Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I understand that there are others out there who feel the same way and I am not dismissing that at all. It just seems like a lot of other on these forums are experiencing things I can only dream about.

I hope the fight is winnable. I still feel really stuck right now. I don't know what to do.

I do have some good news though. I just got a letter from La Trobe stating that I have officially graduated and I am an alumni of La Trobe. So I can do something.... I guess

[james1]

I don't know what to do either Aaron, and I would also be lying if I said I knew what to do before I came out of my own depression. Small things that I did but didn't believe in just, over time, somehow together made a difference.

The best we can do is to keep talking and finding ways to hopefully help you feel like, maybe, possibly, there are alternatives to a lonely life for you. We don't expect or ask you to believe us, but we do hope you can continue to hear us out as you have been.

Congratulations on graduating! Does it tell you when the ceremony is?

[Azzdog]

It’s a tricky one. I wish there was an obvious answer. I feel like there is but I just can’t see it.

I keep coming back here because I do value your (and Tims) advice. I hope we can all work out how to get through this

I graduate on the 20th of December. It’s a little bit close to Christmas but hey at least I get my degree haha

[Azzdog]

So I have an update. The senior management at Orygen are discussing whether they should see me directly due to how I believe that I have been treated unfairly by them and the service as a whole. So I am not sure when that may happen but it will probably be the week after next which will be my last session at Orygen 😢

[Azzdog]

I'm finished

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

In what way? You last post has me slightly confused.

Still sitting with you. Still listening.

Tim

PS. You mentioned your idea of an honest life. Now that you will be getting that degree, do you think you will be on the way to achieving that honest life in your next phase in life after Uni?

[Quercus]

A very belated hello Aaron,

I am sorry I haven't been able to reassure you or offer comfort.

In yesterday's post you sound utterly distressed. Are you safe? What has happened?

Tim and James and Mitch have been a godsend. Although you have been asking for a female perspective they have been supporting you so well.

However perhaps you need to know one detail... The fact I haven't been able to write here has nothing to do with you. You haven't done anything wrong. And although you judge yourself quite cruelly most days I don't agree with the put downs.

It is simply me. I haven't been and am still not feeling very well. I write on the forums where and when I can but the answers you have wanted I have hoped another woman might feel able to offer support because I am empty.

Unfortunately we can't predict replies. Even then I don't think the lack of female response means what you have interpreted it as.

You're not replusive. Or boring. Or weird. Or a failure. None of the put downs you give yourself are warranted or fair.

The salt you mention that poisons relationships is our self destructive tendencies.

I do this too. And it pushes people away. I shut the world out and then get angry at being rejected and let down. But the reality is I am doing this to myself. I push people away because I want to be alone. If you are alone noone can suprise you by walking away.

We are all weak and flawed and damaged Aaron.

In a recent post you listed things that make life worthwhile outside of a relationship. This was an excellent place to start.

What noone tells you about relationships is while the knowledge/validation that someone finds you appealing is a magic feeling... It doesn't change the feelings of inadequacy. Mark off one life "milestone" and the next inadequacy rears it's head.

I'm learning it does not end. If I keep living my life trying to live up to what others want you me to do or be I will constantly fail and hurt.

I wish I had answers for you. A member called Quirkywords has a thread about managing our inner critic I value because at heart I do believe we are the cruelest judge of ourselves.

The challenge is trying to identify when we are catastrophising.

You have yet to have a relationship. Yes no doubt it hurts so badly. Yes it makes you look to yourself to find the cause. But does that make you repulsive or any of the other horrible ways you describe yourself?

NO.

Please be kind to yourself. This pain will pass in time and you will try again.

[Azzdog]

I said I’m finished because I’ve officially given up. On finding a girlfriend or having a social life. You all may say I’m not boring because you understand the social traps we all get stuck in. Unfortunately I have been trying for weeks to increase my social life but I keep getting stuck. It’s beckme clear to me that I’m not an interesting person to anyone who doesn’t understand the social gaps I have. They don’t have the patience.

I’m glad you responded though because I thought I scared you off. I am quite content in drifting off into the sunset right now because it has become increasingly clear that I have nothing to offer.

You do speak about milestones in life. The idea of having a girlfriend doesn’t happen to everyone. Some people die alone. It’s a sad reality of life. Some people just do not have the right personality or looks. You and Tim have achieved that. I haven’t and will not.

This is a couples world. It is not designed for people like me. I’m damn sure I will not have a decent life. Because there are no men’s health groups in Victoria. There is no public discussion of the troubles and expectations we have of people without a relationship or social life. People in relationships dominate the discussion. It’s impossible for me to achieve anything close to what EVERYONE else in my life has.

I am repulsive because no one wants to befriend me.

[james1]

Hi Aaron,

I will be here when you're back.

James

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

I am sad about the way you see the world. And I am not disagreeing with anything you say.

I do have one question about your post but will ask your permission before posting?

As far as groups are concerned, there are options there also.

Whatever you decide to do, I will also be here and ready to listen to you.

Tim