Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I don't go to the board games group anymore. I just don't think it was for me to be honest. I have started doing a fitness group that is regular and is just around the corner from where I live. I started that last week.

I have looked at groups at uni. I'll probably do more of that tomorrow actually. My friends do know about this but they aren't exactly in the best place to help me. I've met a lot of them through mental health groups so they are in the same position as me 😬

I guess I am using this forum for both reasons but I don't want to express too much anger which is why I am taking breaks every now and then. I don't want to lose myself in the anger.

Sorry if this message seems a little short btw

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I've been taking regular breaks actually. Just to make sure I don't get bogged down too much by venting rather than actually trying to solve the problem.

I have actually, I've gotten back into boxing and I am also doing some kick boxing as well. I have never done that before but I am enjoying it all the same.

Haha I've studied Greek mythology during my undergrad and its true that they were fallible. They weren't perfect and were depicted with emotions, feelings, and opinions. Some of them supported the Greeks, the others not so. But the Greek statues depicting the gods tell you that they were obsessed with the perfect physical body and of youth. They wanted the gods to have some of the best physical qualities because they, themselves, were obsessed with that ideal.

It's definitely true. Some of them probably get into a relationship and probably think its the best they can do and so just persevere. I guess, in some ways, its good we are not in that position. I would never want to be in their shoes.

It's interesting you mention that. I also went to a co-ed school and had no female friends until the start of year 12. Now, funnily enough, most of my friends are female. Go figure.

Chemistry is so hard to work out. I am not the easiest person to talk to when you first meet me. So I often figure first impressions are pretty important.

Cynical humour is important to me as well. Sometimes its all I feel that I have.

[Azzdog]

So I have made some ground in the past week and a bit.

I still have those moments of hopelessness about the future.

I actually got a professional haircut a couple of days ago. I have been getting my haircut at home for the past three years. It may not seem like a big deal to some but I very rarely look in the mirror. As a side note I went almost a year and a half without looking in the mirror ONCE. For some it is part of their daily routine. For me, it is a living reminder of what I am cursed with.

[smallwolf]

Hi Azzdog,

How did it feel to get a professional haircut? I hope you were able to enjoy the experience? At the barber that I go, they put a hot towel on your face afterwards, then cool it down and repeat. It is a very nice feeling.

Pity about the board games group. The fitness group sounds interesting. What do you/they do for fitness?

And you can post whenever you want to, and don't have to apologize for the "shortness" of the post. If I asked a closed question that only required a YES or NO answer, then a one word post would also suffice? I guess that all anyone wants, whether it is you, another member of the forums or myself.... we just want to feel as though we belong somewhere, where we can be ourselves, and feel that we have the support of others.

As for your friends that you said you have met through mental health groups... You said that didn't want to bother the with your problems. What would you say to another person in that circle of friends that appeared down? If they were struggling, would you want to help them? Your previous posts would indicate that you would support them? And if you all have similar struggles then you would all know what it is like? I guess I am wondering (or suggesting) that if you allowed yourself to vulnerable with your friends (and it works both directions) then who know where that could lead....

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Ahhhhh

I have tried online dating and I can't make a dent. I have tried meeting women in public and I can't make a dent. I have tried meeting women in social things and I can't make a dent.

Like something is seriously wrong with me. But others have no trouble finding dates, for better or for worse.

Can I have a crack at it or am I not confident enough?

I am not sure I'll be coming back here to be honest.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

You seem very frustrated again. I, for one hope you don't leave as I like hearing about what you are doing musically etc.

And I don't really have the answers to your questions. Except this... You said in a previous post that most of your friends were female. As an experiment, invite one of them for coffee or lunch? Would you be able to do that?

I could write more but the next part of the post also depends on your answer to the above question.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I do that regularly.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Azzdog,

I have only read the posts from the start of March, so apologies if any of what I'm saying has been said before, but I thought maybe a female viewpoint might be helpful, even if my 20s were some decades past.

Firstly I must say, not having had a girlfriend, being a virgin, feeling the odd one, is for young men far more common than you probably realise. Straight off the top of my head I can think of 3 males in my immediate circle who never dated til they were in their 30s & were virgins when they married, one in his 40's. One is a young family member who didn't date til he met his now wife just 5 years ago aged 33.

Yes it can be difficult being a single person in a world which in a lot of ways is suited to couples. I know this 1st hand having been single (except for a brief relationship in my 30s) for most of my adult life.

Can I suggest you try not comparing yourself to "the norm" you think you see around you. Not everyone in a relationship is happy, not all relationships last. You mention you are at uni & have a number of female friends, to me this sounds like a wonderful opportunity to gain new insights, broaden your horizons, try new things, meet new people, practice your social skills & most importantly enjoy your 20s. You have your whole life ahead of you still.

Just because you're not in a relationship does not make you a failure in any way (I honestly mean that), nor does it mean you will never be in one. You don't have to be like everyone else, you are you.

Best wishes

Paw Prints

[smallwolf]

@paw prints - hello. Thank you for providing an alternative perspective. It is hard not to compare ourselves to the norm.

@Aaron - Sorry. More questions. Did you ask them out, or did they ask you? And while out with them, have you asked them for any advice? You could even role play with them? Is that something you feel you could try?

these are not questions that for necessarily have to answer here. I talk about my issues with a couple of close friends and they will give me their thoughts. Of course it only works if you are open to their thoughts and they are not negative in what they say.

Anyway I hope you have a good evening and weekend.

Peace,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Paw Prints,

Thanks for the message, it is much appreciated.

That's a fantastic perspective for me to read. Knowing that this is more of an issue than is acknowledged is something that I need to hear.

I am trying not to compare myself. It is really hard but I am trying to be me and there never has been a person like me before. I need to celebrate that more rather than look on with misery at others.

Thank you for your message. I really needed to read that today