Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Quercus

When I talked about the consensual sexual encounters I didn’t articulate it properly. I meant in general not just at clubs. But I reread my previous post and I can see where the ambiguity was.

I don’t have a medical team. All I have is a psychologist, and a GP that never has the time available. I don’t trust psychiatrists because I’ve had bad experiences with them.

I don’t like being angry at all. But I feel sometimes it’s the only way for people to listen to me. Particularly with professionals. When I’m doing okay nothing gets done. A therapy session with them is like getting on a merry-go-round. We go nowhere.

I never said I think I’m owed a lover. What I find confusing is that the feedback I’ve gotten from women is that you need to be confident within yourself and be able to confidently promote who you are as a person, amongst other things. I feel like I do that but I can stone cold rejected by women and I never know what the reason is. I think you are unlikely to find a man who has a stronger sense of self than me. So who am I able to believe?

What professional services are you talking about? Not dating coaches? I think they are scams to be honest. I’ve had experiences with a couple and found them to be overly expensive with course content that wasn’t delivered in a way that is digestible.

I’m in the aftermath of my episode. But I still feel like a lobotomy or electric shock therapy are the only ways to get rid of these thoughts. They have ruined and destroyed my life and I can see the damage it does to others. It makes everyone scared of me. I’m seriously considering looking into this more.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Sorry I was not able to respond to you earlier. Things happened here.

You did not mention what sort of club your friends went to. But that does not matter too much. You have to think about why people go to these sorts of places. They are probably trying to connect with others on one level. But to assume everyone there is positive and sexually liberated might not be 100% accurate. Unless we know why each individual is there we are only guessing.

The effect of alcohol in these environments can also make people make decisions they might not otherwise make.Decisions they might regret the day after?

Why do you NOT drink alcohol?

Again, why do people go to these places? So Dools is correct that some people might have regrets. Similar with Quercus comment about "sexual encounters at clubs". Maybe we (Dool, Quercus and I) are different?

I would ask that if the discussion was triggering for you what stopped you from excusing yourself from it? In everything else, if something triggers us we should use use our distraction and coping tools.

Two last points, how much truth is there is the stories you heard? Can you be certain there was no exaggeration, or that no "facts" were embellished a little? Or outright lie? Finally, what you see and hear a person say can be different to what they say/feel in private. Do they have "problems" they won' talk about? I cannot say that I know any perfectly "happy" people in my life. Moment of joy get shattered by the realities of life. Sorry.

I cannot tell you what you should or should not do, except as Quercus suggest looking at professional help might be good idea. Fwiw, I have spoken with my psychiatrist about sexual stuff. Might be a little uncomfortable the 1st time, but once that is done any topic is much easier (for my situation). My point is there is no shame to discuss these matters with someone.

Tim

[Paw Prints]

Hi Azzdog,

I'm not having a go at you with what I have written below, I am trying to help & trying to express myself unambiguously. Please take it as a genuine attempt to support you.

"I don’t like being angry at all. But I feel sometimes it’s the only way for people to listen to me.@

Getting angry solves nothing, it just makes it harder. Such behaviour risks alienating people including those who want to help you, & it doesn't result in good outcomes. Your posts go from you being open to considering new ways to view the world & live your life, to you exploding in anger & frustration.

"I’m in the aftermath of my episode."

Clearly you are aware that your episodes where you get angry with the world are just that "episodes" & aren't how you want to be.

Change takes time & effort, it's not easy & requires commitment. Only you can make changes in your life, because it is your life. The people around you (including your medical team) can offer support, can recommend coping strategies & offer suggestions for options which may help you achieve want you want with your life, including taking medications.

I really think it would be beneficial for you to show your GP/Pysch your posts to BB especially the latest angry post, as this is a clear demonstration of your pain & your struggles. May I also suggest you write down a list of what you don't like about your life & a list of how you would like your life to be. You can then give this to your medical team and together you can work through how to reach your goals & how to accept if a goal is unattainable. This would be one way to ensure you feel you sessions were of benefit & not just going in circles.

Paw Prints

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

Thanks for replying.

It is disappointing that the psychiatrists you have seen haven't been helpful. Personally I found the psychiatrist more beneficial than the psychologist. It felt like one managed the symptoms where the other wanted to find the root cause of the problem and address that.

I'm curious what you thought of Tim's post. I was in two minds about the term professional. On one hand like Tim I thought finding a psychologist or a sex therapist would be a good idea. But the other thought was seeking out an escort. Doesn't have to be for sex but to ask questions and seek advice and guidance from someone who can help you build confidence in your sexuality practically. perhaps it is a stupid idea.

Paw prints voiced my feelings about anger. Alienation is a good way to describe the effect. I'm not judging because I explode too and it isn't helpful. All it achieves is making me feel more alone and reluctant to ask fpr help. Not feeling like anyone is listening is frustrating. The idea of a list is solid. At times I know people tune me out because I waffle. If I'm not sure exactly what I want and need how am I supposed to communicate this need clearly?

I hope today is even slightly better for you.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

He went to a club where people express their sexuality. A typical nightclub. I guess it's not fair to assume everyone there is sexually liberated but a lot of them are getting some. I am not, not that I want to experience it at a nightclub but they are having sexual encounters. I never have.

I don't drink for a couple of reasons (in no particular order).

1. I don't see the point of it and I feel society emphasises it to much where it becomes a stain on your character if you don't drink it. I saw the effect it had on others at high school and I didn't get that idea at all.
2. I need to look after my mental health, which alcohol exacerbates, and I have an addictive personality. I don't want to know if I could drink it and not get addicted. I don't want to know the answer to that and I am quite comfortable in that reasoning.
3. I feel like getting unreasonably drunk means you miss out on positive experiences because you can't remember them. If I start having positive social experiences in the future I don't want to forget them. I want to embrace them knowing how much work has gone into getting there in the first place.
4. I have had alcohol in the past, just to try it, and found it was disgusting to drink.

The reason I didn't excuse myself from the conversation was because its all part of my exposure therapy. I can't keep using avoidance as a coping strategy. Besides the effect that conversation had on me didn't take root until 8 hours later.

I trust these people who tell these stories. These aren't guys who try to impress others with their stories. I have my reasons to believe them. These people wouldn't lie to me with the knowledge that they know my story and how these things can easily upset me. Having sexual encounters means they have some social skills and a level of attractiveness light years ahead of me. Call me defeatist but I have tried... and tried... and tried. What else do people expect me to do?

I have discussed it with various people in the past. Often they either ignore or give it very little weight. Only now am I getting treatment for it almost two years after I asked for treatment in the first place for it.

[Azzdog]

Hey Paw Prints,

I know anger doesn't solve my situation. I have been trying to work on it for quite some time now. But I feel, particularly with professionals, I am forced to do this. In the last two years I have dealt with a couple of psychologists, multiple psychiatrists, and even people who work on crisis hotlines, who have been flat out condescending to me and just dismiss any fears I have about the future. Some don't even try to understand how hard it is for me.

I had a person on a crisis support service, I called when I was feeling really distressed and suicidal, who said to me in a very condescending tone: "You'll just have to accept the fact that you will die alone and no one will ever love you". How the hell am I meant to respond to that? Particularly when you know this person is in the freaking mental health industry and has children of their own? Of course I was angry and this reflects what I have had to go through.

I was in intensive therapy for almost two years and I felt that very little was accomplished despite my protests and addressing this with my treating team. The changes I want in my life are very complex, they need to be first addressed by a professional because I have been dealing with this crap for seven years. I have had my own medical team flat out refuse to treat me on some of my problems because they couldn't be bothered.

This is where my anger lies. I have been let down by people who shouldn't be in the mental health profession but yet they were forced upon me. They know the problems I have. But yet they ignore them because they are more interested in going to their prawn sandwich cocktail parties than doing their job. They know full well what they have done to me and yet, despite my complaints, nothing was ever resolved. Imagine being rejected by people who claim to be in the mental health industry? An industry where you need empathy. I think empathy is running in short supply in general on this planet.

[Azzdog]

Hey Quercus,

My friend put it best about psychiatrists, "I think psychiatrists are just glorified drug dealers". I agree with this. A lot of them may know their stuff, particularly about medication and diagnoses, but a lot of them do not have the inter-personal skills nor the empathy to be working in an industry like the mental health one. Honestly, I never want to work with one again. I am deeply traumatised by how some of them dealt with issues that I have had.

I have thought about a sex therapist in the past but never really followed through with it. I have thought about going to see an escort but I have ruled it out. I will be paying money for a service that really is just a business transaction. Is there any emotion displayed that is meaningful? I have no idea but it's an expensive conversation to have where there is no guarantee they will have the answers. People who have a lot of experience in this area tend to have a shallow perspective when it comes to relationships. Probably because they take it for granted, like society does in general.

Today was crap. It is currently 2:30am and I am wide awake. It is horrible having all these romantic feelings and feeling like you have a lot of love to give, but no one wants a bar of it because I don't fit in with the mainstream concept of a man. My music taste is weird, I don't drink, I like philosophy, I love history etc.

I seriously have no idea what to do. I have nothing.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron.
Long time no speak.

I had a read over your most recent posts. Sorry I haven't been following them all. I've found that I sometimes need an extended time away from the forum. Nothing personal I assure you.

There is a lot you've expressed. Like a lot. I commend you on your honesty. That takes guts.

I guess I want to ask you something. Let's pretend you could ffix one thing atm in your life just one thing. Someone passed you a magic wand and then says you can wave it to fix one thing. You strike me a deep thinker. You are more interested in meaning than dead pursuits. You want purpose.

So if you could change one thing I would imagine that it would be something in your life that gives you purpose or at least removing something that is causing you grief.

I'm not religious anymore but one thing I remember is the notion of foregoing things. This is something I have found can be quite liberating. It struck me recently that I really don't give a toss about any of the stuff most people care for. I am also trying to limit live TV because that's something that can annoy me to no end.

You are aware of what you like. You also strike me as someone who knows what he likes in life and wants to get out of it. I honestly think that places you in an enviable position. Most people at this age don't know any of that stuff. Perhaps that's why they experiment?

Anyway. I'm no sure what to say. I can't really offer advice or points because I'm in a similar predicament atm.

I think too that you can generalise a lot but there are times when this becomes too much. If I can't put a face to attitudes or expectations of people then I ignore them. Discursive thought and negative attitudes are only worth my time if I can put a face to them I think.

People are weird aren't they. Many people have changed over the past few years in my social circles. Almost like they are different people.

I hope you are a bit better today bud

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

No worries. I do the same thing to be honest. I understand that you need a break from time to time because sometimes this forums can work against you.

If I had to change one thing right now, I would change the effect my sexual and romantic thoughts have on me. I don't want them gone but I want them to not have the power over me that they have right now. My life would a lot better if they didn't.

I just limit TV and radio as much as I can. I can't always avoid it because I have to be around people who talk about the stupid reality TV shows and the radio is always on at work which makes it hard.

I guess thats probably why. We won't know for sure. I guess what makes it tough is that it will be a while before any of this people realise that how we approach life is a lot healthier than how they do it. It means we may have to wait for them to grow up and mature before we can live the lives we want.

I think people are pretty stupid and tend to follow, rather than lead. I like to think of myself as a leader. I don't tell what others to do but I live the kind of life I want to live which makes it easier for others to do the same if they have a certain degree of awareness and a capacity for introspection.

My days at the moment have been really difficult. I just struggle with all of these feelings in which I have no way of expressing myself at all.

I hope you are doing okay my friend.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Thank you for the explanations. Appreciated. And it sounds like you are trying to do what has been requested of you, which while difficult for you, you still went through.

I would hope the person on the crisis line would not say that to you. It does not sound helpful at all.

But I would hope you would remember the bridge that I previously mentioned to you. And you are trying to get to the other side with the help of your friends. You also mentioned ASD and related difficulties with social interactions. Just like getting a degree, some things take time. And while it seems that everything is against you at the moment, each step forward puts you closer to the other side of the bridge. And if you go back one step, you are still on the bridge.

I do have one question for you, and I hope that I am not prying or whatever, but... I assume that exposure therapy is one aspect of the help you are getting. And given your ASD diagnosis, will you also be learning social skills? The reason I ask this is because of another kid (literally) who has ASD and social problems, and it can be difficult, especially if you are only a child. That last part is my guess.

I remain hopeful you will get there and make it to the other side of the bridge.

Peace,

Tim