Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

[Taylah75]

I was in a 2yr relationship until 10 days ago.

In brief. He split from his marriage 3 months before we met me, his ex wife had affair with mate.

we both have kids & introduced them at the start they didn't get along and then they did. We didn't see each other much during week as I have son 12 out of 14 days and he has his one week on one week off. There was never any pressure on living with each other. We both accepted that could be something down the track when boys older. Two different kids etc. We had fun, good friendship, there for each other and on a physical level very well connected. We text and spoke every day. The last few months both had a bit going on. My friend was dying of cancer and I was there for her through her journey. Visited her in QLD. Etc and organised a wake for her in Melbourne. My boyfriend about 3 weeks ago purchased a property with large mortgage, had issues with his son and having issues with work meaning job on the line. He's been in his job only 10 weeks.

Since the purchase of his property I noticed changes which was only the past four weeks. He was becoming more angry towards me which wasn't like him to be so angry, he was putting me down about my job etc I said what is wrong with you. My head was spinning out of control. I said what is going on. He then said he can't deal with my son, doesn't want him around. I felt really hurt. He hadn't seen him for about two months.

after another chat with him on Friday just gone, Nothing was mentioned about My son. He said he hates Melbourne and people here, has done it again meaning he owns something that now owns him his mortgage. Issues with job, said initially he didn't want kids and is not enjoying having his son one week on and one week off due to son not listening or doing anything. His mum not helping or supporting him at all.

He likes control within his home

environment, doesn't like change, he is a home body and creature of habit. He gave me a hug when I left and wouldn't let me go. Sent text saying I love him and he text and said he feels like a monster.

he did say things that hurt me at the end but feel he's out of control of his life. He said he wants to be alone with no relationship and happy just him and his dog. I feel he's lashed out and not coping. Sent text Tuesday and said I do want to be there. He replied and said thanks your right I'm flat out. Just need advice if I be there or not. Is he depressed and lashed out? Do I be there

[Taylah75]

I got through yesterday without responding! Wow reading about narcs he fits the category. Can't be helped quite sad to be honest.... yes she has no interest in him so that's why he has contacted me.... oh well he won't get his supply your right he doesn't get out of his comfort zone!

Me I do all the time! At the beach now then to some friends as my son at his dads this arvo. Work tonight for some extra $$$

was surprised got a trxt

from his Mum. So I said we aren't together anymore she replied with you have a good

heart narelle and I'm very fond of you. She said no matter the situation with my "son" which tells me she knows him too well.....

hope your enjoying your day I went for a swim so feel quite calm and relaxed

merry Christmas to you and your family xx

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. I'm pleased about your response from his mum, but be a bit careful she is still his mum and she will basically side with him, I know I would. No offense to you, but we mum's tend to be a bit biased with our kids. I had a great time with my daughter, son-in-law, g'children etc. My son-in-law dressed as Santa, I had a photo taken with him. Haven't had that done since I was a kid. Great meal, fab company, wish my bf could've been here, never mind, hope to catch up with him in the new year. Narc's seldom, if ever believe they are the wrong ones, it's always everyone else who doesn't understand them. It is sad for families around them and they can turn extremely nasty if they feel they are the ones who've been hurt. My ex often made me feel I was overreacting, he would often tell me I was stupid or I was taking things personally. He frequently corrected or interrupted me. If I tried to correct or interrupt him, I was accused of not listening. I can never recall him apologizing, I did all the time. I had to, I was in the wrong, therefore I had to apologize. It took months of re-programming for me to start believing in myself. Occasionally, even now, I 'hear' him correcting me. This is PTD and I have to work on it.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Yes sounds similar.

I see more and more. I don't feel caught up in the chaos and confusion as days go by. Im sure he will keep trying to contact me. I won't reciprocate though. A text I received yesterday "work busy".... I just thought if it's genuinely someone that thinks they've stuffed up they would fight, apologise or even at least call and say I've messed up what can I do to fix this

[pipsy]

Taylah, I would suggest you start blocking him so he can't continue texting. He won't stop as he needs the constant build-up. He can't 'see' anyone but him and he believes he's done nothing to deserve you ignoring him. To him, you are overreacting and being 'rude' by ignoring him. My ex recently contacted my daughter (he is not her father), she got a fright and contacted my bf, who immediately contacted me. I chose to ignore the contact, told my daughter to do the same. I actually completely forgot about it. To my surprise, he contacted me a couple of days later. I was completely blown away, but I told him to 'get lost'. I received the usual 'guff' about rudeness in not replying etc we did lock horns about past ****. I just hung up. Six months ago, I'd have gone to pieces over this, now I just shook my head, laughed and put it out of my mind. My bf actually offered to tell my ex to 'beat it'. I love and appreciated the offer, but told him not to worry as I'm going to block him and file for divorce. My ex is my past and my future is my bf and my now life. Your ex will continue to contact you until you pull the pin.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

His mum replied back and said You have a good heart and not matter the situation with my son that won't change.

Mum assuming she knows her son to well...

i replied with hope you had a good Christmas and I have real concerns for him.

my friend who was helping him out with son before and after school said she had noticed a change since he moved more anger & aggression even towards her. She said he was more angry towards his son also and just doesn't allow him to just be a kid. Which is true. Wants to bring him up the old achool

way kids to be seen and not heard mmmm.

i have not contacted him since he sent me the text Saturday which I didn't respond. I'm sure at some point he will contact again unless his mum said something as initially he told me that he had told his mum we weren't together but seems to me she didn't even know.

[Taylah75]

I was right he text me today asking how my holiday is going as I'm away. It's hard just to ignore.

I'm assuming he's at home and he said he was going to go away etc but clearly I think he hasn't and is really not having a great time. This is the week he has his son so assuming he isn't coping to well.....

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah Sorry for the late response. I got called into work yesterday. Your bf still needs clarification of how wonderful and important he is. It's possible he told his mother you left him and he has no idea why? He has begun lashing out at your friend because no-one is praising him. He needs his son to look up to him too. This situation will continue as long as you let it. Ignoring him is difficult, because you harbour feelings towards him. He will continue 'tugging' until you stop it. Sometimes people have to get a bit 'tough' to protect themselves so they don't keep getting hurt emotionally. He will also use his mother as an emotional card to get his clarification about what a wonderful person he is. She possibly realizes he 'needs' clarification, but he is her son and she will side with him.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Your right, he still is in a bad negative head space. He's wanting to know what I'm up to for New Years etc. I engaged in small talk but haven't initiated any conversation. Meaning haven't initiated contact.

ive been living as in away and been doing heaps of good things like paddle boarding etc....

he seems to be not living....

sad really? Guess he needs to hit rock bottom & don't think he really has.

hope all is well with you

[pipsy]

Hi Taylah. I'm well and happy. Things are looking up as I've decided to initiate divorce proceedings. I've been 'on the fence' a bit with this, but made a decision after my ex contacted my daughter. My ex is similar to your ex in that he constantly needed clarification as to how 'wonderful' he was. I couldn't take any more so left at the end of 2015. I don't harbour any feeling at all toward my ex. Initially, I struggled with guilt feelings for leaving, but I'm happier now because I made the decision that was right for me.

Lynda

[Taylah75]

Hi again,

so the past two weeks I've initiated no contact. He contacted me every 3-4 days I responded short answers only. He asked what I was doing last night and I said I was going to the beach. We ended up speaking on the phone. He seemed very angry that I wasn't going to see him when nothing was even planned. He said usually you respond straight away etc.

i explained to him he initially ended the relationship. As I am no longer being controlled he seemed to get angry. He said well I have a present for you come and get the present then block my number. I don't not understand his thought process on this....

after we spoke I sent a messaging saying I don't think it is a good idea I see you as at the moment your very angry and I can't be around this.

Then he said he was going to send the present in the mail...

yes I have let go to a point as I haven't initiated contact and have now said I can be around him as he so so so angry. Especially when I've done nothing wrong.

i just don't get come and get what I bought for you then you can block my number ???