That isolation period after leaving father of children

[RoseToez]

I have 2 boys, 1 year old and almost 3 year old. I broke up from their Dad 3 months ago. I have Bipola type II so on antidepressants and mood stabilizers. So on most part I dont think too negatively.. when we first broke up I thought I'm going to blitz this, im not doing any different then when I was with him im just happier now. Moved in to a new place that kids and I love. Their dad and I planned on being friends for the kids and he said hed have them any time but that went down hill real quick and before fathers day he hadnt seen them for 3 weeks and now it's been a month since then. We havent spoken at all. Every conversation we had before that hed just come out with some really nasty stuff. Just recently I realised I was drinking too much and decided to quit.. I didnt realise that anytime I was feeling good I'd drink and then become insanely depressed later that night and the few days after.. antidepressants and alcohol dont mix so it was a no brainer. At the moment I'm in a funny place. I'm someone who has a really addictive personality.. video games, drinking, sex, pot smoking, cigarettes.. quit the pot and cigarettes.. video games no time for.. so at the moment I'm free of everything bar the meds. I'm isolated I deleted Facebook. I have no close friends apart from my mum.. I have very few friends I can just text. Having high sex drive and not getting that either really plays on my mood. I guess I'm missing him but I guess im just generally lonely. And im sort of at a point in the separation where im starting to forget all the negativity and remembering the good times. But then I remember that all those happy memories are always going to be stronger then the negative ones in the long term.. that's why we go back.. and then were stuck in that same situation all over again. That and were lonely and cant get the fix to fill that empty hole as quickly as wed like, when time's the only thing that can fill it. My first step is to get over the drinking, sleep well, be happy for the kids and concentrate on my health and we'll get there.

[SammyD100]

Hi RoseToez

As I was reading your post I was thinking about all the different things you have got going on for you – relationship breakdown, difficulties communicating and establishing a clear pattern of shared care with your ex, Bipolar II, new house, alcohol use, addictive personality, feeling lonely…. That’s a lot that you’re managing to deal with all at once and I think many people in a similar situation would really struggle to cope. But then to read your last sentence, “My first step is to get over the drinking, sleep well, be happy for the kids and concentrate on my health and we’ll get there” was just so positive and optimistic and I really think you will get there!

It’s also so great that you were able to recognise that you were drinking too much, and that it was impacting on your mood so significantly. To be able to quite the pot and cigarettes too is a massive achievement, so I think you should be really proud of these great choices!

It sounds like the most difficult thing for you right now is managing the feelings of loneliness? I love that you have the insight to acknowledge that you are slowly forgetting the negative things about the relationship and only remembering the good things – sounds like a case of rose-coloured glasses? Perhaps it’s worth continuing to remind yourself that there were a number of reasons why you and your ex weren’t good together and broke up, to help you keep that perspective.

You mention having few close friends – I wonder if you have looked into joining a local playgroup with your kids? Being a parent can be really tough, let alone being a single parent, and finding other local mums that you might be able to connect with could be a good place to start developing some new friendships?

Best of luck,

SammyD

[RoseToez]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply SammyD, I do attend one playgroup and meet some really great women there.. although I'm a bit socially awkward. If I mesh with someone I tend to talk fairly easily with them, otherwise when another mum will start a friendly conversation, as people generally do naturally when your sitting near them or our kids are playing closely during play group I'll tend to keep the conversation fairly short.. and it's even been more so worse since I've been taking medication, probably the only bad side effect I get from them. I guess it goes back to when I was in primary school being fairly unpopular and feeling like I'm not on the same level socially.. like I'm not goodie-too-shoes enough to be having a decent conversation.. or that I'm even interested in what they're saying? Like I cant pretend. I guess I feel like they're up themselves maybe? I get a vibe, that isnt even there and then I'm the one who comes across as the snob and it all comes down to me feeling like I'm too weird to have a conversation with this person. I went through a couple of psychotic episodes and was hospitalized.. during both episodes I ran rampid on Facebook, shamed all of my closest friends on an insanely bad level both times. Which is why I basically lost all of my high school friends. I lost everyone.. and the ones I didnt lose, dont have the same respect for me or I've just changed so much that I dont get along with them like I did. They're all scared by the ordeal I guess. None of the people I got along with had to deal with a crazy person before. Not like that. I just learned to deal with it and be comfortable being alone.. but now I have kids and my toddlers turning 3 I'm actually freaking out a bit at the fact all the birthday parties and should be play dates will be coming.. I want to be a social person for my kids but I dont know how. I lived out of town with my mum when I was little and that was it, it was just us. I didnt have friends to stay much and i never had birthday parties until my teens, mum always made an excuse.. you get spoiled enough by your dad, you were cruel to the cat or you did something naughty. She grew pot all around the yard behind trees so she didnt want a bunch of randoms at our house I guess. I just want my kids to have a normal upbringing and get the birthday parties I didnt get to have.. I guess I gave my eldest a brother.. that's what I always wanted as well.. a sibling I could relate to.

[SammyD100]

Hi again RoseToez

It was great to see your reply, and sorry that I haven’t been able to get back to you again until now! I have a bit of a full plate at the moment : )

I think it’s great that you are attending a Playgroup, and that you have been able to meet some people! Reading your post and the extra information you added, it sounds like your parents kept you quite isolated when you were growing up. I wonder if as a young child, you had very little opportunity to practice social interactions, playing with children your own age, developing the skills and confidence to be able to talk to people and develop friendships? If that was the case I think it makes so much sense why meeting people, having conversations, and developing close relationships feels so difficult for you now. Social skills aren’t referred to as ‘skills’ for nothing – you aren’t born with them; they take time, opportunities and lots of practice. And the best time to develop those skills is as a child.

I wonder if you could consider really trying to help yourself to develop some social skills? Possibly viewing every interaction and social situation as a chance to improve your ability to connect with people? You mentioned ‘getting a vibe, that isn’t even there’. It sounds like at some level you can recognise that your thoughts might be getting in the way of your ability to converse with people and be in the moment. Perhaps you could try and challenge those thoughts, both when you’re reflecting on a conversation, and even in the moment as you get better at challenging your thoughts? For example, if you’re talking to someone and the thought pops into your head that they’re ‘up themselves’ – try and stop, and challenge that thought. What evidence is there that he/she is a snob? Is this thought helpful? What would it mean for them to be a snob? Does it matter right now? Definitely a tricky thing to do, but I wonder if it’s a strategy worth considering?

I think it’s so great that you want a different life for your children, an upbringing that you didn’t have. You are doing a great job!

SammyD

[RoseToez]

I think my issue with alot of problems I have is not realise it's happening at the time, and have no idea the way I'm going to act until I'm faced with it.. I walk away realizing it after it's happened. I act alot on emotion and vibes/sense.. I dont put alot of words into thought before and during.. its after that I think and get lost in thought about it. Sorry that doesnt make much sense lol thanks for your reply!