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Teenage daughter

N888
Community Member

My relationship is not good with my 20 year daughter and she is rebelling against us. I need advice please.

29 Replies 29

N888
Community Member

At the moment she wont talk to me or even look at me. She left this morning with her friend without telling me, where they were going.

How do i start the conversation? and get her to open up. 

I feel she hates me at the moment and has withdrawn from the family. She doesnt even eat dinner with us or help with household chores.

Its amazing how much friends influence your child......πŸ˜ͺ

N888
Community Member

Yes. At the moment she isnt talking to me. My belief is to always be honest with her, well Sunday she didnt like the honesty and has been angry with me ever since.

I know i have great kids and are well behaved when out (i hope). But something about my daughter, she doesnt want to be with us. She rather be out. 

My son is moving overseas soon and then i will only have her at home. I really need her. 😒I need her support during this time. But i dont! 

N888
Community Member

Im trying anyway of communicating with her. She gets angry and calls me names. Ive tried to talk with a calm voice, ive told her that I miss her and she rolled her eyes.

She blames me for the relationship isnt good, she blames me for everything. Ive been sick in bed for the past week and she hasnt help or offered help once! Its heartbreaking.

When she is sick, i rush home from work, give her extra care and love. 

She never appreciates what you do for her or even say thank you..πŸ˜ͺ

 

N888
Community Member

What do you do when your daughter is hiding alcohol in her room? 

N888
Community Member

What do you do when your daughter is hiding alcohol in her room?

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi N888

 

Whether she's hiding it or just keeping it in there becomes the question. If she is hiding it, I imagine she feels the need to hide it. Maybe she doesn't want to upset you. Maybe she thinks there's less stress involved in hiding it.

 

Personally, I drank through my 20s partly in an effort to manage my emotions and depression. Of course, alcohol just made matters worse. It's definitely no solution, far from it. I think this is why I have open conversations with my kids about alcohol, because I mismanaged it when I was younger and I don't want them to do the same. While my 17yo son has absolutely zero interest in alcohol at this stage of life (he finds it tastes repulsive), my daughter's very open about why she drinks with friends. She has some social anxiety and will typically only have a few drinks so as to relax a bit. Of course, she's no angel. There will be occasional binges but they are rare. I think most people grow out of the binging stage once they realise there's more to life than drinking in the way of managing excitement and some sense of joy.

 

Do you think gaining a better understanding of why she enjoys drinking might lead you to see the reason why she does? Perhaps it might even turn out to be relatable in some ways. You might find out she's a responsible drinker. If she's doing it to help her manage her emotions that's worth finding out too. Asking carefully, in a way that shows you care about her, may lead her to open up a tiny bit.

N888
Community Member

If only i could give you a big hug. You have been a big help for me.

She suffers from anxiety and she said it relaxes her when she goes out in a new environment or out with friends. Our doc said she is only allowed 1 drink when she goes out because she is on medication for her anxiety. But on rare occassions she has had a few. Ive noticed she likes to drink and thinks its cool. She gets this smirk on her face when someone offers her a drink. Im abit worried her drinking with her new boyfriend. 

Its all too much!

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi N888

 

I have chats with my daughter about issues with drinking based on my own experience as an ex drinker. They're more so warnings about what can happen if relying on drinking or it getting out of control. I warn her based on not wanting her to repeat a lot of things I regret doing at that point in my life.

 

One of the things I warn her about involves alcohol being a mind altering substance. While it can alter the mind to the point of bringing the social butterfly out in us, we need to be able to recall exactly what that butterfly did, otherwise there can be a terrible sense of dread the next day. While relaxing us to the point where we feel free to speak and not worry about watching every little thing we say (so as to be liked and accepted by people), we have a filter for a reason. Too much alcohol and the filter can come off completely, leading to regret about what we've said that hurt someone. While it can bring the carefree part of us to life, there are things we need to care about, things we can't afford to not care about. Completely carefree can also come with a sense of dread and regret.

 

I mention to my daughter how while alcohol can be okay if managed carefully in moderation, in abundance it can lead to anxiety and depression based on dread and regret. I think developing natural social skills is important too, for social anxiety. While I've always been a somewhat socially anxious person (being able to feel my nervous system in challenging social situations), while I was drinking I never recognised the need for skill development in this area.

 

It's a tough one, especially for young people going through a process of self understanding and self development. Alcohol can offer them the freedom to be who they want to be - more relaxed, less anxious, less worried about what others think of them and so on. I found natural skill development in these areas and more led to me feeling no need to drink. I find drinking can actually get in the way of self development.

 

It's so tough for us when we witness our kids go through certain stages of life. When we can see them going off track in some way, the greatest challenge can involve letting them learn from certain experiences. All we can do in some cases is hope the lessons learned aren't too unbearable for them. If they are too unbearable to manage alone, that's where we come in, to offer some form of relief and guidance.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello N888, if you find alcohol in your daughters room and then an argument beegins, then she will find another place to hide it or disguise it in a perfume bottle or any other bottle pretending to be something else or even hide it somewhere outside where she often goes.

Unfortunately mentioning that it can be used in moderation to her will only fall on deaf ears, this not only occurs with her but to anybody else who has a drinking problem.

It's a hard call to find an appropriate solution, especially as she is 20 and the more you make a point of her drinking the worse she may become.

Please get back to me if you want.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Hi therising,

I absolutely love your response and advice. Beautifly put. Collaborative team effort, respect, love - thank you!