hold standards for them.... and if they breach a boundary or fail in a standard - routinely or repeatedly - ask if they are the right fit.

[Guest_1643]

Hi rx you make a good point

it's good to respect education but not worship it - and to look at what someone does more beyond the degrees behind them. Also... intuition. I think to be a caring health professional there must be some human touch and uderstanding - maybe like that lovely older therapist you had.
The best ones I think you could also imagine having a conversation with -

like i picture these robotic style therapists etc in any other situation other than a therapy room and i cannot imagine them even functioning. Some were very severe, impersonal. No human reactions. No laughter. No smiling.
I also saw a therapist/social worker once who used to sometimes tell me about himself, but in a therapuetic way. He told me how he'd hurt his back and had regret and irritation about that his whole life. He talked about not liking it, but having to accept it. It was a powerful message for me. I didn't feel it was inappropriate sharing, it had a therapeutic benefit.
Then there was one who literally told me her whole dating history.
No therapeutic benefit, and also, bit weird