Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I think I’ll double down on this point. I feel even worse now than last night.

I feel like such a failure of a man. I feel like a deplorable person who has performance anxiety issues. I’m a terrible and disgusting person who wishes he didn’t have these thoughts.

I have no idea what to do anymore and I’ve never felt more alone than I do now. I feel completely lost and like my destiny will be to live a completely celibate life, and not via choice. Just because my brain doesn’t work properly

[woolhat]

Hi Azzdog,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with these difficult thoughts. I hear that you have a lot of worries about your future but I don’t think this makes you a bad person or any of the things you said. I can hear from your posts how much you have been trying and because of that I don’t think you’re a failure. I think since your partner is with you and if she can see how much you’re trying, she won’t think you’re a failure. Intimacy issues in a relationship can be difficult, but recognising and acknowledging issues is an important first step.

It might not seem like much at the moment but you have us on the forums, so you’re not alone. Maybe you could try keeping yourself busy and spend time with friends. If you feel up to it, you could also talk to your partner or another trusted person about how you’re feeling and what you’re worried about, to help yourself feel less alone

[smallwolf]

Hi woolhat,

welcome to beyond blue. You wrote a nice post to to Aaron (Azzdog).

Aaron,

Between me and you... the more you focus on what is not working the worse it can get in the moment. Yet it is nice to hear that you are together again.

Intimacy exist on different levels, and while I can guess what you are talking about, it does not always have to be sexual, despite what you might hear on the radio or TV or movies or ....

I remember you were both at a relationship (?) counsellor once. Is that continuing?

Does your partner know about what your past? If not, do you think you would be able to tell her? Or perhaps tell her about your goals and future?

It must be frustrating and please remember that it is not a race.

Tim

[Azzdog]

I am really trying to work through this. I just don't know if I can ever overcome the cheating. I feel like there is more behind it than I actually know. I don't know if it was manipulation anymore.

[smallwolf]

I know you are really trying to work through this situation. It has been evident from your recent posts. With that said... what makes you think there was no manipulation? It is a very difficult situation for anyone. Some people are easily manipulated and others not....

Have I ever explained to you the 4 steps in forgiveness as described by Desmond Tutu's daughter....

1) Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm
2) Telling one's story and witnessing the anguish
3) Asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness
4) Renewing or releasing the relationship

forgiveness is not really about asking for forgiveness. Rather it can be a way of you forgiving someone else, and allowing yourself to move forward. Sometimes we can get stuck in the 1st and 2nd steps and that is OK - the hurt we feel is so great, making it difficult to do so. You will also note there are 2 options in the final step - renew or release.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

Thought I would check in to see how you are going these days.

I have had a gut full of it too. In regards to the sorts of things you have been posting.

I know how it feels.

The other day i needed to book in an appointment with the psychologist. I was feeling utterly terrible.

I do tonight.

The feelings of youth having escaped me and that everyone else is enjoying their life and such has returned.

Even though on the outside and on paper things may be better than where they were in the past... they are crap now.

I hope me sharing how bad things are for me atm can somehow help with your situation. A problem shared is a problem divided.

[smallwolf]

Hi HamSolo01, not sure if or when you will see this but if you want to tell me what happened I will listen and respond.

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the late reply. It has been a full on couple of months, globally and personally, but I thought I would give an update here.

So we are still together. This Tuesday will be nine months and it is an amazing achievement when you think about it. There have been plenty of times where I thought we would break up but we keep going which is a testament to the love we both share. I still have my ups and downs, and there is stuff we need to work on based on telling each other hard truths, but we are working on things.

The intimacy has gotten better and the connection we share is very strong. I just need to work out how to not get so upset and scared that things might get that bad again. It is due to the fact that I have low confidence in her ability to deal with manipulators right now that has me scared.

I am really sorry to hear that Mitch. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I am also going through those feelings of "...youth having escaped me and that everyone else is enjoying their life" as well.

In fact I am currently going through a grieving phase where I am trying to say goodbye to my teenage years and my early 20s. It was a time where nothing really happened and I felt very lonely.

In fact I am also dealing with degrees of jealousy over my girlfriend and her experience with intimacy in her past. Its stupid but something I struggle with.

If you need to talk mate then I will be checking in regularly. I hope you are managing despite the world being as crazy as it is.

Thanks Tim for always being here for me. I really appreciate it. I am going to try and be more active here for the time being as I navigate some really tricky thoughts right now.

[smallwolf]

Hey there. Things take time to change as you would be aware. Do you know the story of a sheep trying to get to the other side of paddock and out the gate by creating a new path? Let me know if you are interested.

I am happy to hear that you are still both together as well and working on things together. It sounds as though there is a good connection between the both of you despite what your mind might tell you otherwise. I am sure you have the tools to get past or through those thoughts. Your thought are not stupid.

On the tricky thoughts - I think that having a sounding board to play off can be helpful. It is one way I see my psychologist, helping me to navigate the tricky situations. Always here for you.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Yeah I’ve been doing that with my therapist. Trying to bounce ideas around and help me make sense of things and how to move forward. I feel like I often put others needs before my own which means I tend to get really exhausted and rely on others to make me feel better. It’s something I need to work on.

I am interested in the story about the sheep and the paddock. What’s it about?