Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch, Happy New Year to you as well.

Yeah I feel ya. The last few days I have been feeling awful about this. I wanted to cry so much yesterday. Right now is not much better. The way I see it is that we may never get over this. Not until it actually happens or we get older to the point where it doesn't hurt as much. Maybe on that last one. I'm honestly not sure.

You can vent here as much as you want haha. Really it is no good having it build up on the inside. I tend to feel it everywhere now. Even on this forum which is sad. There are a lot of stories about people having relationships on here and it doesn't help my mental health at all. Which is why I don't post here as frequently. It's sad because this should be a place of acceptance and that but until I work out what I'm doing wrong that makes women so repulsed by me I don't see it changing much.

Anyways I am really struggling tonight and I have work tomorrow (which is fun *sarcasm*) I am going to do some following up this week of some groups and things to do. I am NOT going to get stuck again like I was not that long ago.

[Azzdog]

I also got rejected again (for The zillionith time). I feel like that women have a pathological hatred of me.

[Azzdog]

I’m feeling really awful right now

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

You sound so distressed. How can we help?

Pathological hatred? I don't think I can agree.

A lack of attraction or interest doesn't mean hatred... It means for this particular person they don't feel interest and attraction. We all experience this even those lucky enough to find someone who does feel that way for us.

Perhaps we can help you figure out what is happening?

I know it sounds odd but sometimes we sabotage ourselves...

I used to put myself down if I even suspected someone was possibly interested and I know I'm not the only one who unconsciously makes people uncomfortable.

I've noticed in your recent posts it is almost like you expect people to reject you. This is understandable given you have yet to experience anything else. But it also puts pressure on others.

I know you told me before you don't let this show when you interact with women you like. But I suspect it is showing somehow. It could be something that seems unimportant... Like trying too hard. Or like me putting myself down because it is easier to make people uncomfortable and leave than to get my hopes up.

I hope you don't feel belittled or like I'm not listening to you. I agree that what you and Mitch are coping with is distressing and it must feel irritating at times having people empathise who are in relationships. But fear of being unlovable is something everyone experiences. When a relationship finally happens it can turn into anxiety about being abandoned.

My point is dealing with the anxiety and low self esteem at the core of it all is vital. What treatment/therapy are you currently working on?

A wave to Mitch too. Sad to hear you are also struggling but it is good to see you back online.

Nat

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

I definitely expect people to reject me based on the many experiences I have had with everyone, not just women. I think it is important to add that I don't feel this with just women. I feel this with everyone.

I do have a genuine question for you. What do you think would be an example of me trying too hard? I think it is a good question. It is something I've thought a lot about and I can't think of what it could be. I certainly go into these things with a lot of expectations.

I am currently working on dealing with various complaints with my previous therapist and becoming an advocate for mental health, particularly young men's health. I feel like more could be done for this. In fact, the previous organisation I went to have just introduced a young men's health group. I'd like to think that I had something to do with that. They are also going to help me find another group in the community.

I don't doubt my problems will end when I find a relationship but I am getting to the point where it almost feels hopeless. I don't really have strong qualities that people like.

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

It is a good question! I found it really difficult to pinpoint examples because I often try too hard.

Ok a few examples. I eventually thought of.

Too much information! Oversharing. I do this all the time and it can make people feel uncomfortable. A new friend doesn't need to know every detail right away. They will ask when they want to know more.

Being in a rush to find out personal details too quickly. Or pushing to meet up. I found this one common in online dating and hated it. Why the rush? It always made me feel pressured and uncomfortable.

Not sure if this helps much sorry!

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

I think we will get over it. As you point out, it will take time though. In all honesty I still by what I said last week about thinking there are more important things (or maybe that was on my own thread I can't recall).

I think Nat is touching on an important topic here too - dealing with the anxiety and depression.

I recall about a year ago now I was trying to get a date. Just a date. Just so I could experience it and see what it was like. I joined all those apps etc. But nothing was happening. I realised that I actually needed to work on myself. I know how much of an empty cliche it sounds, but it is true. Sometimes cliches are true in the end. But I actually put myself in a random girl's shoes and thought about all of this - "would I want to go out on a date with me?" And the answer was a resounding no. I had to get the heart of why the answer was no. What was it?

I eventually discovered I needed to improve my health - physical health and mental health. I also needed to get my act together with university and focus on finishing that, but also actually enjoying it. I ALSO needed to get a job. See what I'm getting at? There were basically a whole heap of hurdles in the way of me feeling better about myself. It isn't to say that doing and fixing all these things will automatically make girls like you. That's a farce. Lol. If it were that easy then the population would be much higher haha.

But my central point is that even the most minute shred of self doubt can eliminate anything positive you think about yourself. But note the key word there - "can". It doesn't HAVE to. It's only human to have self doubt. In most cases it is a good thing. It keeps you grounded. But at the same time, if we entertain too much self doubt we can torpedo any sense of self worth we have about ourselves.

So I guess that begs the question. What reasons do you have to doubt your self worth? It may sound like I am asking "why are you depressed" and don't take it that way. It's a nonsense question and can do more harm than good - I know from experience... Don't even get me started on that one lol...

But really, all I am getting at is that it can be a good idea to ask yourself these questions. I saw in your original post at first you mentioned the whole sex thing. I am wondering if you are depressed and anxious REGARDLESS of the sex thing. OR do you think the sex thing is a barrier to better self worth?

More on the way...

[HamSolo01]

You've spoken a lot about how society hyper sexualises things and can make virgins feel self hating. While I definitely feel this at times, I always find myself comforted by the thought that I'm under no obligation to agree or comply with societal norms that are absurd - or even just one's I don't agree with. Perhaps societal obsession can run-a-muck with our individual sense of self.

When I posted that before I was feeling pretty low. But I found that I was able to come out of it again.

You also mentioned you feel this with everyone. That people will reject you. In this case, that has nothing to do with sexuality at all. It's a generalised thing. How true is that? How can you come to these conclusions?

Nat raised a good point on oversharing. I used to find that I was prescient about people's conclusions about me... usually with absolutely no evidence. So then I'd end up pushing a bit too much. Particularly in the dating area. But I realised that I can't control how other's perceive me or what they think of me. That's like a quantum physics level of comprehension.

There are many things we ask about ourselves. Many of these things can be provoked by societal images and messages. I learnt that I could tune these out, but also just ignore them. It's just white noise really. Nothing else. Designed to make us concerned over things that don't even matter. And I even realised this when I was travelling last year. TV commercials take the exact same format. Advertising. You name it. There was a time in human history where people would buy things BECAUSE they were made. Not the other way around. It's very different now. Things are advertised to us and this informs our purchases. Imagine just buying something because it was there to be bought... Weird right? Well I think this is how sex is used.

Going back to your life though. What could you do at the moment to improve the situation? In the short term?

More importantly, try taking some notes with you into your next psych session because this might help you get more out of them. I was struggling there for a while a year or so back and finding that the psych was useless... but then I took notes into the sessions. Only had to do it twice and it worked out well. You sound like you are a pretty social guy, and I am too. I have found that this can detract from important topics though. So keep a list with you on stuff to talk over.

By all means, change psychs too.

Anyways. Keen to hear your response.

Take care man

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat thanks for the reply,

Yeah those are good examples. I do try to take note of not pushing to meet up. It actually happened to me when a woman wanted to meet up on the day we started talking and I found that pretty uncomfortable. So I can only imagine how it would feel from a woman's perspective.

I also try to not reveal too many personal details either but I guess it depends on what is too personal.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I genuinely agree with you on that. There are more important things to deal with. During my good moments I really don't think a lot about relationships. However, when they are all in your face everyday sometimes its impossible to stay grounded.

I hear you on that. "Would I date myself?" I probably wouldn't date myself to be honest. My physical health is pretty awful these days. I need to be eating better to be honest. I am exercising more as well but the eating has to get better.

The reasons I have to doubt my self worth are based on experiences I had at high school. I never felt good enough nor important enough to be a potential friend for anyone. I felt invisible. I never felt like anyone thought of me and I always felt like a ghost. I struggled immensely to make friends with anyone, particularly girls, who I had nothing in common with. I have carried that assumption with me to this very day. I feel like no woman would ever have anything in common with me. So its always a surprise when I meet a woman and we can actually talk about history or music. It really is quite surprising.

So to answer your question, I would say that the reason I had low self worth had nothing to do with sex. I didn't care that much about it in high school. These days, however, it plays a massive role in how I feel about myself. I don't think I will be cured if I got a girlfriend but I'd like to think that my ability to value myself would increase a little bit considering that I have body image issues.