So angry

[Purple4]

I am so angry and confused.

A few hours ago my 22yr old daughter called be upset and confided that she has been having a sexual relationship with her therapist.

I told her that her therapist has betrayed her trust and that she needs to report him. She thinks she is in love with him.

I asked her to call beyond blue for and unbiased point of view. She just finished telling me that the beyond blue person she spoke to said that this was ok as it is mutual.

Seriously is this true?

I am furious, angry, sad, hell I feel so helpless right now

[Guest909]

G'day Purple

I'm not trying to be argumentative or hurtful; I'm trying to be constructive. The blame game helps no-one; it will destroy you if you are not careful.

I hope you find peace!

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Purple4 - I can see that you've gotten so much support from around the forums but I thought I'd just jump in as well.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughters relationship with the therapist. I feel really angry just reading all these threads. Your daughters therapist has an obligation to provide a safe space and a therapeutic relationship. This is his role and his role only.

Even though I can see your daughters perspective that her bond and connection are real, at the same time it's a complete betrayal. There's always a power differential between a therapist and a client and the therapist abused that completely.

My worry too is that because he's taken advantage of his role with her, does that mean that your daughter is 'the exception'? Are there other clients he sees romantically? This isn't a question for you of course but perhaps something your daughter needs to think about. I think you mentioned in one post that she 'knew it was wrong', so that's the opening there.

Mr Paul - I do appreciate your good intentions in trying to help Purple4, but I actually think this is one of the very few situations where the 'blame game' is helpful and very very important. Even if all of this was in fact heresay, it still matters and we all need to talk about it and act on it.

rt

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Purple4

Sending you support today, please try to be kind to you, you are going so much in this journey with this whole situation and I can hear how exhausted and devastated you are. Maybe a cup of tea in the sun might be as much as you can manage today, but might just be something to recharge.

This next paragraph is for your daughter in a hope she is still reading this:

Dear Purple4's daughter: while I don't know your name, I feel like I want to reach out to you. You have read the threads, you can see what total strangers with a non bias view are saying about this situation. Firstly I am sorry if in anyway you feel attacked or judged...this is not our position, we are here to care for your mum in what is a horrendous situation for you and your family. I know you can see how much your mother is trying to help, she may not be getting it right and you might feel attacked and like you have no support, sometimes as mums we get it wrong too, and our love and frustration at a situation comes out as yelling, judgement and anger..I think you can read here that your mum is trying to help, she loves you to the moon and back and I know you don't want to hear this but this situation is not right, it is not healthy and I am questioning if it is love. Why??? Well because any doctor who has an ounce of integrity knows VERY WELL the boundaries of their role. Sure, they are allowed to have feelings too and if this was genuine he should have mentioned and addressed these feelings with you, ended the professional relationship and taken things VERY SLOWLY and VERY CAREFULLY. I see your mother has said that you did have a sexual encounter whilst in session....I don't have to comment on that, you can see this does not fall within the boundaries of the professional relationship. I also want to ask you if you know if you are the only one? Is he also having these "relationships" with others?? We will never know and this is alarming. Also has he done this before and is this who he is..a person who takes advantage of a vulnerable person who is hurting to get self satisfaction...you are worth soooo much more than this. Sure it feels like love, can I ask if this was how your previous relationship felt, with love and trust? You have experienced love and trust before, fall on those things you do know. Please take some time to be kind to you, this is so very hard and painful, but it can end today and we can be here for you too.

Huge hugs to you both

Sarah xx

[Guest909]

Hi rt

I don't disagree with anything that you, or others have said. The same thoughts have also crossed my mind.

To my way of thinking, there are two facets to this problem. On one side we have the client therapist relationship and the "possible" breach of ethics; on the other side, there is a strained mother-daughter relationship. The two issues are related, but they are most likely different issues.

The first facet will resolve when and if a formal complaint is lodged against the therapist by Purple's daughter.

The second facet will require a "calmer mind". Purple's daughter is an adult and should be treated as an adult. In time, she will act when she is ready. The "blame game" will not rebuild this relationship.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Mr Paul,

Thank you for your reply.

Sure, that makes sense. I haven't really seen any part that Purple4 has a strained relationship with her daughter but that could be every possibility. My only thoughts so far is that the relationship is a bit tricky right now because of what's happening.

What I don't see is the idea that Purple4's daughter isn't actually being treated like an adult. The relationship with a therapist is incredibly damaging to every party (even the therapist) and I think it not only makes sense but it's really important to try and bring light to this relationship. I would hope that anyone anywhere (even myself) would have someone to confront me about this if it was happening to me.

I also don't see any blame for Purple4's daughter either, although I'm not sure if this is what you are referring to. A relationship with a therapist (no matter how it started/who instigated it) is always always the responsibility of the therapist.

I hope that this makes sense, and I'm really glad that we are having a productive conversation about this. What I want the most is to offer Purple4 enough support so that she can get through this situation since this is her priority.

rt

[Quercus]

Hi Purple4 (and all reading or posting too),

How are you holding up today?

It might sound silly (seeing as you've good reason to feel distrustful of therapists right now) but do you think you might find it reassuring to visit a professional yourself to talk?

It has been on my mind. I was always afraid of going to a therapist of any kind because of the man I mentioned before. I figured if he could end up working as a therapist after hurting me why would I risk trusting any therapist?

When I finally decided to try it helped me enormously. He reassured me and took my concern seriously. It also helped to talk about things that I felt helpless and powerless about.

It's understandable that your daughter feels upset. I know my family were hurt that I chose to write in a public space also. I told them the truth... That anything I choose to write I am willing to say to their face.

It's so important to reassure your daughter that these forums are anonymous. BB is extremely protective and careful of this. Being anonymous allows people to feel able to speak who might not anywhere else.

You are distressed. You need to talk to someone and this is somewhere you felt safe to. I hope she can try understand why you need this.

If information you post risks making you identifiable any member can click report post.

And above all... Noone is here to judge. Whatever your daughter or yourself decides to do is your own business. We are simply here to give you support and a place to talk it through.

❤ Nat

PS Aaronsis made an important post... If your daughter needs a space to talk too she is very welcome on the forums as well.

[Guest909]

Hi Romantic

My apologies; I was referring to the blame-game between Purple and the therapist. Understandable, purple is feeling distressed by what has or is happening. Unfortunately, that distress is spilling over and causing a rift between purple and her daughter; which I no ways serves anyone's interests.

Purple,

If things are as bad as you say they are, your daughter will need you. You won't be able to help her if your emotions are out of control. You won't be able to help her if you and your daughter are not on good terms. Once you and your daughter are on good terms, you can tackle the problem together. At the moment that is not happening! Clearer minds are required.

[Purple4]

My daughter and I do Not have a strained relationship.

You have mentioned this several times. Of course this situation is causing issues but our relationship is not strained.

[Purple4]

Sarah I want to give you the biggest hug. Thankyou. Thankyou for caring xx

[Purple4]

Hello to all that have commented or are just reading.

Let me clear up a few things. My daughter and I have a very good relationship. Yes things are difficult right now but we are talking and she knows how much I love her. I believe I am treating her as an adult. Of course I want to jump in and save her but that is not what my daughter wants.

We chatted just before very calmly about everything. I will never change my mind about this man and want him reported to enable a full investigation. I worry about how many women he has done this to before and how many he will continue to.

My daughter believes she is the only one. I dont. I have told her that. She is so worried about this man getting into trouble and is protecting him.

I have told her that she needs to look after herself. I have asked her to think about the reasons she needed therapy in the first place and to focus on that. This man had no right to take advantage of her.

We have very open conversations and are discussing things daily. This makes me hopefull.

As to how I am feeling, well I am in denial. I say to myself, I cant do any more than I have. Then the guilt hits me. How can I just do nothing, what about the damage he is causing my daughter, how many others has he hurt. So I push it to the back of my mind and focus on work so I can get through my day. I am waking up a lot during the night as this guilt and worry never leaves me.

Reading the posts tonight has made me feel so cared for. I asked my daughter if she was still reading and she said she has been. I certainly hope she read the letter from Sarah.

At the moment I dont have the energy to do any more. Ive told my daughter that she should be the one to report when she is ready to do so. I will always support her but I won't push her to do it. All she has to do is tell me his name and I will do the rest.

I feel it will give her a sense of closure if she reports. She can then begin to heal.

I am rambling now I think.

Please know that I am so very greatful of everyone for all the support and advice given. I hate to think of how I would be without this forum.

I have also told my daughter that she is so welcome to join in.

Sending you all thanks and love.