They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy and Em

I used to drive 100,000km a year in a car. Occasionally I’d get pinned for speeding no matter how hard I tried not to speed. Then I changed my approach. If I accepted that I would get one fine a year regardless of my effort I’d be better off. So I allowed for that and sure enough if a fine from a camera was in the letter box it didn’t upset me. A bonus good feeling was going 12 months without a fine.

So Sleepy, in terms of your over sized purchase we all make mistakes. It will be hard for you to develop the acceptance level required that would see you say 1/cry for 30 minutes only then 2/ advertise the product for sale and 3/ decide not to purchase from a non returnable seller for expensive items. Those strategies will lead to moving on from the mistake.

Some say cognitive therapy is useful. For me it wasn’t however where it benefits people like yourself is to develop the areas of your emotional side that didn’t mature when younger. For 40 years I played catch up eg at 17yo I joined the RAAF but emotionally s 12yo. At 31yo I joined Pentridge jail as a warden but emotionally a 16yo. But when I reached 50yo I was as a 50yo.

I also, apart from bipolar have dysthymia. A constant low depression remedied by a small amount of anti depressants. The main symptom is over crying. Use search for

dysthymia

I hope that helps. I’m enjoying this conversation.

TonyWK

[broken568]

Hi TonyWK,

I’ve just been reading thru this thread and your last post spoke to me. I just wanted to say thanks.

[white knight]

Thanks Broken 568

much appreciated.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy21

I hear you. Tonight I've felt low and when that happens some of my past failures come up to make me feel worse - tonight I also know what to do to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I want to shake my brain and say "Why are you SO cruel to yourself?" lol.

I would NEVER be as cruel to someone else as I am to myself, WHY even go there?
I know it's trauma and I know its MH issues.

It's really time we both forgave ourselves for what? IDK maybe having ridiculously high standards on OURSELVES. If you were my IRL friend and you told me about ordering too big online stuff I would hug you and say IT'S OKAY! Online ordering wrong stuff is a shared human experience - remember? I watched installation men put 3 appliances into my kitchen yesterday and just kept saying "I hope they fit, I hope they fit" lol. They just about did. Almost.

eff word what our parents would say. People who've hurt us don't get to judge us AFTER we left them or are NC etc. Nope. No way. Delete - replace.

No one's capable 100% of the time and no one functions 100% of the time - that would be INHUMAN or unhuman lol IDK you get it. Sh** happens.

It's what we DO with it that counts. Turn it into fertilizer is what I've tried to do.

You're great Sleepy21. You're super intelligent, thoughtful and articulate. You've been at the lowest point and you're reaching upwards always. You are HEALING.

When we're super stressed we find it so hard to compartmentalize our minds. So when our brothers drop in to see us (and even that is a BIGGIE for me atm) then they WANT to have a relationship with us.
That's love.

One of my adult children decided to say "How's your life going?" EVERY time anyone calls her. Because she found her life was so wrought with issues that she would bombard them immediately. SO even when someone texts or calls asking how I am now, I do the same. ASK how THEY are first and insist upon it.

I had virtually no one left. I felt far too anxious to reach out. I didn't want to be scolded or rejected.

I made a conscious effort to call one long lost friend per week whilst I've been on leave and started the conversation like above. Every person has been so grateful I contacted them, I was SO grateful they were the lovely people I knew them as. No rejection. Some even say "I love you" at the end of the call now too.
That's love.

Love EM

[broken568]

Dear Ecomama,

you’re so right... we can’t be 100% all the time. I just wish I could be 100% come of the time, or even 75% occasionally...

[ecomama]

Hi TonyWK

I love hearing your perspective on things and your journey and your remedies! lol. Thankyou for having such generosity of heart and time. Your posts and discussion really help me.

I think when we've been raised by others, and maybe married some too WHOM have relentlessly high standards then we can put that on ourselves. Btw the bolded print is a characteristic of narcissism.
So a lot of our suffering can be in the wake of narcissistic abuse.

YOU know from an ex wife, Sleepy knows and I know.

The comments "I'll never be (insert stupidly high standard) enough" and "I'm a failure" derive from all that easily if left without check.
I've thought the first a lot but seldom the latter. I replaced the latter with "I've married some a** holes lol!"

In reference to the friendship / relationship stuff; I think when we have a crisis of whatever kind, it is then that we find out who our REAL friends are. I call this my "Bushfire analogy". Sure there was a bushfire and sometimes a hell of a lot of beautiful things (or what we THOUGHT were beautiful) are gone, but ALWAYS all the dead wood gets burnt. Same with friendships after a crisis.

Lord sometimes the landscape looks like this unearthly wasteland. Like our lives.

But THEN with the rain comes regrowth. We see GREEN starting to come and we can rejoice that not EVERYTHING was killed. The strongest and healthiest trees survived. Little shoots of green. These strong trees beginning to show life again are JUST like the relationships we thought had died.

Some needed to.

Others hung in there with us, even if we didn't know it, and are there on the other side. THESE are the strong ones.

There's a saying that comes to mind... "Those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind".
I also like... "Those who love me know me and those who don't, who cares".
My grandfather's favourite… "Here's to those that wish me well and those who don't can go to hell"
Lol he had lots of friends too lol.

Love EM

[broken568]

“Those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind" - the wonderful and wise Dr Seuss

[Guest_1643]

Hi Broken568 🙂
Tony thank you for sharing your story regarding the parking tickets, it's still making me smile 🙂
It's very true. We all make mistakes, it's part of life. That voice hitting and harming us internally for doing so... as EM said --- unrelenting standards. I've actually heard of that twice this year, I think it's a schema therapy concept, associating happiness with performance. Gosh I do have that voice inside me that equates working hard and being outwardly perfect as being successful.
I made a mistake with the furniture and then I learnt from it and continued to live my life... Most things can be fixed and changed.
Tony I like the way you can be honest about yourself and can see how far you've come. It's a sign of beautiful healing.
Thanks Em for wrapping me up wtih warmth with your empathetic reply. 🙂

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

Re: "Tony thank you for sharing your story regarding the parking tickets, it's still making me smile:"

Its a way if being gentle with ourselves- realistic expectations
TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21

I'm always here for a big looooong, long, no longer than that..... HUG.
And I'll let go last lol.

Unrelenting high standards are a rat to get rid of.
Moving on from this is a very hard trek.

Finding ourselves, our own selves, is the most beautiful place to be in.

You've helped me alot to do this, this year Sleepy21, thankyou.

Love EM