Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

[Tonyh]

So I have an adult stepdaughter who is 20 and living with us, everyday I come home from work I find plates and mess left around the kitchen. I am forever asking her nicely to clean up after herself only to be met with attitude and anger. I keep telling the missus and she says well ask to to clean it and I try to explain that its not getting anywhere and can she talk to her. The problem is im not sure anything is getting said as it still keeps happening. Lately she has been parking behind my car in my driveway purposely blocking me in even though I left her space to park beside me. The comments and attitude im getting is almost making life not worth living there. If it weren't for my 9 year old daughter I'd move out as I am at my boiling point with this crap cause i just wanna have some peace in my life but there is always something that pisses her off and the whole house has to know it apparently. What's really frustrating is that my partner is always being nice about everything with her which makes me feel like she is nurturing her attitude and giving her the idea that she can keep doin it. What the hell am I supposed to do? My lil girl is always coming up to me asking if im ok as she can clearly see this is affecting me. Anyway any advice would be very helpful now because I feel like im supposed to just live with this crap. Thanks for your time 

[quirkywords]

Tonyh
thanks for your post. Living with a step child can be tricky.
I have a few questions.
is the nine year old daughter yours and your partners or yours. 
how long  have you been in your stepdaughters life and how long has she been living with you?

it sounds like your daughter is testing you. Does she have relationship with her  dad.

I think stepdaughter needs her mum to explain what behaviour is expected of her. If her mother won’t talk to her it is hard on you as it seems stepdaughter does not seem to take notice of your requests. 
can you explain to your partner when her daughter ignores your requests.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Tonyh,

Let me reassure you that it’s not just step children who do this… my 27 year old son is still living at home and he is awful to live with. The mess this one person makes and never cleans! 

Of course we live like we are walking on eggshells around him and at times we want to scream at him to get him to wake up or move out, but we don’t! 

It’s absolutely not easy living with adult children as in my generation we were expecting to move out or contribute to the household, which we did.

Are we getting soft on our children or are we always mindful of their mental health? While causing ourselves stress and despair over these issues.

It’s frustrating and I think she’s being disrespectful to you and your home life. I know my own son has absolutely no respect for our home.

I can’t tell you what to do but when either my husband or I have had stern words with our son, he pulls his head in a bit and does at very least stack the dishwasher for example.

We have even resorted to offering to buy him an apartment just to get him out on his own, but refuses to consider moving. Being the type of people that we are, we won’t kick him out either.

Your wife must take this seriously as I am sure it’s putting a strain on your relationship too.

Dont pick up after the step daughter and leave the mess for your wife and maybe she too will tire of the mess. 

Good luck. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Scared]

That would piss me off too.

The problem is with your partner as I see it.  You are being undermined by her.   Also if you try to discipline the step daughter yourself it would do no good if your partner protects her.  You need to have it out with your partner once and for all discussing what discipline actions you are allowed to measure out and what your not allowed to do.  There needs to be a clear line on this.  I would use words to your partner like "  is this what you want your child to learn by taking no responsibility "  or " you dont want your daughter to learn this negative behaviour"  .  Ask your partner why she doesnt want to be a role model or support this blended family.   This is a really hard problem and I find I dont like this step either.  Maybe some women on here can help more than i can.   Some smart ladies on here.