Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I like that attitude about not buying into societies ridiculous expectations into sex. I do sometimes but others it just becomes too much and I tend to breakdown crying these days.

I tend to notice that people don't seem to engage very much with me. I think its because I don't come across very chatty when you first meet me but it needs to take time before I feel very comfortable around someone new. Maybe I need to work on that a little bit.

Haha don't get me started on the advertising industry. I have some pretty strong points on that and I don't think it is there to inform our purchases but rather make us feel guilty we don't have that in our lives. Like sex to be honest. It's a despicable way of making people consumers by amplifying their insecurities but thats just how it is unfortunately.

Right now I am trying to get fitter and feel better about myself from a physical point of view. Get back to how I used to be on my physical health. I am also trying to write some new music. I have been listening to a lot of New Order recently (an alternative dance band from the eighties) and I am currently trying to write a dance song. It's pretty hard at the moment but I think I can get it right. Incidentally my profile picture is the album cover for Power, Corruption and Lies by New Order. I thought it looked pretty and optimistic so I put it as my profile picture haha.

Yeah thats something I have done in the past but I may start doing it again as I have a few things I want to clarify before my session today.

[HamSolo01]

Hey mate.

I let out a sigh when I read "high school" because I know the feeling. High school sucked. Lol. School sucks. It's almost like it has to. I always joke that I am now a converted high school loser. Yet even now it seems like losers are cool/in.... Work that out? Society and culture is weird.But I do know what you mean about girls at high school. I was in a friendship circle of all guys. In our whole grade it was us and us alone. No girls. It was a co-ed school. Irony is great. I even used to know some guys from my church (I'm not religious anymore) who went to an all boys school who had more female friends than me lol.I never went on dates or anything in high school. Never had a gf. Relationships were a thing then too it seemed.

But about 2 years ago I realised that school doesn't matter now. It's old news. The only thing to carry on from that is the experiences (which can still be there). Sometimes I remind myself that if I still hold onto things older than 18 months then I need to sort them out. Get to the root of it. I don't want to play psychologist here, but perhaps the fact you still have these memories from high school is a sign that you need to process/talk about them? It might sound Freudian, but unresolved conflict and problems from the past do happen.

When I was travelling last year I realised that who I used to be really didn't matter. We grow and we change. We can burn away the old rotten parts and grow anew.

Also I hear you re sometimes it is hard to ignore it all. I find this too - that's why I made that initial post.

But the cool thing is that I can see you working it out in what you write. Not just about the sex side of things. Also, the social interaction stuff. Getting comfortable around new people is hard. This was something that held me back with my social anxiety. A good tip is to always ask questions about people. People like to talk about themselves (I don't mean that in a flippant way). If you ask questions about people, it shows you are interested. Honestly, sometimes I have met people who I didn't like straight away. But I learned to cope with that too.

I guess the answer to this is to keep exposing yourself (lol sounds funny) to situations where you are able to interact. Whatever that may be. At least by doing this, you begin to cultivate a sense of self respect and perhaps most importantly - what works best for you in social scenarios with certain types of people.

More on the way

[HamSolo01]

But what better way to make people buy things than to make them feel like they NEED it? See how cynical the marketing campaigns can be around sex? As much as I am a liberal minded individual, I still think that there are times where advertising goes way too far. Money is a powerful force.

I guess the good bit of being able to see through this though, is that we then have a choice. It's a bit like the movie the matrix when Neo gets told about the Matrix and then he has a choice. In a similar tone, because you are clever enough to see through the nonsense, you then get to choose how you respond. You aren't codified into doing anything. (I'm skeptical of this but that's for another time perhaps).

My point is that because you can see through the nonsense, you are able to ignore it. You know for a fact that it's garbage.

That's good to hear that you are keen to get fitter and feel better about yourself. It's essential. But most importantly, you should be doing it for you and no one else.

Writing new music sounds awesome. Good work on that.

Haven't heard of New Order. Might check them out. But I do find that youtube is a great way to get into new music. I recently came across about 3 different artists I've never heard of and it was pretty sweet. Kind of like soul, rap and bossa nova mixed together. And I'm not a great fan of rap haha. So that's saying something.

Hope your session went well today.

[smallwolf]

Hi Azzdog,

Just a quick post as I have to go and meet parents. But.... That is something else you can add to the positives list. You mentioned getting fitter in your last post. There are many good qualities in you. You mentioned New Order also... Do you listen to The Cure? Another band from the 80s. Or The Smiths?

And off the art gallery today shortly (with parents).Last week I went to the botanical gardens as part of my walking exercise routine. You do things like that? Take a camera with you can capture some memories?

Tim

PS. Remember to keep updating your positives list.

[Azzdog]

Hey sorry for the late reply.

I don't even think I was a high school loser. I had a good reputation with a lot of people but that was about it. I didn't form strong connections with anyone really at high school at all to be honest. I have always got the feeling that high school losers who make something of themselves is always a good story, particularly for Hollywood directors.

Yeah I have been talking to my psych/s about my past. It still brings back painful memories of being rejected and ignored. It wasn't even on purpose, I just didn't make those strong connections I was talking about.

I tend to ask a lot of questions about others and what they do but what I've noticed over the years is that that action is never reciprocated. It's always about them and only they matter. It sucks to be honest.

I am currently trying to get fitter as I have put on a lot of weight since the start of 2018. There are clothes I don't even fit into anymore. It doesn't help the body image issues I have thats for sure.

Sorry if the message is a little short but the last few days have been a bit heavy and I wanted to reply sooner rather than later.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I do listen to The Smiths and The Cure. Johnny Marr from The Smiths is one of my favourite guitarists actually.

I have added it to my positive list. I want to get fitter and feel happier about myself.

[smallwolf]

Hi Azzdog,

It is odd the effect how things in our school days have an effect on us later on if life. There were some incidents when I was at high school that I have spoken about with my psychologist ... one teacher said that I would not get anywhere in life. (I also did remedial reading.. and one teacher commented to the class how come none of you work out the answer, when Tim who does remedial reading... there were other instances. And like you I was not a "loser" as you put it. But these sorts of things will contribute to how we might think about ourselves. These incidents would likely have contributed to my issues with attaining perfection and always failing (in the broadest sense of the word). And the longer these issues either lay dormant, or we don't let them out, the longer it may take to resolve. This is something I have spoken about with my psychiatrist and part way through with psychologist.

On fitness... are you going to a gym? How is that going? I know it won't happen over night, but are you enjoying it? Do you have any goals for "getting fitter"?

All the best,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I’m really sorry to hear that. I don’t know why teachers would say that to impressionable young people. It really makes me sad to think that. That’s not the kind of teacher I want to be.

No I’m not going to a gym. I’m just exercising at home and eating better. I’m really struggling at the moment because I just got rejected again online. I was talking to this woman and we got onto the subject of ice cream and then she stopped.

I’m really struggling to care anymore. I hate myself so much over the amount of rejection I get. Am I really that ugly and boring? There are men out there who don’t have any interests or care about anything in life and yet I’m treated like I’m scum.

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

I'm sorry if I put anyone off with the last message. I hate rejection and I don't handle it well. So I kinda lost the plot a bit.

I've been thinking, my mindset is like this because I matured a lot earlier than most people. I found myself on the track a lot earlier than others which meant I developed my values and principles a lot earlier and had them really defined when I left school. A lot of people are still working themselves out even now. I may still be doing that as well but there are things that I know that I am. I am a straight edge, I despise the two party preferred system in modern day politics and strongly advocate for a multi party system, I wholeheartedly believe in gender equality, LGBT rights, and lean towards social democracy as my preferred system of government. I also believe that we should be doing more to move towards green energy. I also believe contemporary music and reality tv shows are actually doing more harm than good on young people today as they are portraying a way of life that is unachievable for most. (Also modern music and tv in general is absolutely awful).

How many people my age actually have developed this way of thinking? In the mainstream, probably not much. I'll come back to a point that Quercus said in the past about confidence. Having a really strong sense of self should be an example of confidence and yet I continually get underestimated and forgotten about. This is where my anger comes from. I haven't been always angry. It's just the last couple of years I have seen so many of my classmates make really bug steps into the future. I am yet to move out yet. I haven't had any life experiences worth telling. I know my anger puts a lot of people off but I want people to understand it comes from a good place. I want the world to understand the predicaments that young men have to deal with and hopefully soon I can become an advocate and help young men speak up about their mental health.

I got a call from batyr and I will be going to a meeting at the end of Feb to learn how to be an advocate. I'm also still in talks with this guy to start a band. Since starting my new diet and exercise regime I have lost 6 kilos. It is starting to make me feel powerful again. I have also got a group started for young men due to my constant reminding and there probably will be one at another organization for me as well, providing others come along to it. So there are some positives at the moment

[smallwolf]

Hi Azzdog,

Things seem to turning around for the better for you. This is good to see/read. I also a very small post onto the mindfulness thread (about 5 min ago) about THOUGHTS. It might be a little cryptic, but my intention is also the make people think about what it really means. The links is...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/mindfulness?actionMode=replyPost&postId=36f58daa-f371-61bc-846e-ff0000e9d3fc

(I hope you found the post I put there.)

On reality TV shows, there are probably 2 camps of people - those who think that is how it is done, and those who see it as trash TV (cue train-wreck about to happen) because they are that far from reality it boggles the mind.

Lastly, on anger, maybe, and rather than using anger as a form of expression, perhaps find another to convey a similar message. From an interviewing perspective, rather than asking "why" type question that can make the other person defensive, if you find another way to ask the question you might get a different response.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim