Tarnished friendships and marriage

[Kirb86]

Would like to get some advice on how to get back on track.

I suffer from depression and believe I have a drinking problem. The last time I drank I tried to kiss my bestfriends husband and have now tarnished our relationship as well as mine and my fiancé's relationship. I have decided to stop drinking but the pain I've caused because of my drinking remains. I have gone downhill and feel like I'm back to square one when I was first diagnosed with depression. I can't eat or sleep. My fiancé and I have a daughter and I feel like I can't take care of her the way I should. My work is suffering which is not good as I've recently bought a home and don't want to put my job in jeopardy. I miss my friend's and I feel ashamed of my actions. I feel devistated that I have hurt my fiancé and I feel lost.

[V17]

Hi Kirb,

Welcome!
Truly great news you have identified that you may have a drinking problem, that is no mean task and one to be encouraged further.
It's a horrid feeling to think your actions have caused others hurt and pain, I hear you there. Unfortunately, we can't turn back the clock as much as we really wish we could, however, we can learn to face the results to our actions. It isn't going to be an easy ride Kirb, but I can guarantee if you continue to show the courage you have shown by admittance in here; taking one step at a time, one day at a time - gradually, you will see progress. I can already see it. I mean, you clearly show remorse which is good because it tells me and others reading that you a person who genuinely cares. Hold onto that. You are not a bad person Kirb, you've made a wrong choice and we can choose - like you have already chosen - to turn our lives around. Seriously, well done for wanting to do this and you are certainly not alone in here.

Guilt and shame have a habit, if allowed to remain unchecked, to sink us and then the cycle will begin agian. Be weary of this. Having been diagnosed with depression, I am sure you understand. Are you still seeing your GP? I fully recommend you speak to them about your drinking problem. They will certainly steer you in the right direction.

In the meantime, I suggest you continue posting in here. Writing stuff down - no matter how trivial you may feel it is - will help. Sometimes by writing we gain a little bit of clarity. Clarity is good, even when it's only a little bit. We begin to hope again, and well, hope is an amazing thing Kirb because then we can begin to ground ourselves in the belief that we can overcome the trials we face.

We are all here to help you in any way we can, okay?

Remember: little steps make up a journey. It cannot be rushed and takes as long as it takes. Every one is different.

Thinking of you.

V.

[Starwolf]

Hello Kirb, welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in a dark place at the moment. Your pain is leaping out from your post. Kudos to you for reaching out.

Recent events have triggered another wave of depression. Guilt is adding more stress to this already painful equation. However, though hard to see at the moment, such painful times are often a blessing in disguise.

First of all, Life's crises often throw us back onto ourselves and motivate us to make much needed changes. You have just done this by deciding to stop drinking. Such brave and wise decision deserves a standing ovation. The drinking habit has never brought solutions or long-term fulfillment into anyone's life. Perhaps joining a supportive group like AA would help you and others accept your sincerity and promote steadfastness. Of course, an apology is called for but...whether your friends can forgive or not is out of your hands. A breach of trust may take time to heal and cannot be fast forwarded. But there is a lot you can control to turn the situation around. Doing what feels right by you is a first step towards forgiving yourself, an important step towards healing.

One of the negative effects of alcohol is that it compels us to act against our own true nature. Your heartbreak makes it obvious that -without drinking- you wouldn't have made a pass at your friend's husband.

There's no need to struggle alone. You have made a positive decision and deserve all the support you can get to help you over this rough stretch. If you are undergoing therapy for your depression, please do not hesitate to bring up this new development with your counselor. If not, have a chat with your GP. You may need medication to help you sleep and return to a healthier pattern of living. Sleep deprivation is harmful and has been used as a form of torture. Letting it get out of control would have serious implications and impact on other areas of your personal and family life. You don't need that right now.

Please take good care of yourself so that you can keep caring for your child and fiance. I do hope you have your partner's support with this.

Meanwhile, feel free to navigate the safe space provided by these forums. May it be to connect with others in similar situations or just to vent your feelings. There are sections dedicated to depression and recovery from alcohol or substance abuse...a wealth of info, understanding and support.

Good to have you on board.

[Nikkir]

Hi Kirb86,

Thank you for reaching out to us, I really feel for you. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time and you are worried about hurting the people you love which is a beautiful way to be. We all make mistakes especially when alcohol and or drugs are involved. Part of the brain is actually not working properly due to alcohol so we don't make wise choices. It sounds like stopping the alcohol for now might be a good idea ( easier said than done in know). Have you considered talking to your GP ? and maybe getting a referral to see a professional to work through this issue ? It is often easier to talk to somebody who will not judge and may offer some useful strategies for the future. It is good that you are still think clearly with regard to your future and your responsibilities with your partner and your daughter and financial responsibilities so this is something to feel good about and as far as your friendship is concerned it may survive this or it may not but either way what is done is done and you need to move forward because feeling bad or guilty for to long is damaging. I have experienced something similar years ago and in the end things all worked out and life went on ( I don't see those people anymore 😉 I wish you all the best and take care of yourself. We are here to talk to on 1300 224636 or online so please keep in touch or let us know if there is any resources we can provide for you. Best Wishes and you are not alone. Nikkir x