Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[smallwolf]

You sound really hurt in your last post. 😞 You think you must be boring and ugly because your interests are not mainstream.

I can also safely say there are many other users on the forums who are not in relationships as well. So you are not alone in that regard.

There was a small positive in your post as well... you mentioned you were half decent.. what is about you that is half decent, and see if we can build from that?

On the plant analogy and board games... Do you enjoy yourself at the board games club? Do you also go enjoy yourself? Are there other regulars that you see and there say hello to? Were you rejected or accepted at the board game group? Are there any/many people you could be friends with? Could you invite anyone there out for coffee? With the plant story, it takes time for the seed in the ground to become a shoot before becoming a plant. And not all plants many yield fruit. But with each seed, new skills are acquired and practiced and used again. So don't give up.

Still with you,

Tim

[Azzdog]

I feel really hurt and rejected. I feel like I’m not allowed to be loved or to give love. It makes me sad, angry, frustrated, depressed, and confused. I don’t know why I’m so unattractive. It baffles me when women chase after guys who have no ambition in life and are proud of it. Yet I’ll be getting my bachelor in December and I’m considered to be boring and pathetic. Go figure.

Well maybe but I just keep seeing people who start forums who are all in relationships. It makes me wonder if I’m really that pathetic as a human that I can’t get a relationship. I’m very certain it will never happen.

I haven’t been enough times to feel comfortable at the board games group. I don’t feel at all comfortable inviting one of those people to hang out after. It will take a few more weeks, maybe months, before anything remotely like that will happen.

Like I said, every plant that I have tried to cultivate ends up dying pretty soon after. Any skills I have developed are not enough for anyone

[Azzdog]

I say that I am half decent because of these things:

- I don't drink

- I don't smoke

- I don't do drugs

- I exercise

- I have a degree

- I write my own music

- I am empathetic.

- I listen and ask questions

- I have strong values and principles

- I don't have a criminal record (some women might think that makes me boring)

That's why I think I am half decent. But that doesn't seem to be enough right?

[Azzdog]

I am listening to a song called Stupid Now by Bob Mould. It perfectly articulates how I'm feeling right now. I feel like everything I say is stupid and that I am not allowed to say anything. I am not allowed to feel anything that I feel. Good, bad or otherwise.

I honestly feel that I have two options. I am either not allowed to live or I should just stay in a mental asylum for the rest of my life. I don't have the capacity to live an honest, decent life because whenever I try to I hit a roadblock.

[Azzdog]

Let's face it, I am a terribly boring person with no personality. I am ugly as sin and deserve to be punished for it. It is why I will never have a girlfriend. There are people on this forum who are in relationships so that should show you how messed up I am physically and mentally. I am a basket case of a human being.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

There is a 3rd option... enjoy life and prove your mind wrong. Again, it won't be immediate but with small steps forward.

Yes, there are many people on the forum in relationships. But there are also many others that are not in relationships. Can you trust me on this matter? And nobody deserves to be punished for this or being ugly as sin. Neither should you.

You said it would take some time for you to feel comfortable with the board games groups and then be able to ask someone out for just a coffee. A relationship (friendship or otherwise), like a plant needs to be cultivated, given time to grow in order to flourish?

What would it mean for you to "live an honest, decent life"?

Tim

[Azzdog]

It just seems that everyone who starts a forum as at least been in one. That should at least convince them it could happen again. I have never been in one. I don't see it happening for me. I don't have a personality, hobbies, or anything that would be attractive.

It took me a good 5 years to feel comfortable around a friend I made in high school. I saw him 5 days a week for 5 years before I felt like I could be myself. Thats the conundrum that I am facing right now with the board games group. I may have to be there 15 years before anything remotely happens.

To live an honest, decent life"

- Treating others with kindness and respect and receiving that in turn.

- Having a mutual display of honesty from myself and others.

- Being appreciated and validated for what I can and can't do. And respecting others who are in a similar position.

- Advocating for mens health.

- Living a life where I can improve others into believing they are capable of achieving great things. That could be through teaching, volunteer work, or just being a friend that someone can rely on.

- Living my life through creative means in order to express myself.

- Ensuring that no one feels left out or left behind.

[Azzdog]

I just read another forum here and again it talks about someone being in a relationship. I really don't see it happening. I must be really demented from the perspective of others to struggle just to make connections.

It won't happen

[Azzdog]

I can't prove to a woman that I am datable. That is my fundamental problem.

Sorry for constantly ranting but I am in a desperate place right now.

[james1]

Hi Aaron,

I might be pointing out the obvious here, but you're in a rut right now. A pretty deep one too. If you look back a few pages, you'll see that you weren't in such a deep rut then (even if it wasn't all sunshine and happiness either). A few pages before that, you were in another deep rut.

My own experience, as well as what we can see in our pages here talking to you, says that these ruts come and go.

I don't want to push you or make any suggestions that you do not agree with, but I hope that you can trust Tim and I.

The hardest thing about depression is that it comes from within and it stops us from challenging our own unhelpful thoughts. Instead, we believe it and we then judge ourselves. The challenge is then to learn to stop our minds from this cycle.

The positive? It means the fight is completely winnable and absolutely in your control. Tim and I are here to help you achieve your goals and to remind you to trust the helpful people, and not trust those who want to hurt you.

For example, your mind is trying to isolate you. It says, "there is only one other person on this entire forum who is single." But actually, if you were to look at your own thread, there have been at least 2 others who were single, one male and one female. And I have personally spoken to many others. So I hope you can trust Tim and I, because we are trying to help you get through your mental blocks which are actually presenting a very harmful and untrue world view.

James