Teenage daughter

[N888]

Does anyone feel like their 20 year old daughter hates them? Or like walking on egg shells around her. What every i say, she twists it around to make out that ive said something wrong and turns into an arguement. Does anyone have any advice please....

[white knight]

Hi n888

I had a new boss once. After 3 weeks of tension he asked "do you like me"? I replied "I can't stand you... what do you think of me"? He said "give me 6 months, then I'll judge you"

6 months passed. He asked "what do you think of me"? "Great guy"... he said "see, never judge someone for 6 months". A lesson learned.

I've known bikes covered in tattoos tie teddy's to their bikes to give to sick kids. I've known grumpy selfish old men pass on only to leave their fortune to charity and I've known convicted armed robbers that as a prison officer that I locked up upon their release volunteer to rebuild raised homes from black Saturday. I have less confidence in grey haired men with smiling faces than the young man dating your daughter. So give the young man a chance I say. And your daughter is a "good girl" as you put it but with your standards seemingly in a time warp, adults her age are busting to be trusted. When they know they aren't trusted they pursue the opposite of your expectations. 

Re: "But dont you get use to a little then have a little more and so on. Thats what im worried about."  It can happen but better to try and steer a cargo ship with a gentle rudder than cut across its bow with a navy destroyer. 

As a 17yo airman in the RAAF I didn't drink nor smoked for the first year. I was ostracised. So I took up both. For 2 years I got drunk often as I made friends. Then suddenly I stopped. It wasn't me.

This period is a discovery time for your daughter. Better to let her go and be there as a calm measured friend when she looks out of her ships crows nest looking for that destroyer for an escort to calmer waters.

You're only having issues because 1. You care so much 2. You have expectations 3. Your frustration is clouding the great mum you are.

Your thoughts

TonyWK 

[N888]

Hi Tony.

Thank you, no one has ever said im a great mum. 😢 that means alot.

Im just having trouble letting go and the fear that something bad will happen. She is still naive and immature in the area of relationships. I dont trust this guy. I know i have to give him time and for him to show my daughter respect. But i over heard her telling her friend that he has red flags and he compares her to his ex girlfriend.

My gut feeling is that he is using my daughter to get back at his ex. I think my daughter is happy to have a boyfriend, but deep down she doesnt like him. She just likes the attention and saying she has a boyfriend. But she deserves the love and attention from the right person!! 😌

[white knight]

Hi N888

I'm so glad you are hanging on here and I'm here as long as you need. I'm here most days at no set time.

You are now expressing acknowledgement of your fears and that is good because that isnt always the case. With anxiety and fears the ideal method of accepting a situation is to think about the worst case scenario. With your daughter having this less desirable boyfriend the worst case is she will be mistreated. The good is that she will gain experience and grow from this relationship. I think your fears are problematic, sorry to say. If he doesnt show her respect she will move on to seek someone that does. I did that with my last defacto wife after 10 years and I was 52yo!. So it can happen at any age. As for him saying he has "red flags" and compares her to an ex, thats ok, some characteristics in same sex will carry to the next relationship. Overall this is all under the banner of normality and thats why your fears and worry is a problem and it was the original reason I suggested she move out because I know from experience a parent with that much worry and involvement would benefit their relationship by distance. I'm sorry, it is hard to offer such resolve when a parent feels they are "turfing her out", my solutions is not to make you feel that way.

Yes, perceptions from a parent can be that she is still naive and immature. 4 days after my 17th birthday I entered the Airforce. It was not the controlled and cared for environment that people think so I had to grow up quickly. Your daughter needs to grow up and mature but I'm sorry to say, it wont be advanced upon by her parent, no action you take will help her through that process. Any words, action will be seen as interfering in her life the opposite of your intent.

The worst case scenario for you and your daughter is- she'll leave home with her boyfriend and not see you for... weeks, months, years or forever. I've seen this happen and the parent has visited us and each time repeated themselves as to why their child was wrong and how they "only tried to help her/him etc. Those words of claiming innocence is worth nothing when their child no longer makes contact. I'll share with you that my eldest daughter 33yo I'm close to. Her sister 30yo I havent seen for 3 years. But its the reverse, I wont see her due to her controlling methods adopted from her birth mother. For years I tried correcting it but in the end so much mental damage was being done by her mistreating me and controlling my life I left her life. So I've lost my little girl that I adored and treated like a princess. I dont wont that to be the same for you. Yes, telling you that you are a good mum is true, you are, and the proof being with your worry levels. But the same tendencies could lead to you losing her.

Changes have to take place to prevent the infinite trauma of losing your child. There is nothing worse than the helplessness of that loss. Right now you have a chance of preventing that. 🙂

Thoughts?

TonyWK

[N888]

Thank you Tony,

My anxiety and worry levels are really bad today. My husband said our daughter has bruises on the side of her face. I dont know how to approach her about it. Its either another love bite or he has hit her. 😢😢

I dont know what to do...im so scared. 

Tony, im scared!! 

Why does she always attract bad scenarios or situations...why???...

What happens if he does something to her??? I will never forgive myself or what if she cant say no to him?? 😢😢

[white knight]

Yes, you have a right to be concerned. However, after a lifetime of being in security or law enforcement I've learned one thing- dont jump to conclusions. Ask her calmly how she got those markings like this "you look like you have marks on your face, how did that happen"?  Already you have one of 2 possibles- love bite or assault. Yet there is no evidence yet and after all, she could have fallen over?. This is a clear sign of anxiety and assumption. She attracts these scenarios because she is normal, sorry to say but this is common and normal, it's your view on this that is out of proportion until facts emerge.

Anxiety is assuming the worst, eg your last sentence.

I would recommend a GP visit and discuss this exact situation and your response to it. 

I had anxiety and it climaxed in 1987. It took me 22 years to eliminate it. Before then the world was about to cave in every day at some point. 

TonyWK

We are limited in how much we can extend our help, then it really comes down to professionals that are trained to isolate, diagnose, treat and care for their patients. 

[N888]

Im ok Tony. Just talking to someone like you is helping me. Im very grateful. 

I just dont want to see my little girl hurt. Your right, i shouldnt jump to conclusion. But im still worried. 

I hope she isnt with him, just to say she has a boyfriend and keep up with her friends. I hope he isnt using her and taking advantage of her. 

Ever since she has been with him, she has changed, withdrawn from the family and secretive. She was never like this! Its out of her character. Thats why im worried so much. 

[white knight]

Dynamics certainly change when a daughter gets a boyfriend. Suddenly she has a supporter of similar age that can relate to her and merely that alone can change her demeanour. But, that doesn't mean he's at fault. A young man dating your daughter doesn't usually automatically turn her against her family, more likely his eager ear to her conflicts with you is resulting in words of support for her. That's what couples do. You could feel you are losing her to him. But she will have enough love for everyone.

I'm sorry, she isnt "my little girl" any more. As I have said I'm afraid you could lose her so to prevent that you would be wise to let her go emotionally. There's no legal binding that you have on her so there's no action she is obliged to take to satisfy you nor anyone else. She's a free adult.

I told you, "you are a good mum" and you are. You would be an even better mum by remaining observant, ready to be her friend/caring mum when she needs you and withdrawing from any unwanted advice.

A comment on the internet I read once from a concerned dad "At 19yo my son is in trouble with the law. It's too late to issue directives at his age. That ended 4 years ago. He is chosen his path and its the wrong one. When he falls down I'll then pick him up and be his friend".

If that dad pushes too hard his standards, his son, when he needs his dad, won't seek him out, he'll run the other way.

I didn't tell you I don't see my mother anymore. It's been 12 years. I loved her. Her expectations I could never meet. To some relatives I'm a villain but... I'm free.

TonyWK 

[N888]

Why, dont you reach out to your mum? I know its very hard, not easy but you should try. Things can change over 12 years and she probably misses you and thinks of you everday!

A mothers love is forever....💗 

[white knight]

It's why I mentioned it. See some parents for a variety of reasons can burn bridges with their adult children. Some parents can be narcissistic, favour nephews or neices over their own children, manipulate, scheming techniques and so on. But in my case an extreme attention seeker with controlling ways. She ruined my 1st wedding in 1985 and in 2011 wanted to ruin my 2nd wedding. 

So the circumstances are very different to yours except for one reason, that is that my example displays that if the bridge is burnt, there is nothing to save. I'm afraid for you, that one day your daughter could feel like me, that there is nothing to save. She might feel restricted, judged poorly and not living up to expectations. If she feels she cannot do anything right it will end up a "flight or flight". 

There's a lady in my life that lost 2 adult daughters through crime. She is my mother now and a elderly family friend is like an aunty. My mother paid the price of using Mr as a puppet. Funny enough, I was a good son, maintained her unit, rang her often. Once I left shift work, drove 4 hours, spent 18 hours painting inside her unit then crashed in bed. One wall had only one coat of paint as I'd ran out. Everyone I knew had been told what a bad paint job it was as one wall was unfinished. It crushed me. Then I was told "my nephew is my favourite boy". 

So, at 91yo she can have "her boy" and I can choose my mum. 

That's why I'm fighting here so your relationship with your daughter isn't broken. 

Tell her you're proud of her, that your love drives you to "care too much" and you are there for her. Tell her that it's her choice to choose a man but to not allow herself to be treated poorly... and tell her she's special...

A bridge once burnt is never the same

TonyWK 

[white knight]

RELEASE THE REINS

Wondering what the answer is
Whatever we can do with our kids
Their not making choices we would like
Not a day goes by without a fight

When we judge their hair unbrushed
We don't see their confidence crushed
And their bottle of booze where they snooze

Better we put faith in the amount they choose

And if they get the wrong guy to date
They won't make the same mistake
Better to be there to catch her tears
Than her run to escape your parental fears

Beyond 18 our kids are grown
We love them, we no longer own
Better to advise to replace our caress
Than to watch her jump from your nest

Do what you must to calm your soul
Just like a filly with her foal
Run with her in the meadow of life
Release your rein, it'll be alright...

TonyWK