Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

Azzdog · ‎10-07-2018

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

james1 · ‎09-10-2018

Hello Aaron,

I don't want to say too much here because I think "why not use our real names?" is wording what I was trying to say a bit better.

As I mentioned before, we often have unhelpful and thoughts and generalisations which come about from real events, but which our brains use to simplify the world and people. This helps us cope and is totally understandable. Still, we need to learn how to challenge these thoughts by accepting alternative thoughts and beliefs.

It's really good that you are honest with us and tell us how you truly feel about yourself. We understand, and we want to listen because we have also had similar thoughts about ourselves. But if you also want us to give you ideas on how to improve things, then these will be confronting and difficult to believe. I know you've said that they don't make sense to you because you've just been rejected all your life, and I get that. But this is why we talk about each other's experiences. To hear "what ifs?" and to be open minded about our own lives, rather than treading the same path over and over again. Perhaps you have not had our experiences and we have not had yours, but all of our experiences are real and valid, and there is no strange law in the world that says you - specifically you - will never have a relationship..

As an example from my own life, I have a world view that basically says everybody is just using me. It's super unhelpful and that is why I am still seeing a psychologist twice a week at full cost. I do not know how to not believe otherwise, but for the sake of my relationship, I have to put my faith in my psych and my friends telling me its not true. I said before that the forum is great because there are so many different experiences and opinions - this is a really good opportunity for you to try and believe in the stories of the people who are responding to you now.

James

Azzdog · ‎09-10-2018

Sorry I should point out that dare was a typo. It should be date, I have a date on Wednesday.

I think I should elaborate, I don't think all women date jerks. But my problem is that I deeply care about where this planet is where it inhibits my ability to be more social. Sometimes I feel like what is the point in continuing? I read an article saying that there is a real risk in New York City being mostly submerged under water in 100 years due to the rise in sea levels. That article, amongst others, are what makes me feel like even if I did get a girlfriend the world would probably end soon after due to the greed and arrogance of humanity. Knowing my luck that is.

I don't think that its just jerks but its also guys who don't do anything with their lives. Some just sit around all day and seem to be content with living off welfare. Or guys who don't seem interesting. Like they have no hobbies or anything. I'm not saying this is in every relationship but gee you wonder what women see in some men.

Just because I haven't experienced it doesn't mean I'm not observant. A lot of people tend to think just because I'm quiet that means I don't take in whats around me. Like I said, not everyone can just go up to someone and talk to them and then tell them their beautiful and not come off as creepy. For some people it takes months of talking and persevering before anything remotely happens. I know you have given one example but there are a plethora of different ways it can happen. I've never had a woman tell me I'm handsome so there is no way I could tell a woman I barely knew she is beautiful. There is no catch all system. That's what dating coaches get wrong. They have a lot of success but that's only because they are only working with a certain kind of person. I prefer to get to know someone before I can date them. It took me three years to get acquainted with a friend at school to feel comfortable around him. He was staggered when I said that. There were times I had no idea what to say to him even though he thought we were best friends. I hope that makes it clearer.

I feel like its pointless because I don't think I am interesting. I've never had a lot of feedback on my personality or my looks. I keep trying because I haven't given up and I want a decent life but I am an old soul. I don't drink alcohol, I don't like parties, I prefer deep and meaningful conversations but its a fat chance you'll get that from people in my generation.

Azzdog · ‎09-10-2018

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you had chronic anxiety for 15 years and that it took 10 years to find a decent psych.

I'm not sure if mental health is given the respect it deserves. It seems vastly underfunded compared to physical health services. Orygen, the service I use, is a state government program that needs more funding. They only have 16 beds in their in-patient unit and they only see young people who live in the north western suburbs of Melbourne.

I see a psych at Orygen that I will see in private practice when I discharge from Orygen. He is a good one and I get on with him fine.

My day hasn't been to bad and I hope your day has been great as well 🙂

Azzdog · ‎09-10-2018

Hey James,

I agree, our perceptions and views on the world are all based on our experiences. We try to make sense of them and having a lot of negative experiences can mean that our views on the world appear distorted to those who have had good experiences.

I guess my issue can be on how I can't picture myself having a good experience with other women. A lot of the women I went to school with were vastly different to me in interests and temperament. I have carried this assumption everywhere I go. It is not healthy but I can't remove myself from this assumption because I don't meet a lot of women who can appreciate the fact that I take a bit of time to get used to. I'm not entertaining at first but I can be once I feel comfortable around you.

I kind of get that experience. I feel like people just use me for their own benefit and once they have gotten all they can from me they just dump me into the trash. Believe me I am trying to take your experiences on board as much as I can. My mental illness is my default setting and that makes it hard to step outside of myself and look at things with a fresh perspective.

Me saying I won't have a relationship is just based on how women respond to me or interact with me. They clearly show signs they are not interested and thats why I say they reject me before I even have a chance to express myself. I think its because they take one look at me and think I am too ugly or boring.

Quercus · ‎10-10-2018

Hi Aaron,

You've got excellent support here so I'm not really needed but as usual I have something to say 😊.

In a lot of your posts lately you mention that you "think they (women) feel ... ". It made me wonder how do you know how they feel or what they are thinking if you don't ask?

Could it be possible you're mistaking shyness or nervousness for indifference or disinterest? It is easy to do. I've learnt just asking has been the easiest way for me.

I once went on a date with a bloke I found stunning. It was awful. I was very nervous because I wondered why on earth he had asked me out. I think the term is out of my league.

He read my cautiousness as disinterest. Didn't bother to ask. Just got defensive and a bit intimidating. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with past hurts he was taking out on me.

My point... When you post asking why women go for jerks that feels the same to me. It is a put off to have someone else's faults held against you especially at the start of a potential relationship.

I hope you can consider this before your date... How to separate past rejection from the present.

How would you feel comfortable to ask her for her opinion if unhelpful thoughts come to mind?

And after all that... I hope you enjoy yourself.

Nat

Azzdog · ‎10-10-2018

Hi Nat,

The women I am referring to are the ones who were really engaging and talkative to everyone else but when it came to me they would disengage. Look I had my problems at high school but seriously it was a dramatic change in their personality.

I've always felt like asking is a sign of weakness or a sign of insecurity.

I always feel like I'm judged harshly because I'm a little shy. If you don't have a little confidence you are cast by women into the eternal fire that resides in hell. It's crap.

Sorry, I feel like death at the moment. Saw some triggers and feel hopeless.

I wouldn't feel comfortable because it's a sign of insecurity and that aint attractive

smallwolf · ‎10-10-2018

Azzdog,

Sorry to read about the triggers having a bad effect on you. Remember to engage in your distraction and coping tools? (It takes persistence, but your mind is working over time.)

I assume that your last statement about feeling uncomfortable was in relation to the question that Q raised about asking for her opinion. You believed that it would be a sign of insecurity. Possibly, but I would not think so. It is also be a demonstration of honesty and openness. And it would also be a leap of faith, in trusting the person you are talking to. These qualities are important to any relationship?

Hope it all goes well you for you,

Tim

Azzdog · ‎10-10-2018

Hey everyone,

So I went on the date and it went well. We were able to talk about a lot of things together. I didn't even bring up my musical tastes! Shock and horror I know haha

I don't want to get ahead of myself and build this up too much. It was a success but I want to make sure I keep two feet on the ground.

Aaron

smallwolf · ‎12-10-2018

Azzdog,

Hey! Good to read your last post. Like you said, I dont want to build this up too much, but could this be a turning point for you? And in that moment, were any of your previous beliefs challenged? Finger crossed for the future.

Tim

Guest_543 · ‎12-10-2018

Hey mate, I'm going to bow out of this one, I have found myself thinking about it when I should be focusing on my own stuff. Originally I was interested because going from thinking you'll die alone to having a girlfriend is something I have overcome and know a lot about. But I can see before any of that matters I would have to convince you to take advice. Now I don't expect you to take what I say as gospel, but as it is you aren't asking me how I know what I know (clarification), or to expand on it, and I can see myself getting stuck in a loop. As it is I provide a simplistic introduction to an idea, you rebuke it with negative beliefs, and add a couple more things on which makes the conversation jump ahead. I tried working on the negative beliefs, but currently you are providing reasons for your negative beliefs rather than challenging them, "I think this way because of experience." sort of thing. You're a smart, strong willed guy, I think you are always going to be able to come up with some counterpoint to what I'm saying. And I don't know any better about that than the books, and I'm worried I'm going to get frustrated.

So I'll leave you with what is going to let you get the most out of this thread, learning how your feelings affect your thoughts, and to challenge those thoughts. The CBT book by Burns about cognitive distortions and the happiness trap are great resources that may help get some separation between thoughts and feelings.

Best of luck. Great to hear you got a date. No matter what happens next with her keep in mind she found you attractive/interesting enough to date in the first place.