The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

[Boo1986]

Hi everyone, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, I take my medication and see my psychologist at least once a month. I try to eat right and exercise, and catch up with friends whenever I have the energy. I have my beautiful rescue dog to keep me company and encourage me to keep active. I really try to battle against this problem, but it seems the harder I try, the more it ends up hurting.

I recently put myself out there on a dating website and got to know some wonderful people. There was one I was particularly interested in and we started dating. Everything was going so well and I felt so happy for once. Yesterday he broke up with me. I am shattered. It took so much courage for me to sign up for online dating and to let him in.

I guess I just want to hear from others that there is hope, that love exists. I would really love to hear from people that have had positive experiences and can help me fight my demons. The depression tells me to give up, that it's not worth it, that it's better just to be alone than risk getting hurt. Usually I can try to control my thoughts and not let the depression take hold but I am really struggling right now. I'd really love some positive words to try to push back all the negatives in my mind. I just can't see the positives right now. Any help would really be appreciated.

[Boo1986]

Hi Kazz,

Just wondering how your daughter is going, hoping there has been a little improvement

xo

[Kazzaroo]

Hi Boo thanx for caring xx

It hasnt been quite 8 weeks yet..we still have tears here and there but no meltdowns like at the beginning. I think the hardest thing for my daughter is he never really sat her down and told her what the issue was. To be honest the way he broke it off was saying I was going to ask you to move in but thought we would bicker too much (even tho they never had a fight in 2 years)..so he never really said it was over but he had rang his mum and said I have just broken off with my g/f and it was his mum that really told my daughter. Because everything seemed so perfect in my daughters eyes her head just spins with questions....she STILL keeps in contact with him via text and sees him at our sport club ive told her not to text him but she wont listen. She said this morning its been 3 days since I text him and it feels like a life time then she broke down crying again saying I love him and miss him so much!! She messaged him about catching up and said if you dont want to see me just tell me!! and he said I want to catch up but I want you to understand when Im nice to you it doesnt mean anything will come from it...Ive made my decision and Im not going back on it I just want to be friends. She did ask a couple of days ago what was wrong with "us" and he said we have different personalities. Now shes questioning to me whats wrong with my personality?? and now shes wondering if its what she looks like? but she forgets that he said NO its nothing to do with what she looks like. She is stunning. She went on that Tinder last night just to see what it was about..and guys were messaging her WOW what are you doing on here you are gorgeous? and she said just looking how it works and said she had come out of a relationship and they all said WOW its his loss thats for sure!!! as I said to her you dont have to go date these guys but it could be nice to chat to them just as a friend for now...(and Im hoping it will build her confidence up because she IS a very attractive girl just has low self esteem)... she asked him are you seeing anyone? or looking for anyone? he said no not at all..Im just doing my own thing (whether he is telling the truth who knows) but I spose he could have said mind your own business! One thing that plays on my mind right at the beginning is he said one day you will thank me for this (breaking it off) what do you think that could mean Boo? How are you going hunni? Whats your latest adventures in love xx Kazz xx

[Just Sara]

Hi again Kazz; you too Boo;

I've been out of sorts and haven't kept myself in the loop so to speak. Sorry.

Reading your last post tells me your daughter is going thru text book break up stuff. The cruel reality is, until she meets another man to fill that gap of self doubt and loss, questions will continue to rule her life. (And his it seems)

Learning to be an empowered woman is our lesson in growth when it comes to men. Being 'needy', can be the biggest turn-off to a man. Good men love secure confident women who challenge them. They love the 'chase' and competition of looking for the right woman. 'Easy' isn't always 'right' where love is concerned.

Your description of your daughter's 'giving' with housework and the like, sounds like mothering. Men who want this, don't want independent girls/women, they thrive on this smothering to their own detriment and may end up losing their individuality and self. It's also an avenue to abuse.

What do they say? The best revenge is success. Not that revenge has a place here, but being at our best is the most attractive quality in everyone. Why else would Steven Hawkins have found two beautiful supportive women in his lifetime?

Yes, beauty attracts, but our minds take it from there. An elderly couple will support this theory wholeheartedly. Is your daughter working or studying? Is there room for an exciting challenge in her life? Something to direct her back to herself?

I also feel for you; watching your child in so much pain and confusion unable to 'fix' or 'save' her from herself.

Keep in touch to let us know how things are traveling.

Kind thoughts...

Sara (Hope I haven't come across as too lecturing. I mean well)

[Kazzaroo]

Hi Sara xx Thanks for responding and nooooooo you didnt come across too lecturing I love any input I can get. You and me both know that until she meets someone new its going to be the same struggle day by day BUT she wont even fathem the idea of another guy. The biggest thing is her ex never explained or told her any issues so her mind spins day in and day out and she has done EVERYTHING wrong by texting him all the time trying to get answers. It's been 8 weeks now and we still have tears and SOOOO much hope that they will get back together. Do you think 8 weeks is still early days??? He said that they just had different personalities and he wants to stay friends and JUST friends. She said to me this morning that she text him last night and asked if he thinks he could get that spark back? and he said I cant answer that right now but with the way things have been it would be hard (because she has done nothing but text him for the past 8 weeks) but with him saying I cant answer that right now I know has given my daughter hope again..it would have been better to say NO I dont think I can rekindle that spark. My daughter works but with all females she is in childcare and the males are all dads (so no meeting anyone there). My daughter is very attractive but lacks confidence and she doesnt have a big social circle and she doesnt drink and doesnt like going to nightclub type things. She went on this Tinder to see what it was about and she just kept getting messages of how gorgeous you are and I want to just kiss and cuddle you I mean good for the self esteem for other guys to tell you how pretty you are but my daughter is very naive and not sure how she would cope. I was going to ask BOO because she went online dating if the dating sites you pay for (im happy to pay for my daughter) are more legit than the free ones where anyone and everyone can go on. I was sort of thinking that guys that are willing to pay for these sites would be more serious about trying to find someone for the right reasons? This is my daughters first b/f and she thinks he is IT AND A BIT!!! people have said to me that he is batting way above his average being with your daughter. My son said I dont know what she sees in him he aint all that. But he is in my daughters eyes. You and I know that she can meet someone that will sweep her off her feet BUT she WONT see that and only wants HIM!!! She hasnt given him a chance to miss her with all the texting. Please keep in touch xx

[Just Sara]

Hi Kazz;

I so hear your pain. It's devastating to watch our young one's suffer, but this isn't just about your daughter's life lesson, it's yours too. One of our most hurtful times as parents is allowing our children to suffer so they learn from experience. We had to do it, so must she.

Being a soft place to land is all you can provide. Trying to do it for her by researching dating sites etc, will just make you more frustrated and hurt. This is her life; where's yours?

I contribute to another thread which resembles your trials in a way. I asked him who he was and what his purpose in life was. He didn't really answer, but I was expecting that. These are difficult questions to answer when life is full of everyone else coming first.

Your posts sound frantic and helpless. The thing is, basically you are helpless; not being able to 'take over' for your daughter. Things aren't 'hopeless' though, and this 'will' see you through. She's safe from harm, healthy and living her life with you in her corner. There are much worse things in life to contend with.

I'm considering 'you' more through my words, because you're the one asking for help. No-one can help your daughter on here including me. But we can offer you solace from your home and worry.

In your next post, could you please tell me about you? What's this situation doing to you? Who is this supportive woman called Kazz? Where is life taking you or where do you want it to go?

This might sound a bit presumptuous, but aren't you doing a similar thing with your daughter as she's doing with her ex? Letting go is a right of passage for parents. I know this painful process too well I'm afraid. We're 'mother' first for so many yrs only to find our children doing it for themselves no matter what we say or do.

It's your loss too. Grieving's part of our life plan when they grow up and leave the nest, physically or not. They always leave, and we're lost and forgotten, not knowing who we were/are anymore.

Please talk with me about these things Kazz. I'm hearing so much about your daughter, and nothing about you. It might challenge you, but I'd love to read your story...

Sara

[Kazzaroo]

Hi Sara thanks for the post xWatching our children suffer IS heartbreaking. When I was a teenager and went through heartbreak it seemed to be easier without the social media (Facebook etc). Well you ask me who am I? Well as you can tell I would walk over broken glass for my kids. Besides my daughter 25 I have a wonderful son 23 and I have ALWAYS been told and to this day what wonderful, loving and well mannered kids I have. I have a wonderful marriage going into our 28th year. My hubby is a very confident person and is an it is what it is sort of person so he isn’t too good at talking to about this sort of thing. I think that’s why I came on here to be able to vent and get ideas AND to be encouraged by success stories. 30 years ago I suffered from very bad panic attacks and back then it wasn’t really heard of so I was put straight into a psychiatric hospital a bit like “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” type of scenario. Mind you I only stayed for 1 day and was out of there. With hard work on my part I over came my panic attacks but still have just general anxiety now and then like most. I have great friends and a lovely home and I just like for everyone to be happy. Im non confrontational but in no way am I a mouse I do have confidence I just don’t like conflict and Im the one that is always keeping the peace in any situation. As people always say to me you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I often feel responsible for how my daughter is in the way of not being very confident etc because I pretty much have done everything for her and even though it has made us extremely close I do regret this now but its just who I am. I am very close to my son as well but he is a lot more independent. Ive always been a giver and not a taker. I think I was looking at dating sites because honestly I want 6 months time to be NOW so I don’t see so much pain in her. I was upset when they broke up as well but not so much of losing HIM but the “figure” of that person that made my daughter so happy. I was rather down myself when it first happened because I was sitting at the bedside of my best friend of over 20 years who was dying of cancer. She passed away Christmas morning aged 46. She is always on my mind but Im feeling a lot better now. I was brought up in a loving home and have one of my own and I don’t mind where my life goes as long as everyone around me is happy. Not sure if this has given you a bit of an insight xx Kazz xx

[Boo1986]

Hi guys, sorry I haven't been on in a little while and haven't responded sooner.

I hope things are getting better. I really wish she would stop texting him and that he would stop leading her on. I wish he understood what even the tiniest bit of hope is doing to her. Even if it seems cruel, it would be nicer if he would just tell her "absolutely no" for every question she asks, it would hurt her, but also give her mind the opportunity to consider moving on.

I do think that dating sites are a good idea, and find that paying for it will weed out some deadbeats. My best advice is for her to talk to people for a very long time before meeting. Get her to be sure of what she wants and not to speak to anyone that does not fit. EG I don't want to be with a smoker, I can't be with someone who is religious etc so I made these things clear at the start to avoid finding out later and being disappointed. Tell her not to be afraid to be firm, she is entitled to ask for what she wants and she is worth the effort it will take to get to know her. Tell her to be honest with herself and with them about what she wants, who she is and what she is going through. She can explain that she is pretty heartbroken so will need to take things slow and guys she is speaking to will need to be patient and compassionate etc.

Hopefully she will find someone that really appreciates her and she can feel secure with...

Fingers crossed 🙂

[Kazzaroo]

Hi Boo nice to hear from you again 🙂 I don't think we are any closer to her letting go. In fact I think we are going backwards. She is actually catching up with him tonight at his place for dinner. She initiated it and he said yes. She said she wasn't going to talk about the relationship etc and just wants to have a good laugh like old times. She wants to try and remind him why he fell in love with her in the first place and for him to try and get that "spark" back that he said he had lost. I said to her I'm so worried about her because she is going to go back right to the beginning of the breakup with all the pain and heartache. Especially if he stands adament that its just friends he wants to be and whereas her heart is bursting with love for him. She said she is going to take each day as it comes day by day. I can see she has no intention of moving on or letting go...... so we will have to see how things go tonight.....only time will tell. What about you Boo how is things going with you? Have you found that someone special yet? xx Kazz xx

[Boo1986]

Hi Kazz... God I hope he is not playing with her.... If he wants to be with her he should man up and do so... if not, he needs to stop sending her mixed messages!! Very frustrating and must be so difficult for her to understand.

I have been seeing a guy for a little while now, the relationship is progressing steadily. I feel very different to how I have in the past which is good because in the past I have always gotten hurt. I explained to him that I am subconsciously and even consciously protecting myself so not to take offence if I seem guarded, it's not a reflection of him but rather a coping mechanism from past relationships. He understands as he divorced a few years ago and has some similar issues. I do fear getting to excited or thinking too far into the future as I know this will just cause me great pain in the future if we break up. Hopefully I am worried for nothing 🙂

[Kazzaroo]

Hey Boo xx

Well she was all dressed and excited to go to his house for dinner tonight....because last night they were messaging each other and he yes that would be fine. Then tonight he messages and said he had a busy day at work and is really tired so can we make it another night?? So yet again another excuse. She messaged him to make it Wednesday night and she just said to me if he makes another excuse then she is done!! (yeah riiiight) So now lets see if another excuse Wednesday night. If there is then there we will be back to square one with the tears etc. But maybe she needs to experience him making excuses so she gets the message!! As I said to her if he REALLY wanted to see her he would and wouldnt be making up excuses!!!!! Glad you have found someone special you get along with Boo and its only normal to be a little guarded and it sounds good that he is understanding 🙂 Its such a shame that people that break our hearts make it difficult to be comfortable in a relationship that is meant to be for all the right reasons. xx