Struggling with recent separation.

[MO2TG]

I'm at a loss. Struggling through a separation that was not my choice. 22 years together and my husband won't consider counselling. Very black and white in his attitude. Said he has unhappy for years and feels nothing but used. Now it's his turn to do what he wants. He's done with me, the kids and helping others. He moved out but what I thought was a spring clean was a getting rid of stuff because he was leaving. It's like he's already dealt with it yet I'm just at the beginning.
We had I thought a healthy sex life, team work and great friendship. Going through life together getting ready for more time together as the kids are older teens now.
At first I thought the anger was issues with his work and I picked up the slack in our relationship.
He has held onto every one of my flaws and thrown them in my face from the last 20 + yrs. Obviously has harboured a lot of resentment towards me.
I'm a mess, now when I try to talk to him it's just a barrage of emotional abuse. A complete change in personality. No affection completely withdrawn from me. It hurts. I feel that he has an underlying mental health issue like depression. There plenty of indicators and risk factors. It has been a difficult 2 yrs for family reasons but I was blindsided by this.
Now when i do see him I get so anxious because I don't know what to do anymore.
I try to keep busy. The loneliness is at times unbearable. I give myself pep talks. I talk to my family. I'm stuck in my old life while he is making a fresh one. He does not share info or include me which is to be expected but it's hard. I'm surrounded by memories.
But not ready to make changes. I'm waiting and I know it's unhealthy but I'm not ready to give up.
 

[MO2TG]

Hi Carlsland
I've thought it could be a.lot.of things...mid life crisis, decreasing hormones, depression etc
Its Been a rollercoaster.
He seems better when we have contact lately.
But I have made steps to secure my future , I need to keep moving forward. He needs to continue to work on himself, he has a long way to go....

[florean_fortescue]

Hey MO2TG's,

The stuff you wrote resonates strongly with me. I've recently been blindsided myself by my wife saying that she's not sure she still loves me and has apparently been unhappy for quite a while. It really, really sucks. I stumbled across the beyondblue forums this morning and while it sounds bad that to say that other people's struggles are making me feel better, there is something healing about knowing others have/are going through the same thing so thank you for sharing your story/progress, one day I'll have to write my own.

I don't recall what the etiquette post said we were meant to write when well wishing, but I hope you continue to have the strength to put one foot in front of the other and continue on your journey through this trying time.

[MO2TG]

florean_fortescue thankyou.
I hope you are well. I just realised I hadn't replied. I was going over.my old posts to try and get perspective again.i feel a range of emotions that revolve in a circle , positivity motivations sadness anxiety. Mostly I try not to think to much and just perform tasks at hand. Day to day week to week.
I miss sharing a life with someone.
Continue.to work on myself trying to work through it.
How's your journey/ situation

[Miss_Missy]

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your separation. I read your post and can identify completely. I recently separated too, completely blindsided I don’t know what to do or where to from here.

I know for all of us this pain won’t last. Emotions are never constant. We will get through this.

Being separated is difficult and lonely. I just wanted to let you know there are many of us in the same situation.

[24J88K]

So sorry to hear some familiar stories. I hope everyone is healing.

I am in the second month of a surprise separation from my wife of 22 years. Leading up to this break, I can only describe our marriage as the most amazing, fulfilling relationship I could have ever hoped for. We have a young daughter and up until now, what I thought was an amazing an fulfilling life across all aspects. Then a month ago, my wife asked for a break and completely withdrew from me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, the anxiety, depression, loneliness, feeling hopeless, scared - it has just been awful. I have recently started a round of anti-depressants as I find it so difficult to cope day to day. Though I do have bright moments, which sometimes last for hours. The worst part though is waking up every morning - that is the worst, lowest part of my day.

She says she needs a break, to figure things out, to see who she is without me - her own person. She says this is a separation and not a divorce, but I can see the writing is on the wall. She wants to make our bank accounts separate, she has taken off her wedding ring, the parenting of our daughter has a very distinct "individual" style now. We basically don't parent as a unit, rather she goes out with mum, then does things separately with me.

The hardest part for me is that I am dying inside which I have expressed to her, but she is just totally "normal". No emotion, going about her day like all is fine and going out a lot. She is not coming home a few nights a week, staying over her friends houses, which basically gives me anxiety. I feel there might be another person involved, maybe not in the sense that she has been unfaithful, but maybe someone she is interested in and will move on with once this separation ends in divorce. That would make sense why it's such an easy (seemingly) process for her at the moment.

I am trying to stay positive, I still exercise daily, I go for walks, I try to work as best I can - but work is suffering somewhat as I have no motivation. It all seems meaningless.

My big concern is what will the future look like? Financially, a divorce will be awful. I also fear that to find someone else one day will be difficult. One month ago I was the happiest bloke alive, I still wonder in amazement at what on earth happened.

Enough rambling from me.

I wish everyone here who is struggling the best of luck. Stay strong.

[Brisso]

Mate, this group is here to help so please feel all is not lost. I'm at the start myself and can identify with what you are feeling so please know you are not alone. Talk to friends and family, share the pain as they will want to help you. i have confessed some of the most embarrassing things I have done to my Mother in her 70's and my Sister and the sharing has brought us closer together. People will help.

You can't think too far into the future, you need to focus on every day. Every morning practice some gratitude - think of 3 things you love and make you feel good, it can be as simple as My Daughter, the bowl of ice cream I had last night and my friend at work who makes me laugh, do that, meditate, breath and take cold showers every day and it will help. Sounds too simple but as a non-believer, it works! We're with you.

[MO2TG]

Hi
Its a tough time definitely.
Grieving...its something to process and is so diverse.

If she has asked for space, give it.
Get out of the house and do something for yourself. Plan something for every weekend.
Show that u are an independent person in your own right.
For now just focus on the hour or the day and getting through it. The what ifs are just that. Don't look to far in the future of what might be.
Be you, be healthy, maintain good communication skills and resist reaching out for what's not going to be there.
I made blunders along the way 2 steps forward, several more backwards
Im still sad about him leaving,I feel angry at times that I never got a fair go at working on it. But I did the best I could. I was patient and loyal. I am now just starting to socialise outside of family and close friends Covid didn't help.
I still find that I need to plan one thing each weekend to do, or they are to long by myself . I'm a work in progress taking my time. I am happy and at peace with who I am.
You will get there. Glad u reached out. It plain sux, no doubt about it.

[white knight]

Please Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

[24J88K]

Thanks guys, appreciate the kind words and support. Hope you're all well, also.

[9090]

I am new to this forum and am two months in to my separation after 12 years and one child. Needless to say my world has been turned upside down on all levels. I have already found it comforting to read the posts in this section. I think I just want o feel that I am not alone and that there are others out there who are also dealing with the intense and exhausting grief and loss that comes with such a brutal change in the trajectory of your planned life. It is lonely and losing my child for 50 percent of the time is one of the worst pains I have ever felt. His father is a great Dad having said that but has stopped communicating with me except in a transactional way. Do others have children, and how are you supporting them through this? I can only imagine what it looks like from his side, trying to make sense of this adult world.