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Simply put, I don't know who I am anymore...

DazedforDays
Community Member

Hello, firstly this forum is a great way to realise it's not only you. sometimes I get so caught up in myself, it's utterly ridiculous.. I annoy myself !

I moved to Australia 7 Years ago on the search for what made me tick, what made me happy... When I arrived I was told (from a Pap smear I had at home) , that I would need surgery... During this time I met a guy, very outgoing, confident, good job, funny, we clicked and he helped me through that scary time, I felt scared and vulnerable in a new country on my own dealing with such a big thing.

We stayed together, it was great, he took me everywhere, showed me this country top to bottom!

Fast forward a few years, we are married (pushed forward for Visa reasons) , we barely talk, we have seperate lives, I have changed he hasn't, not that that's a bad thing, but I feel we are so different! he has helped me so much with my anxiety, but I also feel he may be fuel to it also! We handle situations VERY differently, we talk to people very differently, neither of us have clear goals of what we even want.

I feel very lost, I have bad social anxiety which after counselling realised it usually flared up because of him as he is very loud and crash.. Rude jokes, bad mannors etc. this sent me into overdrive worrying about what people thought of us. Now we rarely socialise together as I can't deal.. I go quiet and introverted.

Lately I have been questioning our relationship a lot, also wether I want to live here or move home. I am totally lost, I don't want to blame the relationship as it was so good before. I need guidance on what to do.

I feel like I have lost myself and my personality. I am a total nark to him, always whinging! That just isn't me! I hate it!

I can't tell if it's me or the relationship. I don't know what to do to find myself again, to have a clear head and focus.

I do yoga and exercise every day to keep my anxiety as level as possible.

Gahhhhhh!!!!

Sorry for the long read.

6 Replies 6

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Dazed for Days,

Sorry to read your story. I could have written some of it myself! Over the years my husband and I seem to have drifted apart. I have decided to hold on to the good bits of our marriage and to try to enjoy the rest of my time how ever I can. (Reasonably and responsibly-I am not talking about extra relationships with guys!)

Is it possible for you to get away by yourself for a weekend so you can really think about how you are feeling, or at least to give your mind and heart a rest from the relationship?

I occasionally take myself out for the day or for a weekend. It does me the world of good. I really like the beach so usually head there. My husband dislikes the beach with a passion. It is easier and more enjoyable for me to go there by myself. I have a good time and my husband can enjoy some time at home by himself.

Are you still attending counselling? If so is that helping? Have you tried contacting "Relationships Australia" they may be able to recommend some couples counselling.

It may help to make a list of things you like about your husband and your relationship and things you don't like. Think of ways you can change the things you don't like.

Hopefully some of this may help! This forum is a great place to share how you are feeling and to gain help and advice from people who may be going through similar issues.

Look up some of the information available here as well. There is also a phone help line you can ring if you need to chat with someone. The number is 1300 22 4636.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

topsy_
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Dazed for Days,

I just wanted to share with you how I tackled a similar situation.

My second husband is extremely extroverted & tells everybody everything. I'm extremely introverted & dont share a lot at all. I had to make myself understand that neither of us was wrong. Just different. And that's okay.

The people your husband is around probably have always known him to be like he is.

Also, during all the "settling in period" of our marriage (before we learnt to really communicate well) I often felt like just walking away & calling it quits.

Two things stopped me -

1. I really, really didn't want to fail at marriage AGAIN. (I know this is your first marriage so that's a bit different).

2. When I thought about it hard & got down to the nitty gritty, I love my husband. So I have stayed & fought for our marriage.

We have been married 17+ years now & we're happy.

I don't know if that helps any. I have severe depression & PTSD & my husband has schizophrenia & diabetes type 2, so we know what it's like to have to deal with flare-ups of our conditions.

One thing I was always advised by the mental health staff was not to make big decisions when you're feeling anxious & depressed.

I really do wish you well. Cheers, Lyn.

Thank You so much for taking the time to write that.

I appreciate that so much. I actually planned a trip for 3 weeks on my own. I am hoping I will gain some clarity from it. I can feel so very different when I am not around him, creative, fun, happy, but not always.

I need to think.

Thank You again!

Thank You Lyn, it helps to read about similar situations.

I feel we still haven't learned to communicate properly and I feel as you did, like quitting!

I have felt this way a long time so I'm not prepared to just give it all up and go but I do need to do something and soon as its eating me up. I can't open up to him and feel like walls are building up around me when i am with him. I'm sure he doesn't even notice. Lol.

Thanks again, so helpful

Hi Dazed for Days,

I really like Lyn's reply to you and have taken on board some of what she has said. Especially this bit

"I had to make myself understand that neither of us was wrong. Just different. And that's okay."

There is no way I can make my husband be the person I desire him to be, but I can work on myself to make more of the person I want to be!

Regarding your trip away for three weeks, is there an opportunity for your husband to join you for a weekend of that time?

That is another thing I have done, gone away for a long weekend and invited my husband to join me for night, then sent him home again. It is like dating all over again. I was in a caravan park down at the beach and invited him to join me for a meal and for the evening then he went home.

Another thing that helped me was to work on things that make me happy, to not loose sight of my needs and what makes me appreciate life more. Just getting out into the garden for an hour refreshes me, even if I am just watching the chooks as they have their "free time." We have foxes!

Thanks to Lyn I will be trying to accept my husband more for who he is and will work on myself!

Bye the way, you are more than welcome to my humble input. I came to this forum in great pain and have been helped by so many. Now I try to help and support others. In time, you too may have words of wisdom to share with others.

Cheerio, hope your day goes well, from Mrs. Dools

B123
Community Member

Hello to anyone reading this,

I am having the same sort of feeling as you, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I acted so happy for my friends and family but deep down I feel like anyone I try and connect with I just let down. I have started to cry over the smallest stuff and I'm always questioning whether the world would be better with out me. less people have to worry about me and the less people that I would let down. can someone please tell me what I can do to feel happy again or to have any other emotions other then anger and sadness.