Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

Azzdog · ‎10-07-2018

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

Azzdog · ‎30-09-2018

See? I'm hitting another mood swing and the idea of a partner is impossible right now.

smallwolf · ‎30-09-2018

Azzdog,

Hey. I am still here. Do you know what caused this mood swing? Are you able to employ any of your distraction tools? Can you challenge the thoughts you are having? Telling yourself that it is just a thought. Or restating the negative thought with

I am having the thought that...

May you find peace, joy and happiness.

Tim

james1 · ‎02-10-2018

Hello Aaron,

Sorry it's been a while since I posted. I tend to drift on and off depending on how I am feeling myself, and I like to keep to myself on weekends.

I don't have much to add, but I am also interested to hear your answers to Tim's questions about your mood swings.

James

Azzdog · ‎02-10-2018

Hey Tim and James,

I just keep hearing of people in relationships and it makes me annoyed. Then I will hear the odd story of someone who has never been in one and thats when I get extremely depressed.

I use my distraction tools daily. They have been working of late but I do get stuck every now and then. I am stuck right now. I am trying to use that thought process you described Tim. It doesn't really work for me because it makes the thought stronger. It's hard to challenge the thoughts when you have no evidence of women ever finding you attractive.

That's fine James, only comment when you feel up to it.

james1 · ‎02-10-2018

Hello Aaron,

I have a friend whose advice and suggestions I don't always agree with, but which I think is pretty well measured and well thought out. I think I said something similar as you to him when I was really struggling with being single and he said something that everybody else had said already, but I guess something just clicked this time.

He basically said, why does your happiness and mood depend on what other people say or do? Your situation hasn't changed - why has your mood changed?

I said that it wasn't that my situation had changed, it was that hearing about others' situations reminded me of mine.

He just said it seemed like it'd be really hard to live like that.

I dunno. It wasn't advice, but he was just speaking plainly and speaking truly. It is a hard way to live, with our moods dependent on others, but while we may not have consciously chosen to live like this, we can work towards living differently.

There is no quick fix that works for everyone, and as you say, distraction tools that work for a while may not work forever. Sometimes our supports leave us when they cannot deal with us anymore. But that's why this forum is so great. We are all strangers, yet we have very similar experiences. I guess I think of it like having a diverse genetic pool - the more different experiences we have, the more we can pick and learn from each other's experiences which help address our own individual difficulties.

Or maybe that's just my odd way of looking at things

James

Azzdog · ‎05-10-2018

But there are some people who it never happens to. There are people who try their hardest but they never find a relationship, thats what we are all ignoring.

smallwolf · ‎05-10-2018

Azzdog,

Hope you are OK?

One of the problems in a space like this is that I dont really "see" you except through your writing. And that is all I can respond to. And I hope you dont mind me say this, but I am not ignoring what you say, except my hope is to look at yourself more positive light, and/or recognise what you do well?

Just on distraction tools... I understand what you mean when it said that it makes the thoughts stronger. My psychologist wanted me to read the happiness trap (a book) and in the first few chapters there were a number of suggestions to combat the negative thoughts. Not all,or many worked for me. I tried each one out, until I found one that worked for me.

I am also like (or crave) certainty (working on it!) which creates anxiety when things dont go to plan. Need to be in control. Someone I spoke to suggested beads. To make a long story short, I have rosary beads that I carry with me everywhere. For me, it is something physical that helps to ground me. I wish I could explain it better, but we all just have to find the thing that works for us?

Lastly, in previous posts you said that you have rigid views on music and "other social customs". If I met you for the first time, would you make these views known? Are a binary sort of person - yes/no, 1 or 0, all or nothing in your thinking? Can you, or do you, accept alternative view (or music)?

I hope you dont mind me asking these questions. I want to find out more and maybe in (not today) there will be a light bulb moment where things track where you want them to.

I think that weekends are hard for you, so if you need help please reach out or come here. Just remember you are just as important as the rest of us.

Tim

james1 · ‎05-10-2018

Hi Aaron,

I am not ignoring them. I am confused about why you feel like I am, as I've openly talked about it. Even in one of my earliest posts, I talked about the women who are also perpetually single. So may I ask what makes you think that I am ignoring people who are always single, in case there has been a miscommunication?

I am interested in hearing your response to Tim's question about being binary. I know I am a very binary person and my psychologist often likes to challenge me on that, since I get myself caught in mental traps with all-or-nothing statements. I find it quite helpful to consider alternative views when my own views are all negative.

James

Azzdog · ‎05-10-2018

I can quite binary on music because I am craving something that is authentic. I don't hear that in modern music. A lot of the lyrics are banal and cliche and the music doesn't seem to have the same ingenuity and dare it once had. Basically, the corporate sector has taken over modern music and forces musicians to bend to their will. They don't allow musicians to grow anymore and do what they think is right. That's why a lot of modern music is so boring and vanilla. It is a part of the dumbing down of the populace. It's the same with TV as well, a lot of the TV shows on today are so similar and have nothing that can draw people like myself into.

I didn't say that you two were specifically ignoring it, I should have been more clear. Society does and there is no room space for people like myself to fit into. Its a couples world and if you don't have one you are considered inferior. I am vastly inferior to everyone I meet because I can't break through and let people know that I am not scary, I am not intimidating. There are guys out there who treat women like crap but I'm the bad guy? I'm the weirdo, the creep who should be thrown into the trash just because I can't entertain you in the first 0.01seconds of us meeting?

I have no hope.

Azzdog · ‎05-10-2018

Women don’t even give me a shot. I do everything. I listen to what they say, show interest, ask questions, follow up the next time I see them. I express myself as much as I can.

But they never give me a shot. They always end up rejecting me and go after the losers. The guys who barely do anything with their lives and are proud of it. All because of confidence. It so overrated. Why do women fall for this? Seriously I’m doing everything I can to better myself and I keep getting rejected. These guys who are dim bulbs who cheat on their girlfriends are the ones that always get the women. Why? Because they’re confident!!! I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m clearly boring and uninteresting. There is nothing exciting about me and that is a fact. Look at all the friends I have! Look at my girlfriend! Oh what! I DONT HAVE EITHER OF THOSE THINGS