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Should I give him another chance?

Community Member

I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. I'm 19 he's 35 and has two kids they are amazing and I love them but they still don't know we are together and neither does anyone in or work places or town. That's only one issue though. 

I have caught him several times messaging other women and calling then beautiful and hot and sending them kisses and I have told him it's unacceptable and that I consider it cheating. The last time he actually did stop but now I doubting it and just thinking he's become better at hiding it? What should I do? Confront him and have him lie to my face or find loop holes because I don't know enough to catch him out. Or should I just see what happens and do more investigating? 

Anyone else with a better idea? I love him and I really want us to work but I'm getting to the point were I'm done... What should I do? 

9 Replies 9

Community Member

Hey Newbie

I'm assuming you live in a small town? And you work with your boyfriend? Is there a reason why no-one knows your in a relationship with him? Does he not want his children to know? What happened to the mother of his children? And what was your BF's reaction when you asked him to stop texting other women?


Ultimately no-one can tell you what to do. You have to do what feels right. I suspect he's not taking your relationship seriously and you deserve better. You're 19 years old. You're too young to be caught up in his BS player activities. Either ask him to be honest about what he wants from your relationship and tell him what you expect, or simply leave. It's sounds like you've already made your mind up...

Yes, yes, and no one knows because we work together only just recently, and don't want people to think he's why I got the job? 

He separated from his wife and we started dating very soon after that and I understood not telling the kids then as everything was raw but he still thinks it will be too hard on the kids for them to know he moved on. 

He sees them every second weekend and has them in a different house on those weekends. So I don't see him every second weekend at all. 

 he said he didn't realise what he was doing was wrong and that it didn't mean anything to him, but then I caught him doing it again and he was on dating sites etc granted they did say he only wanted a friend. But I dunno....

i have told him what I want and need and he has been good the lest few weeks but I feel this anxiety all time when he away on weekends... I dunno. 

Hi Newbie, welcome

I've worked with men for 40 years. I know some are responsible and honest. Some are not. The one that aren't honest never will be IMO.

Break free and seek someone that is a soul mate, someone trustworthy all the time.

Tony WK

dear Newbie, no one can live with a philanderer, simply because they can never be honest, will tell you lies and if he is caught out then has every answer needed to get him out of trouble.
You may love him and yes he may also love you, but he loves plenty of other ladies as well, and he may have been kicked out of his marriage because he was doing exactly the same to his wife.
It would be impossible to live with him, because you are already questioning what he has done, and yes he will try and get smarter but will always be caught out. Geoff. x

Community Member

Thank you everyone for you help, I think I keep trying to defend him in my head when I read what you guys are saying 😕 

i just don't know what to do, we actually already live together and have for a long time because of his circumstances previously with his ex wife, and at first it was amazing he'd go to work id go to school and then we would both come home and then I finished school and he lost his job and we would spend every second of everyday together which I know isn't good in a relationship but it happened and I don't know I suppose he got bored and went looking for more interesting things? He has never done anything physical to cheat on me, but just they way he talks to other women isn't right. 

So you guys are saying that he can't change? Even if he's being really good now? 

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Newbie, it sounds like you are looking for excuses to stay with this man. I'm not sure what more we can tell you. Based on what you have told us, my opinion is that you are being used. Think about it: 1 and a half years together, and no one knows about your relationship. This is not how a normal relationship functions.

For me, the fact that you got together so soon after he separated from his wife is a warning sign. He wants to have his cake and eat it too: a live-in partner, and other women on tap, plus his children every other weekend. You are being used. I'm sorry. The decision of what to do next is up to you.

Community Member
Hi Newbie.  Tony, Apollo Black and Geoff have all said much the same thing here.  I'm basically agreeing with their replies.   His marriage was over when you met him, obviously so-called bf had been cheating and been caught out.  He wants the best of both worlds.  Sorry, but he doesn't love anyone but himself.  He sounds like he really has tickets on himself as he obviously knows what to say to the ladies.  He will never change, he hurt his wife, now he's hurting you.  Once he's finished with you (you will have to break it up, as he won't), he'll soon move on to the next unsuspecting woman.  He's only 'being good' because there's no 'new' woman around at the moment.  Put simply he doesn't have 'stickativity.'   'Bout time he grew up.           

Community Member
Thank you both. I have to work thing out ie a new place to live etc. I don't have any friends in the town I live in as I recently moved here so I will have to work something out and leave I suppose 

Hey Newbie

 Please understand that we CANNOT tell you what to do. We can only provide you with our varied perspectives and experiences. You have to make the ultimate decision. Maybe getting out and doing some things for yourself and looking at making new friendships is something you can do whilst making a decision about your partner? Whatever you do don't make him your life.

Boyfriend's/partners/husbands/etc are there to compliment your life, not to become your life. All the best to you 🙂