Stuffed up as a mother

[Cassa]

Hi guys, my mental health goes back many years. I have a diagnosis PTSD, depression and anxiety. Also I had severe post natal depression with my last child who is now in his 30's. I manage my mental health with the support of GP, psychiatrist, medications, meditation, yoga, mindfulness. Since my childhood I have dealt with sexual abuse, seeing my father and father killed in a MVA. My ex having an affair in later stages of my last pregnancy which resulted in PND and in those days it was very hard access treatment. So was a mess for about 3 years until I decided to try to get myself together by doing a social work degree, 2 teenage children and a toddler on top of being a single mum. I had a complex relationship with my ex at times who continued his affair and wanted to reconcile. When my 2 older children moved on with their life and I completed my uni degree I found work in another town without any money and no support from my ex I was not in a position I had no choice but to leave my now 6 year old son with his father and step mother. My son visited me once a weekend every month and all the school holidays. I noticed that when he reached teens he was always angry with me. But was also with his step mother, when he turned about 15 his father asked that he move in with me and my new husband and step daughters. He was not happy about the move and was very difficult to live with, he was critical of just about everything, withdrew to his room and just wanted to spend his days playing computer games. I tried everything to encourage him to go to school and eventually find a job and I was met with a very angry son, which left me in tears and depressed. When he was 19 he met a young lady who was in the family way so he eventually moved out with his girlfriend. They had another child and he still continued his obsession with computer games until she forced him to get a job. After 16 years his wife finally had enough of him not wanting to contribute to the family and asked him to move out as she had found another man. So I stepped up and offered him to come home. He was very distressed so I attempted to provide support to get his life on track, and I was met with hostility and just wanting to go to work, intermittent and stay up all night playing on his computer games. After 7 mths when I was feeling mentally exhausted we end up having an argument he has moved into shared accommodation. Resulting in a relapse with my mental health 😩

[geoff]

hello Cassa, reading your comment makes me rather sad for several reasons, you son is addicted to computer games and although the effect from this is different than being an alcoholic, it's still a compulsive habit, and will dictate what and if he wants to do anything else.
It's destroyed his marriage because his only concern was to play these games, secondly his whole upbringing hasn't been anywhere perfect between you and your ex, but that's your personal space and doesn't need to be mentioned.
Personally with yourself you have done very well, considering you have done a degree, although there were still lingering problems with your ex and by having PND, but take these away and then you've done well, even though you might believe otherwise, but from the outside that's how I see it.
Depression can obviously happen when you know that your spouse has been cheating on you, it's this lack of trust which has been thrown out the window.
With your son he hasn't coped very well at all about his childhood, the divorce, your depression and knowing his father has been a cheat, so his escape was to play computer games because this would take his mind off what's happened.
A mum who is a qualified social worker will talk to him differently than what another social worker or psychologist would do, there will be delicate points that he wouldn't accept from you but would by someone else, that's why having a talk with a psych maybe able to help him, and you will know that he has to see his doctor first, the problem is gettng him there. Geoff.

[Cassa]

Yes your right though I so badly wanted to help him, just seemed to fail. I think like doctors social workers can't treat our loved ones. I attempted to use my marriage break up as a method to demonstrate with time and direction there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went through my marriage break up and post natal depression I just wanted to know I was not going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I also talked to him about the tragedies I have faced and with help from a good GP and referrals to the right people he will feel better but you need to ask for that help. Obviously talking about my mental health issues was not what he wanted to hear and he came back with this is not a competition who has had the worse life I don't feel safe around you. Which hurt me deeply and I realised had made a terrible mistake. He rung his older sister who then gave me a lecture about parenting and be patient with him. His sister is 13 years older then her brother and has two boys 15 and 18 and have had a relatively stable, happy life and their mother is a very high income earner. So it did not sit well with me, as my son is 35 and was not helping around the house, costing a lot on food and electricity. As he would run the heater in the room all night whilst he was playing his computer games in a room full of plastic bags, boxes and food wrappers. So his sister stepped up paid for him to stay in a serviced apartment for two weeks, whilst he found shared accommodation. So I have stepped back and he will need to sort himself out. I think he is aware that his computer games are the reason his marriage break up but I have to let him work out what is more important to him his two beautiful girls or his virtual world. I now kick my self I should never have used my tragic life to motivate him. And that is where I feel I stuffed up.

[Croix]

Dear Cassa~

Welcome here. I too found your story sad, because things have not been at all kind.

Trying to repair damage life has done to oneself is hard enough. Trying to repair damage to another harder, there really are so few tools. When it is your son it realy is heart-wrenching.

All though your post I see someone who has consistently done the best possible with what she has. You sound on top or your treatment, with lifestyle and professional help. You keep trying for you son, offering what you have.

His addiction, retreat, whatever you want to call it is frankly not something a parent - of any age or qualification - can cure. If it can be done at all it would take a professional - one not involved. He obviously is a most difficult person to deal with, and like many drives those that might love him away.

Sometimes all a parent can do is be a pillar of reason, love and normalcy. This can be a retreat, it is up to the offspring to use it.

No doubt having that argument and his leaving for other accommodation will weigh heavily on you. That's natural and also wrong. I'd feel the same myself but it is unjustified. Anybody can be pushed so far, and be driven to such a frustrated and powerless state they react.

Basically it is his unreasonable and totally self-centered habits and attitude that are one problem, his father sounds like another, from the past.

Your post has basically talked about struggle and you trying to help as you can. Apart from medical support what else is there for you? You mentioned re-marrying at one time. Are you together still? Is there anyone you can be yourself with, speak frankly to and who will want to support you?

This Forum is a large place with many who have PTSD, depression, have problems with ex's, children and just about anything you can think of. It might help to have a browse around firstly to see you are not alone and then perhaps to see how others may have coped.

I do hope you continue to come and post here

Croix

[Cassa]

Thank you Croix, my second husband we have been together now for 27 years. I am so lucky he is a truly beautiful man. He is so supportive, my gp and psychiatrist has a great deal of respect for how I manage my mental health. I have a number of supportive friends as well. My clients love to see me when I visit. I am hurting at present that my son could lash out at me when I was trying to help. That perhaps I just needed for him to think about someone else other then his self😳

[Croix]

Dear Cassa~

As you would well know computer games are a very isolating pastime, with sets of rewards that do not involve others - except perhaps other on-line participants who are basically indistinguishable to the player from the game anyway, so you end up with an antisocial person with a 'safe haven' to be in. Many years of reinforcement make for a most difficult person.

Doesn't leave much room for others I'm afraid.

Children - of whatever age - get though the chink in the armor and not being loved, or even properly recognized by them is especially painful. It can be very hard not to take responsibility for their faults, even though they are complete persons in themselves.

I'm very glad your marriage worked so well, having a loving partner is pure gold (I have one too:)

Croix

[Cassa]

Thank you Croix, I appreciate your support and understanding of the issues with my son.❤️