Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

And now the radio is on at work and they are casually talking about relationships like they happen to everyone. THEY DONT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE SOME OF US DIE ALONE. 

[Guest_543]

Hey mate,

I haven't read all the replies but I thought I would give my two cents.

People generally have really weird ideas about dating. It may be the one subject that the general consensus is most removed from reality. The differences between women and men are drastically exaggerated. It sounds like you have this idea of all the things you being into attracting a mate but those things matter very little. In my experience, I meet someone I find someone physically attractive, she also finds me physically attractive, we talk, do things generally everyone likes, etc

As far as being ugly you are probably not a good judge of that. I am not attractive in the general sense but lucky for me it is not binary, I only need to be attractive enough that some subset of the women I like are attracted to me, and for me to be able to tolerate (generally polite) rejections from the rest. Also women tend to be more accepting physically.

As far as talk goes don't worry about topics, learn to talk about emotion and passion, ask people what they like about what they like, how it makes them feel. She likes fishing? I don't care about fishing. When fishing she gets zen and moments pass without thought and she finds her worries subside for a while? That I can relate to, feelings are universal. Just so you know this will make you seem weird, and that's the next thing. People misjudge progress. The idea is to be you (best) self as much as possible. So anytime you act in spite of fear your winning, anytime you share yourself honestly you are winning, but it wont seem like winning. These things make people uncomfortable, and at times it's going to be awkward. But then youll meet someone and everything will be easy. So sure work on the social skills but keep in mind to some extent your trying to find someone to take you as you are, dont try to convince anyone, if they dont like you move on.

Look up mark mansons book called models, his website is good too. But it basically all boils down to:
Have faith you are loveable, until then act
Work on anxiety, by acting in spite of feelings when possible
Be open to new experiences
Try to be as open and honest about yourself as you can

And ignore the "wait and see" comments, they are meant in good faith but are misguided. Do whatever you have to do to get the life you want. I was in a very similar position as you and significant change came from ignoring conventional wisdom.

Find a psychologist that will work through this with you.

[Azzdog]

Hey man,

I know you mean well and you are new here but it’s important to let you know that I’ve covered some, or most of the points you listed.

im probably not a good judge if I’m ugly but let’s face it, I constantly get rejected or people just don’t care about anything I say. I’ve dealt with this problem since high school and no matter how much I put myself out there I get knocked back time and again. People have no time for an introvert like me. It’s not attractive in this day and age where everyone’s attention span is microscopic. Being introverted is an ugly quality.

About talking to people about how it makes them feel or talking about emotion, I’ve done that for years. Guess what? Very few people care about that when I do that. They just use me and then toss me away like yesterday’s newspaper. I do talk to people about their interests and ask them questions and why they like it and such. It doesn’t mean a damn thing to women. That’s the thing no one will ever understand. You all have no idea how hard I’ve worked over the years, I constantly get rejected but I keep ploughing on. I really don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if any woman has ever been attracted to me. That’s the thing I have no evidence for it. You see this is the thing, I have practically no experience on this issue and it makes me feel pathetic. Like one thing that makes me passionate is punk/post-punk music. Guess how many people I’ve met in my life who like those genres? Particularly women. They don’t seem to like these genres as much but it’s all I listen to at the moment.

Like I said, being introverted is looked down upon in society. Particularly in my generation where being introverted is considered a sign of being weird, creepy, or abnormal. It puts most people off talking to me because I’m not the most approachable because I’ve dealt with so many crap people in my life. I’m not someone you will instantly make a connection with but if you stick by me you’ll find out I’m someone who is loyal, funny, honest, and loving. But nope, I had to be born introverted. So that instantly makes me appear ugly to women.

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour yesterday. I had a massive episode at work and I really struggled to manage with my thoughts. Work normally brings out the worst in me but they also had the radio on in which they were talking about really triggering things. Somehow I managed to pull through, probably shows how much resolve I have.

I'm sorry to anyone who has been following this for a while and commenting. I imagine you are feeling pretty lost at the moment as to what to say. All I can say is that I probably haven't made it easy for you so I deeply apologise for my behaviour. It isn't who I am and I know I'm better than that.

Aaron

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

In this post I have one question for you...

I know that you think being an introvert has a negative connotation. And I am fairly certain that I and others have mentioned the positives associated with being an introvert. One of the qualities with being introverted can be deep thinking and you might be looking for a someone or a group or place where you can communicate with like minded people. It might be in your writing you are looking for this? Are there groups at Uni or in your community like the this? Do you think that you might find like minded people there? I am not asking you to join any such groups. But I am throwing out a thought for your consideration.

Hope your weekend went ok.

Tim

[Guest_543]

Hey mate,

I have just read all the posts in this thread and that overview has given me some thoughts. What is it you want out of this thread? If it's practical advice I can help,10 years ago I was where you are now. But I want to know if that's what you are looking for and what you are willing to do. For example, are you willing to read books like the two already suggested? I don't mind at all but I don't want to be pushing solutions in an emotional support thread.

There are a lot of things you are wrong about, I think you would get a lot of benefit from challenging your thoughts. Being wrong is a good thing because if you were right the world would be a depressing place. For instance, really only some women date jerks, and then only some of the time. Also you seem really concerned about this but what has this got to do with women dating you? I can tell you why it happens but what difference would the answer make to your situation?

Same thing - Society makes people who haven't been successful in love feel bad. Fair enough. Seems like we can work on that problem later though and just work on you for now?

There are others where you are jumping to conclusions about what women find attractive, or think about you. Check out a book called feeling good handbook by burns which is CBT to help you identify and challenge irrational thoughts.

I want to give you a model of a normal start to a relationship for me. I was at a friends party. I saw a women, I talked to her, enjoyed her company, told her she was beautiful and wanted to see her again. I was trying to get this across before but the things you think are important didn't come up. Taste in music didn't matter. Interests didn't matter. We found each other attractive, enjoyed talking to each other, that was enough. So if you are asking out a lot of women and none are interested something is going wrong but unless we look at what you are specifically doing I can't tell you what that is. But I can tell you that it's not women only like jerks, or that they have an aversion to punk music.

10 years ago I also thought I would die alone but I got past it and I think that you could too, but it's going to require you to challenge your thoughts. Let me if you are interested in doing that and if you want practical help.

[Azzdog]

Hey,

First of all to answer Tim's question, that is a good idea. I didn't find much yesterday on writing groups. A lot of the stuff I found were groups that met monthly which is not something I'm looking for. I want something more regular but I will keep looking thanks for the suggestion.

To answer Why not use our real names? I absolutely want practical advice. I am willing to look over those books when I have the time.

My thinking is this. Guys who are jerks, I think, are misinterpreted by women as confident. They don't see them for what I've seen for example. I feel like in order to have a relationship you need to be cocky, naive, ignorant, and vain. I'm not any of these things which makes me feel very inferior. Thats why its a problem because that's the kind of mindset society wants us to have. To make us forget about the corruption in politics, climate change, general apathy towards progressive change in government. They want to dumb us down with entertainment and alcohol while they destroy the world for their own benefit. Maybe if I wasn't so concerned about the future of politics I wouldn't be as inhibited and therefore more sociable.

If you managed to talk to a woman at a party without talking about interests, how do you know she's for you then? That seems a little vain to be honest. You have to trust that you are good looking enough to make her seem interested. Thats not something I can do because I have no experience on talking to women about nothing. Personality is more important than looks so I can't tell if someone is for me unless I know what they like. Maybe that worked for you but its not a catch-all system. Everyone has different strengths and mine isn't talking to women I barely know and then telling them their beautiful and I want to see them again. That would come off creepy if I did it.

I only talk to women online because I can't meet people organically. I don't approach women in person because I don't think I am attractive. Like I said, I have never had a girlfriend and women normally despise me when they meet me.

This is what happens online, we talk and everything seems to be going along really well and then all of a sudden she stops talking or deletes me. There is no reason why but it happens all the time. Thats why I think I'm repulsive and I'm boring.

I am willing to work at this but I have been rejected a lot in my life. I also know that there are people on this thread who have never had a relationship. That could still be me.

[Azzdog]

I should also add that I have a dare on Wednesday...

We will see how it goes.

[Guest_543]

Hey mate

Dont think I'm ignoring you if I dont address all your points but I really want to focus here. You are saying that in order to have a relationship you have to be a jerk (vain, cocky, etc). This seems like a rewording of the women only date jerks thought from before which is at least an over-generalisation. Do you believe that women only date jerks? Do you believe the implication that follows, that all men who have had relationships are jerks? We talking about billions of people at this point. Don't you know any men that you respect that are in relationships? I'm not nitpicking, this is important.

I'm your other point are to my questions of why does it matter? "Maybe if I wasn't so concerned about the future of politics I wouldn't be as inhibited and therefore more sociable." and then maybe not. How people think is affected by their mood. When you are happier you are likely to be less concerned about all this.

You have rather strong opinions about how a relationship starts given that you have never experienced it. I don't expect you to tell women they are beautiful, I just wanted to demonstrate how a relationship started. It isn't possible to tell if someone is for you from a conversation, although you could tell if they definitely aren't. All I knew is I was attracted to her, and I liked talking to her, and I wanted to see her again. As far as interests it wasnt so much what we talked about but how we talked about it.

I cant tell you everything you need to know in one post, I think it would take about a book. So try not to jump to conclusions. Just take it one step at a time.

It is possible that you will never have a relationship, although I think that is unlikely. Your choices at this point are to stop trying or to keep trying. Wanting practical advice implies the latter, but they way you talk implies that you think it's pointless. We need to resolve that discrepancy. The path forward is to challenge your thinking, have faith, and try. Faith being believing in something when you have no reason to.

Dare? As far as practical actions at the moment I dont think you should push yourself to do anything you cant emotionally tolerate the consequences of. From following this thread you seem to take big swings and then crash. The ideal approach is to increase your comfort zone a little at a time by doing something that makes you feel mildly uncomfortable and having a positive of neutral outcome. Having a bad experience just reinforces how you feel.

[blondguy]

Hey Aaron

I know you are doing it hard and just saying we are here for you...no worries

Why not use our real names....Smallwolf (Tim)...James1 and Quercus are doing everything they can to provide some kind support and TLC for you

Just to let you know...I used to have chronic anxiety for nearly 15 years which had morphed into depression.

I see my psychologist every four months for counseling and see (annoy) my GP every month for a 'fine tune'

Can I ask if you have a good doc that you can vent to? It took me over 10 years to find a good one!

Anyhoo...I hope you have the best day you can Aaron

my kind thoughts and great to have you as part of the forum family too!

Paul

PS...as Whynot mentioned....the dare may not be a good move Azz....Your health is paramount.......all other considerations are secondary......Just my humble opinion if thats okay 🙂