I first realised I used symbolic tokenism many years ago when I had a falling out with a work colleague in a factory. Basically he went running to my boss about a matter that could have easily been fixed with a short direct conversation. That event made me furious. I took weeks to calm down and my obsession with him and that action caused me to dislike him more each time I saw him.
One day at knock off time I did most of the locking of doors when it was his responsibility. He passed me at the last door and said "thanks Tony I appreciate that". That gesture was all that I needed to "bury my grudge" which actually meant that I was needing a reason so I could go in that direction likely because I was uncomfortable and preoccupied with him which wasnt a good thing.
Accepting tokenism as a lever to resolve disputes is akin to taking the opportunity to resolve. Resolve means less turmoil over what is most times - minor matters. We dont all do things the same way and that acceptance of being different is one of our basic challenges. There is also "the benefit of the doubt"
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-benefit-of-the-doubt/td-p/254054
The benefit of the doubt is crucial in our judgement of others. In the case above I failed to give that benefit to my work colleague. Instead of seeking out the REASON for him to sidetrack me and report matters to my boss I ASSUMED he was running to the boss so as to degrade me and elevate him. How wrong I was. Following his symbolic gesture of thanking me we got talking really well and one day he brought up the topic to explain to me that his conversation with our boss was due to it being a health and safety matter and at such a meeting among representatives the rule was passed that any such issue must be reported to the manager, documented and the manager takes it from there. Learning that made me realise that there was a failure of communication of such rules by the manager, him or me.
Prejudging occurs when we dont have solid evidence of all the facts. It can cause long periods of anguish which can be short circuited quickly "nipped in the bud". That leads to better mental health. Embracing symbolic gestures can lead to solving ill feeling. Grudges are personal and the pain is internal... it solves nothing
TonyWK
