Struggling to support my long term partner with mental illness

[Sigma123]

I have been with my partner for over 6 years and unfortunately she is diagnosed with a mental illness condition. I had educated myself, understood and supported my partner as best as I could. For the first 4.5 years of us dating, including living together, overseas trips, planning our future together (family, career), and being engaged. There has been zero issues with her mental condition for those 4.5 years. She was controlled with the chance of coming off medication in the coming months.

In late 2022, unfortunately from intense work stress and she had a series of psychosis. I supported her during this time as she was aggressive to me and her family. I accepted that this damage was out of character, and posting radically on social media had permanently scarred us as a couple.

Early 2023, she had reached out and she was "normal" once more, in which we rekindled our relationship. I wanted to know what happened and how to help her, in which a new team of psychatrists advised me of her new recovery plan. We both received judgement for getting back together, despite my partner having no symptoms however with increased anxiety from embarrassment. Later in 2023, we moved back in to together.

I had an sick week in October 2023, and my partner was with her family during the week. I only saw her at night time, it was obvious she was showing symptoms. Her family and I knew she required emergency medicine however it was too late. It was confusing as her family removed my furniture from our place without communicating whilst she was in hospital. I accepted this was the final nail in the coffin. My mental health had personally burnt out as I was keeping everything afloat (career, finances, businesses).

Now in March 2024, my partner reached out wanting to get back together again and there is a new diagnosis. I love her, and I feel horrible for her having to suffer. Her turbulent nature when going through the episodes scares me for her health and safety. I advised her that she must focus on her recovery, as do I foremost. She is aware that she must take her condition seriously, as she cannot live long term in denial of her condition.

My family would be protective of me due to the visible mental health damage and trauma I faced for years. I am unsure what to do as her diagnosis constantly changing, and whether there is a controllable end result. My mental health has gone into shambles and all I want is for the both of us to be healthy and follow our dreams together.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

We had a couple as friends. My wife had known the female for 20 years and she had a controlled mental illness. Then suddenly without warning she went off her meds and became toxic. We had to split with them, it wasnt a nice experience.

Due to that and my knowledge base having grown over the 10 years here I'm of the view that, sadly, many mentally impaired people do not become the stable person we all strive to be. It is also difficult for us with these mental health issues to prove that we are stable because we pledge it with promises and good intentions and the only proof is time and sadly again, it often proves we cannot hold our promises because even with the correct diagnosis we could have cross over illnesses that are not covered by the main diagnosis hence not the meds. eg At 68yo I was diagnosed with anxiety 1987, ADHD 2003 (incorrect diagnosis), bipolar2 and dysthymia 2009 and this January high functioning Aspergers on the Autism spectrum. The Aspergers, once researched adds up and explains my fears and challenges I've had all my life.  It's a prime example.

So that gives you an idea of the complexity of mental illness. Your partner will not be able to guarantee stability. 

If you decide to pursue the hope  in your damaged heart then there is one avenue to try. Acceptance and insight is needed whereby you accept that your partners challenges are permanent plus she acknowledges that being committed to her mental health, to make sure she minimalises her symptoms by ongoing professional care and treats you not as the demon in her life but also the victim as a carer, you might be able to find some peace.

Unfortunately this is less than likely judging by her (and her family's) reactions. You cant expect to remain the victim of such changes in mood and upheaval. 

Sometimes there is revelations that come along i.e. my recently told of my Aspergers has made a lot of sense to my sensitivity of noise, stress, fear of crowds, even living with my lovely wife, and hence attending a psychologist two things have happened- I've realised why I am that way and she has realised also and made adjustments because she knows now my behaviour of intolerance isnt my fault, unintentional reactions. The appointments have been a big plus in our marriage. 

But alas, we have insight and acceptance.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Sigma123

Tony offers sage advice regarding the possibility that the challenges may be ongoing, for a variety of reasons. The question then becomes 'Am I or will I be prepared to help us both through the challenges when they arise, based on whatever trigger comes up?'. Seeing we can face a lifetime of occasional triggers, the challenge becomes twofold, 1)identifying the triggers or potential triggers whenever they arise and 2)managing them through whatever means necessary. Of course, hard to predict the future and possible triggers that may arise. They can come in a variety of forms such as with sudden unemployment or financial struggle, managing pregnancy or miscarriage or raising children, extremely challenging people and situations that we've never come across before, extremely low energy levels for one reason or another etc etc.

Tony also mentions the nature of a person, which is so important to consider. A person's triggers can be based on their nature. For example, it's in my nature to feel deeply. So, if I'm facing a depressing or potentially depressing issue, I can feel the issue deeply in a number of ways. Certain issues will naturally become depressing for me and, based on my nature, I can tell you for a fact I will face depressing periods in my life in the future with the question becoming 'How will I manage them, for my own sake and for the sake of people around me, including my 18yo son and 21yo daughter?'. For example, with my mum being in her 80s and in poor health, she also happens to be one of my closest friends and supports in life. When she passes, I will feel her absence deeply, in so many ways. With Tony mentioning his sensitivity to sound (something my son can relate to), it's natural that he's able to feel sound, therefor he has to manage what he hears/feels. Based on your partner's nature, what is she able to feel in the way of positive and negative triggers? Can she feel a tipping point with stress? Can she feel the impact of her inner dialogue or other people's words? Can she also feel sound or feel what she can smell for example, like with the smell of calming or aggravating perfumes or aromas?

I think a large part of mental health comes down to gradually coming to know our self better as we go along. Coming to know our triggers, including how we feel our challenges (through emotions), can be a big part of self understanding. Same can be said for coming to better know or understand our partner. The thing is, our partner needs to be on the same page, when it comes to the kind of enthusiasm it takes in gaining a greater level of understanding. If they want no bar of it (developing and evolving through greater understanding), we're pretty much on our own in the relationship.

While some people can develop over weeks or months or years, sometimes they need a break from a relationship in order to significantly develop during that time. I suppose you could ask yourself whether your partner's had enough time to develop to the point where it doesn't impact your mental health. What level or degree of self understanding has she gained during your time apart? If the answer is 'Virtually none', then I imagine the relationship will return to reflect a number of unresolved issues. I suppose you could also ask 'If her family is full of triggering members, could time apart from you (someone who may have offered her relief from them in the past) have worsened things?'. Who or what would you say stresses her, depresses her or angers her the most? Is she more a soulful kind of person than anything else and she's not getting a soulful sense of guidance that she could be after? Is it purely psychological guidance? I wish it was so much easier for you than what it is, this incredible challenge you both face.

[Sigma123]

Thank you for your warm welcome and reply! Similarly to yourself, when I first met my partner when I was 23 years old and now I am in my 30s and go figure for my partners age, I was initially told that everything was controlled and that she would be off medication.

Our lives in our mid 20s were completely normal until she seized her medication and became toxic to myself, her family, and her friends who were unaware of her mental illness. I have educated myself as much as I could upon the diagnosis, following peer-review papers and any other medical opinions and advice. The issue for myself is as you said, this is very early on in our lives despite our relationship and the complexities behind mental illness has yet to be shown or if they will advance in variables of age.

I have fought hard for us two, and her family has been protective of herself and understands the complexity I had to go through. When she is "normal", she is my best friend and lover without any doubt. Being a carer last year put things into perspective, despite the both of us having intense and demanding careers and hobbies, the caring aspect and component was not realised until I had to do some "tests". This isn't to play a game, as an example I noticed I was always washing all the dishes and cleaning despite us living together for 3 years. Suddenly it took over 5 days to see the pile of dirty dishes that could had been easily been cleaned. This example was to see whether I was the one who started to do all the normal household chores instead of us collaborating. I told her about my concern and she shrugged it off. That is when I understood my role as a carer fully and the extra commitments I had to make.

I believe that I have tried my best to make the peace when my partner returns to her "normal" state, but a lot of damage has been inflicted. Damage such as her making irrational phone calls to tell people irrational thoughts regarding myself, and the random people are are unaware of her mental condition. I was called by the Police for false claims whilst my partner was in a psych ward with her mobile phone. There was a tone of irrational and radical social media posts that is outside her personality that potrayed her family and I, in a negative light of what is truth or fiction. This reached to my professional workplace, social circles and friends.

Your last paragraph does bring hope to me. I have been there to help her and myself make adjustments with her psychologist in 2023.

When there an episode occured (I have only experienced two), I am put into survival mode to sololy manage all of our shared commitments (finances, career, other commitments etc). From the October 2023 episode, her family had took away all of our possessions, and all of our furniture with no consent or warning they would enter our house leaving me with no furniture, or a bed to sleep on. Her family did not communicate to me and ignored my calls and messages.

My partner acknowledged in March 2024 that her family shouldn't of taken away our furniture as the furniture was put in storage and was not used. I had offered my assistance to her parents, noting I also had the Power of Attorney. I was ignored and not provided for hospital updates, the random act of taking away all furniture and no-one communicated. I had to buy all new furniture with assistance from my family and friends within a week. The October 2023 scenario would be something I would not want to see repeated for my own mental and physical health, and career.

The reaction by her family was extreme, and I understand the desire to protect their daughter, but they failed to understand I was her carer and partner. My family would be protective of me as a result of these scenario's. 

I will explore the medical diagnosis as she advised me moving forward as a partner, best friend, carer and social level. I do wish that all parties (family, friends, myself) had clearly communicated with the desire to assist my partner rather than being reactionary. This is the doubt I have in my head moving forward, at least at this early stage.

[Sigma123]

I figured to provide likely the last update to this scenario and romantic relationship with my former partner. It is common for her to not process things, and quickly react to situations. We slowly managed to rekindle our relationship however she expressed her disappointment and questioned whether I was "serious" in our relationship. She did not understand or show empathy that I was completely burnt out. I'm picking up the things that make me happy as the primary focus to recover from various aspects of my personal life that were greatly affected such as my career, finances, family and friends.

She wrote me a letter in which I wish I did not read. She had admitted that she verbally called and told our property manager for our rental property that I had SA'd her in order for her to get out of the lease in October 2023 whilst she was in hospital. She had blamed me that I kept her away from her friends whereas she struggled to communicate when she was out without myself knowing where she was more than 12+ hours as to text, or call me as it was "exhausting". 

There was a load of accusations in which I will accept that was her perception. I am furious about her not admitting that she lied to say that I had SA'd her in order to get out of a lease agreement. I did not respond to her letter and I kept a copy and showed my family. I proceeded to call her in a calm tone, and expressed that I am disappointed in reflection letter with the allegations. She was defensive saying that she only wanted to end our rental lease without communicating to me. She did not show any responsibility, accountability, or empathy for her lying. I wished her all the best in the future and for her family, and I blocked her on all communication channels.

I am not heartbroken and only frustrated as I had hope that she would understand the damage to my mental health. She did not see eye-to-eye on that I was burnt out and I could not keep up with the pace of being fully in love, espicaially after her admitting allegations against myself.

I hope that my experience is not the same for everyone else, I gave it my best shot. I decided to priortise my mental health first and foremost.

[white knight]

Hi,

When it comes to lying to achieve a cause then IMO that person enters the toxic zone. This only endorses your ultimate view that you have gone through a lot of trauma and need to re-establish yourself and move on. Any communication with her will produce trauma now so you have learned and will flourish.

All the best

TonyWK

[Sigma123]

Thank you for your original post on the thread too for your story and insight.

I completely agree that entering the toxic environment and admitting the problems that caused trauma to myself without apologosing, and justifying her actions. It is near impossible to earn any form of trust back. We had shared financial obligations and responsiblities that she was trying to escape without any attempt of communication to myself individually. I had carried the extra burdens with no support.

As I had not mentioned the diagnosis, she was originally schizophrenia and had it changed now to schizoaffective disorder. In October 2023, she had admitted that she stopped taking her medication which caused the snowball affect. Her letter was not a form of closure, but it confirmed that as you had originally stated, my former partner did not understand what a carer sacrafices.

I appreciate the support, and I will be able to move on and re-establish my life. This will be my last post on this topic!