Talking to men: some tips
I recall my father (now dec) when he was under pressure his face would always go red followed by throwing his cigarette on the ground. That's as far as he'd ever go with reaction. As I grew older I realised what he felt. This "pressure" has got worse over time and for me it is trying to think of more than one thing at a time. A man's disease?
Snapping at my wife occurs many times daily. A post I read tonight was similar where a wife has a depressed husband with a short fuse. There is really no good time to interrupt some of us men. If we are self servicing our car or hammering a nail in a piece of wood, we are too busy to listen to a simple request for our partners. Sad isnt it? Sadder still for our partners whom are simply asking us to do something for them.
So, what can we do? Well my first response is that the male cant do anything about it. That his initial reaction is his natural reaction to huff and puff and answer in a grumpy manner everytime his wife asks him a request. Not so. Like every problem we sufferers and our carers face - it takes two to solve it and requires patience and planning, to achieve a partial improvement. So once you have such an agreement you can both start on the plan.
Approach techniques play a huge part. Remember ladies, the guy is concentrating. he may only be hammering a nail in a block of wood but unbeknown to you he has 5 or more tasks running in his head. His day is planned, actually it was planned the day before when lying in bed gazing into space....you know, that moment you thought he was ignoring you. His projects fill his mind. So in this case you yell out "Tony, can you take the garbage out to the naturestrip". And it tips him over the edge. "Oh, yeh alright". = grumpy reply. At this point you throw a tantrum because this answer combined with another grumpy reply early in the day and you've had enough. Argument follows. Tears, hopefully apologies and that cycle goes on and on because the technique doesnt change.
Try this. Approach your guy and ask him how his project is going. Then say "when you get a chance darling, can you do ...."? It will work.
The man has responsibility to. "Thanks sweetheart for taking an interest..." and "I can fit that in between that job before I get on the roof..."= friendly teamwork
Approach is the number one. Another thing men should do is to realise that women still do (as the stats prove) much of the housework. Discuss what you can do to share chores equally.
Understanding = less upsets
Oh Tony you make me laugh!!!
A great post. I must admit my hubby is exactly like that - grumpy every time either me or the kids ask him to do something. He huffs and puffs and I think gee what about me - I don't huff and puff when I wash the dishes, put the clothes in the washing machine, hang the clothes on the line, sweep the floor, clean the kitchen - all before I go to work at 9am.
I know men have their hobbies and their time out in the garage - but sometimes just sometimes it would be nice to have them say - is there anything I can do to help? and I guess we women could do the same.
Don't they say that men can only do one thing at a time and women can multi task? LOL
I have enjoyed reading your post. It is always interesting and beneficial to hear the story of life from the other sex. I wonder how my husband would write up his thoughts about me asking him to do something!
Over the years I have learnt to not ask questions during the footy or the cricket, but to wait for the commercial breaks before I talk.
In the mornings I give my husband a couple of hours or more "free" time on the computer before I remind him of a job he said he would do for me last week! Ha. Ha.
Lunch time is also a good opportunity to bring things up and to discuss what we are both doing in the afternoon if I happen to be home.
Notes and lists work well in our house hold. I have even sent reminders to my husband's email, nothing sarcastic or nasty, just a gentle reminder that his niece or nephew is having a birthday and he could send off an email to them along with the card and gift I have already organised and posted.
My dear husband still needs to learn that I can not hear him very well when he tries to talk to me from his office while I am cooking dinner with the exhaust fan on.
Just a little pointer for you guys, when your partner is sitting down looking in a magazine, please don't think that is the time to ask her to help you take the engine out of your car! As Jo mentioned, she has probably already completed a hundred and one jobs while you were showering in the morning, and this is her opportunity to take a break! Ha. Ha.
This is all in a bit of fun, but seriously, we do need to consider each other and try to communicate with each other in an understanding way!
From Mrs. Dools
Yes Mrs Dools, it is some fun and why not. Of course the original post was serious commencing from my thoughts on tolerance and understanding. Upsets and arguments are common when there isnt much understanding.
I have poor hearing also. I told my wife recently..."I wear stocking for my DVT, glasses, false teeth and use a CPAP machine....I draw the line at a hearing aide...lol I'm 58yo not 88yo haha
Thanks for bringing this topic to our attention. These days there seems to be such a big push for saying "men and women are the same and there are no differences" but its just not true. We are quite different in many ways and what you outline in your post is a great example of that. When it comes to equal pay etc, sure, we want equality, of course, but when to comes to the way our brains are wired and how we think about things we are vastly different and a bit of understanding of how each other thinks will go a long way for home- front harmony!
Thanks for reinforcing my personal finding about the phrase "When you get a chance, can you do so and so task", I was so happy you mentioned that because I have been using that exact phrase to my partner, "when you get a chance". It really does work ladies. It phrases your request in a respectful and patient manner.
Hi Kiki and calmseeker
There are so many differences between men and women for sure. One of my worse days was met with my wife's hand on my shoulder, no talk, just that hand. Had she said "I'm here is you need me" I'd feel compelled to say grumpily "yes I know that". And the warm effect from that loving hand would go missing. Sadly that response, the grumpy one, isnt a good one from me and some men. Dont know why we react like that. But sometimes the remedy is avoidance rather than expecting change of nature from the grumpy one.
Talking about nature, this thread following tackles how our nature cant be changed. That is important for us all because many relationships never settle and never last because we expect our partner to change where they cannot change. We can only change the margins not the nature.
The frog and the scorpion